Where the HECK have you been? I feel like you have been avoiding me for…hmmmm….the last 4 months. And it is just NOT right. I missed you!

It is so nice to feel your warm rays again and to see you melting away that hideous snow that I hate so very much. I missed you and seeing you again has sent a shot of jubilation through my body. Was that so terrible, seeing me again? Now really, how about you and I strike up a deal, you stick around for a bit and I will stop complaining….

Huh? You laugh at me? You think I cannot stop complaining?

I can! No, really, I can! Come back out from behind those clouds!

If you recall, this is my dog Patches. Sure she looks cute and all, but you know she is a demon, right? I mean, I think the hillbillies SCARE her….

Yea, she's cute...

Apparently she is very protective of her house…..cause a few weeks ago, we got a letter in the mail saying that we have an aggressive dog loose in our house that apparently gave the meter reader a heart attack. Apparently we need to take better strides at keeping her “confined” so that next time the meter reader doesn’t have to run away in fear of his/her life cause you know Patches, in all her vicious glory,  is gonna jump through the windows like Cujo and eat the meter reader. 

I prefer to think she is just protective…..OR these hillbillies just couldn’t handle her cute face!

What do you think?

bad dog!

Yea…this is SO accurate!

Texting

Bro in law: So, I hear you are sad. Did you download Monopoly on your iphone?

Me: No, not yet. I wasn’t sure about it.

Bro in law: Well, you should…you can play me and Sar!

Me: Uh….dunno

Bro in law:  I HEAR the hesitation in your voice! Is it because Sar cheats?

Me: YES! I am gonna tell on you! Total blog material.

Bro in law: LOL, of course you know I gave you material just to make you happy.

Me: Uh huh…sure even if you’ll get YELLED at??

Bro in law: Sure. Why not. LOL.

Me: Dangerous

Minutes pass…..

Bro in law: So that’s it you aren’t gonna talk to me anymore?

Me: Eh. You’re needy.

Bro in law: whatever. Rae laughed at me.

Me: Cause it’s TRUE.

Bro in law: So…

And that, my friends, is why I LOVE my family
Sometimes they CAN cheer me up….

feeling eh

So, it’s been almost a month since I last wrote! Crazy because writing is my outlet. Lately I haven’t had one. But, it’s been rough times again for me and thus I have kept away.

Am hoping to get back in the saddle, I hope. Think good thoughts cause I need them.

This is real folks, I don’t make this stuff up! You know you are definately in the Land of Rednecks when…

1. You are driving home from work and you see a truck that is riddled with sticker bullet holes and a bumper sticker that says “If duct tape don’t fix’r you might as well use more duct tape”

2. The check out lady in Walmart has two teeth.

3. The WHOLE town shuts down to go to the Basketball game and you know that’s the BEST time to go to 1 of the 2 Wal-marts in town because it won’t take you 2 hours to get through the lines!

4. People ask you if you’ve had a Pepperoni Roll yet. It’s famous cause you don’t have to heat it.

5. You actually have this conversation with someone:

Me: Excuse me. I belched.

Person: Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it!

6. People (including myself) are anticipating the grand opening of the ONLY Sonic in town. It’s the talk of the town!

7. You are encouraged at work “not to chew” and there are incentive plans of getting $250 dollars just BECAUSE you don’t chew. (If you don’t know what this is, don’t ask)

8. People ask you where you are from because YOU have an “accent”

9. Your neighbor has a chair with a BUG zapper light on his second story window ledge. And no, this is not a porch, it is a roof ledge.

10. The special for lunch (at work) is Redneck Tilapia with slaw.

11. Flannel shirts are a WAY of life.

12. Big Hair and Bangs are in. Just like in the 80s.

(Note to Sisters: I hope this doesn’t deter you from visiting your FAVORITE sister who misses you…)

This week I got it into my head that the little sis should visit me in the Land of Far, Far Away. Mostly because I am bored and I want someone to suffer through the snow with me (don’t tell her this part). And also because I thought we could have some fun sister time bonding over booze and comparing whose life is worse, all while eating White Castle burgers. That is our specialty. She told me to find a cheap ticket and she would consider this idea.

However the little sister disappoints. She hates me, I am convinced. She wants nothing to do with me OR the Land of Far, Far Away.

Calling….(and I NEVER call)

Me: I found you an amazing deal!  Come now!

Rae: Uh huh. What did you find?

Me: Well the ticket was 232, but don’t ask me for how many days….

Rae: HOW MANY DAYS?

Me: Uhhhh just a few….

Rae: How many days?

Me: Umm 2 weeks….

Rae: OMG! I DO NOT WANT TO STAY THAT LONG.

Me: You don’t love me.

Rae: 2 weeks with you? What would I do?

Me: Play with me…when I am not a work.

Rae: Eh. The Land of Far, Far Away sounds boring.

Me: So…..we can have fun hanging out at wal-mart!

Me: I will buy you a book….

Rae: No.

Clearly my own sister hates me and wants me to suffer. Isn’t that awful?

Next time she should remember WHO has the upper hand when this sister has bribing materials in the form of  drunken baby sister pictures…..

I have a confession to make. I have taken up stalking. This is no small feat I tell you, as I am not the most subtle person. But, this new obsession of mine has become a little absurd.

I drive by first thing before work and after work and as I drive by I murmer “open, open, open” (just like the Mervyns commercials of old).  I give Hubby daily updates. I think he thinks I am crazy. I talk to the construction workers to get the inside scoop. They humor me.  And then I doze off dreaming of downing that nice, tasty beverage and I get EXCITED.

I have never really been much of a stalker, but when I set my mind upon wanting something, it does tend to overtake my system. Especially, when it comes to food. And especially when you live in such a SMALL town that they don’t have half the foods you are craving or wanting. But in this case, a familiar food joint was on the up and up and my stomach overtook my brain. I became a stalker.

And then….I saw it…the sign:

Opening Feb. 8th. SONIC! WOO HOO.

Is it sad stuff like this that makes my day? Well, I don’t care. I will be in line with the best of them, ordering my Cherry Limeaide!

mmmmm

So, after a beautiful weekend of 50 degree weather (and yes, I am STARTING to think that is warm) it decided to snow yesterday. First of all talk about weather teasing….I mean REALLY.

And upon seeing all that white junk on the ground again, my mood immediately soured. And having no one else to grouch at, I immediately turned to Hubby blaming him for the snow and the crappy weather. He, of course, didn’t say much and just smiled as he de-iced my car.

And after grumbling for most of the day at work about this terrible snow, everyone told me basically to get over it and I will adjust. So, I figured ok…maybe I SHOULD try and get over it.

I got home, was in a fairly good mood, and pranced up the stairs to get the mail. Now, here is where the snow had the last laugh. As I was walking NORMALLY back down the stairs to go into the house, I BIT IT hardcore and landed SMACK DAB on my butt. Luckily, I had enough cushion to protect me and didn’t land on my head, right? My sisters say it’s lucky I got the butt gene as apparently my butt is salvageable.

However, I now have a bruise the size of Texas on my butt and can BARELY sit down on it without howling in pain.

Stupid snow, I KNEW I cursed your very existence!

I’m just hoping I can make it through the day sitting on one ass cheek…

To Whom It May Concern,

I’d like you to take into consideration a suggestion for the next time you make a bigger, better, newer, more impressive iphone: the keypad size on the iphone because my fingers are TOO big! Yes, I kid you not! I mean, I know you can turn the phone sideways and the keypad gets bigger, but I swear my fingertips are just too big. I have tried everything, but either

1. I am a retard and can’t type (which I’d prefer not to believe)

or, clearly the more obvious reason

2. Your keyboard is just too small

I am thinking you can just custom fit keyboards to various fingertips in the future, you know like have iphones come in various sizes for finger sizes: Medium, Large and XLarge.

Thanks,

The Keypad Challenged

One of my favorite memories from our time in CT, was during work one day when I was killing time  in the bathroom stalls.

WHAT?! That is where stuff happens, people! Don’t judge!

Here is what I overheard….

Girl: Yea, so I dated this guy this weekend, he seemed pretty cool, but it will never work out.

Friend: Why?

Girl: He is a Republican.

Friend: Yea, that will never work out. Oh well, keep looking.

When making conversation with people at work and at home, tag the line “cause I am a genius” to the end of everything you say. It will lead to some nice, awkward pauses!

For instance,

At work:

Annoying work person: Can you help me make some semblance of this paperwork?

Me: Absolutely…cause I am a genius!

At home:

Hubby: Can you help me clean up this mess.

Me: I can’t cause I am working on my blog cause I am a genius….

At the store:

Store person: Do you need help finding something?

Me: No, cause I am a genius.

Hanging with the sisters:

Sisters: Do you wanna play Dr. Mario?

Me: Yea, cause I am a genius.

The pets are being evil, horrible creatures. I can’t promise you Americus will still have vocal cords when you come back. She is trying to kill me—methodically, unmercifully, and through well thought out torture techniques (swinging on the blinds at 4am). I fear my crazy temper will win out and I might have to feed her to some coyotes. I know you love her, but I fear for the sake of my sanity, you will need to choose her or I (hopefully you will choose correctly).

Currently, I am plotting out my means of revenge. I never thought I would say this, but next time you leave…please never leave again….or take all the pets with you next time. I don’t believe they behave in this manner when you are here. I am not sure what makes them behave like this now. I didn’t see a full moon outside.

For the record, this is why I will never have children….our pet spawn are evil enough!

Hopefully, I will still be alive when you get home.

Score:

Pets: 4        Me: 1.5 (threw a pillow at Americus–she ran)

Love,

Wifey

Score:

Pets: 4       Me: 4.5 (each squirt equals one whole point….victory is mine!)

I have discovered the weapon of mass destruction for the pets ill behavior.

*4am wake up calls?                            

*constant dog whining?                            

*dog toys scattered everywhere, right after you just cleaned?     

*cat licking eyelids?          

*annoying meows?                 

*cats scamperig about having relations, making the dog crazy?                                   

*dog barking                                      

*want some peace and quiet?

Behold, any bad pet behavior, and out comes my new BFF.

Introducing Mr. Squirt Bottle! Take that evil pets….

Don’t really miss you yet and I am doing fine.

 Barely any bad behavior…even did the dishes, however Rae and The Hostage keep making more.

I love having the bed to myself….except I am constantly fighting Patches for space.

I am still thinking the whole concept of getting our own separate twin beds would work.

Think about it, this could be cute! How about it?

Love,

Wifey

Yay! You made it! It was no easy task, but here it is. Poke around a bit, tell me what you think.

Thanks to your continued support and an awesome lady, I will be having the best giveaway EVER on Monday. Trust me, this giveaway will make you chuckle with glee. So, tell your friends, change your bookmarks and come back on Monday!

 Note: A HUGE thank you goes out to my friend, GB, for helping me through the “creative” process. I literally thought I would kill you, but I love the new site…except for….just kidding !

It is no secret that I LOVE texting. I love it so much that Hubby just about divorced me over it. However, I love him SO MUCH that I decided to get unlimited texts, so he couldn’t leave me! (Smart, right….hey, I need someone to cook for me–hence, Hubby is a necessity) You don’t even want to know how many texts I have used so far…..ha ha!

So, after I got home last night, I decided to text Hubby and check in to see how he was doing, being the good wife that I am. Here’s how our conversations went.

Texting

Me: Hi

Phone Rings–it’s Hubby

Me: WHY are you calling me?

Hubby: Cause you texted me.

Me: I know! You are supposed to text me back, not call me!

Hubby: Can I help it that I prefer to hear your voice, rather than text you?

Me: Yea, you need to get over that. I prefer texting AND I am watching TV!

Hubby: But, you texted me!

Me: I know, I am a great multitasker, however I CAN’T talk to you on the phone AND watch TV!

Hubby: You are ridiculous!

Me: So.

 The moment of discovery….she couldn’t be happier.

moment of discovery

Poor neighbor kids, guess they will think twice before they throw another ball in Patches’ yard! I thought we should go find that poor boy I scared away, but Patches would have none of it. She had found the ball….finders keepers, losers weepers.

MINE!

 And Boston couldn’t agree more.

Dog, you amuse me

 And that, my friends, is why the finders keepers rule always prevails!

Don’t forget to check back in tomorrow for the fun giveaway!

You won’t want to miss out on some free stuff!

Have a good weekend!

The Test Case

I have gotten a lot of response and feedback about my problem with the bed hog. Everyone has come up with great ideas, and I have tried many of them (especially kicking her, but the Bed Hog ALWAYS kicks back). However, I have finally decided to take matters into my own hands, thanks to one reader. She came forth with a solution that I believe is ingenious, innovative, and humorous—all things that I admire greatly.

I believe that this product could change MANY of your lives and save you years of marital counseling. Think of it like your own free friendly advice.

Are you ready for this, dear readers?

It is this amazing sheet set from BedHog.com! The creators at Bed Hog have GENIOUSLY designed some sheets that clearly define HIS side and HER side (or in my case ME vs DOG—HERS and HERS sides) with a huge line down the middle, clearly defining whose side is whose. How amazing is this?!

AND Sue, over at BedHog.com, has agreed to give ONE lucky reader a free set of sheets–queen or king size! How amazing and exciting is that????!!!!!!!

****Also, for those of you that wish to order these now, for that special bed hog in your life, BedHog.com is offering a 10% discount to all GoodBadandUgly2 readers between now and the end of May. All you need to do is enter the code GBU2 when ordering.  Thank you Sue!

So what do you have to do to win? Well, it’s easy.

1.      Answer the question below.

2.      If you would like to be entered TWICE, then post about this giveaway on YOUR blog, and pass the word along. If you did post about this giveaway on your blog, be sure to come back and enter another comment letting me know.

3.      Cross your fingers and toes and pray to the Bed Hog gods to win!

4.  All entries must be completed by 5pm PST on Tuesday night. Wednesday the winner will be revealed!

WHO IS THE BEDHOG IN YOUR LIFE AND HOW DO YOU SURVIVE BEDTIME?

The Testers

 ****Note to Readers: Bed Hog cannot guarantee these sheets will solve ALL bed hog problems if not in use at ALL TIMES (so buy more than one set), however they do stand fully behind their mission of drawing the line between you and your bed hog….be it husband, wife, or dog.

First of all, I want to thank everyone who participated in the giveaway, it was hilarious and relieving to know that I am not the only one with the Bed Hog problem! I loved reading all your different experiences….I could relate, perhaps, a little too well!

The winning entry was chosen by random.org, however I wish you all could win! Perhaps I will do more in the future, so check back in!

Now, you can all stop holding your breath……the winner of this amazing giveaway is…..

 Midlife Slices™

Thanks for your entry, Midlife! Please email me at goodbadandugly2@gmail.com for further details.

And a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE thank you to Sue at BedHog.com for donating her amazing sheet set! Don’t forget to tell your friends and continue to check out her website because she is still offering all readers 10% off any orders until the end of May! Visit her site, buy some sheets, and enter the code GBU2. Thanks again, Sue!

Last night I was going through the DVR (sneakily deleting some old shows of Hubby’s) when in walks Rae and The Hostage.

Me (proud of myself): Rae! You better watch some of these shows in here…before I start deleting them!

Rae: You are such a jerk, just leave them…I will get to them! There is plenty of room in there still!

Me: NO! You must watch them in a timely manner or I delete!

The Hostage: smirking

Me: HOSTAGE! Why are you snickering?

The Hostage: Cause I snuck some shows in there and you didn’t even notice…or delete them for that matter!

Me (closely inspecting): RUDE! Don’t make me put you back in solitary confinement! You were out on good behavior.

Let me paint a picture for you…..

Hubby and I are sitting at our computers (he just got back today)

When all of the sudden….

Hubby: EWWWWWWW

Me (slight hesitation): What?

Me (not missing a beat): NOT IT!

Hubby: UGH. Patches just barfed up her whole dinner!

Me: Welcome home, see we missed you!

And that, my friends, is why Hubby is glad he is back!

Dinner at my sister’s house is always entertaining…especially the conversations….

Me: I haven’t blogged all weekend!

Sar: What? You haven’t worn a bra all weekend?

Playing Wii fit

Rae: I have great BMI.

Me: What? You have great pie?

So, as you can tell the deaf gene (or selective hearing gene) runs rampant on our side of the family…..we hear what we want to hear….or nothing at all.

The craving is getting uncontrollable. It’s all I think about. I can’t stop the feelings. They are going to turn me crazy. I fear it will take over me and I will die a slow, agonizing, painful, torturous death.

 I fear this agony……can anyone help me? Or am I just incurable? What is the monster, you ask?

It’s Jersey Mike’s!

So, I have a furlough day today. And I am FREAKING OUT.

Why you ask? Well, here’s why.

We have to be out of the place we are renting in 23 days. We have to pack up our ENTIRE house. We have to find an apartment to rent. AND did I mention, we have to pack up our ENTIRE house?

Yup. I am FREAKING.OUT. AND on top of that I have a sore throat and all I want to do is sleep.

Do you think I can hire a magic fairy to pack up the entire house, find an apartment, and clean up everything while I sleep the day away? That would be AWESOME! I am going to close my eyes and wish for that fairy to drop by…

So, I haven’t been the best blogger as of late. I am going through a real tough time right now. Not going to elaborate. But also not going to avoid blogging completely because it is my outlet. Just know that I appreciate your comments and good thoughts that you send my way.

No one ever said life was easy. Sometimes we have to fall down a lot before we can get back up. I know, in the end, I will be stonger because of it.

Anyways, bear with me.

So this weekend Hubby and I went out in search of an apartment. Why you ask? Well our landlady is going to sell or foreclose and we have to be OUT by June 1. Fun times. On top of that, Hubby did get offered a job, however it is in another state.

So, our lives are in turmoil right now. However, we did find an apartment that we can rent for now until we figure everything out. BUT, it was not an easy process. Let me paint a picture for you…..

It’s Friday. I am feeling a little out of it. Sick, phlemgy, and my usual crabby, sarcastic self. We decide we need to go and look for apartments.

We arrive at the first place, and who greets us? Chirpy Cheery Crazy Apartment Girl (CCCAG). She was WAY to chirpy for my liking. Which (in my eyes) made me immediately hate the place. Everytime she talked, I cringed. I basically, just didn’t like her.

Hubby: We want a one bedroom, 6 month lease, allowing dogs.

CCCAG: Ok, for how long?

Me: grunting at her dumbness (yes, dumbness IS a word)

Hubby: 6 months

CCCAG: Ok, well, if you do a year lease it is cheaper.

Hubby: 6 months.

CCCAG: ok

Hubby: so that should work out to how much a month?

CCCAG: ummm let’s see so if you get the one bedroom and you move in now…..with the special that should be $607

Hubby: Ok, does that include the dog?

CCCAG: oh yea! No, dog rent is 30 a month

Hubby: ok, so that would make it $637 a month, correct?

CCCAG: oh yea, actually $638

Hubby: But, where did that extra $1 come from?

CCCAG: Uhhhh I don’t know. (Pulls out bazillions of papers) Let’s see……hhhhhhmmmmmmmmm……oh yea! Tax on the dog.

She also showed us the apartment.

CCCAG: Isn’t it great? It’s the perfect size. You know?

Me: Uh huh

CCCAG: Isn’t it perfect (giggle)

Me: Uh huh

So, anyway, after looking over a few more apartments we decided to fill out the application for CCCAG’s apartment.

I am just hoping I don’t kill her…….She very well could be the death of me.

So, on my way home from work yesterday, I called Hubby so that he could order me some Little Cesears Cheese Bread (that’s all I like from there). It’s comfort food! And while I was waiting, I stopped at Walgreens to grab some shampoo, since I have been out for well over a week and have practically used up all of Rae’s and Hubby’s shampoo too.

So, there I was in the Walgreens. Ready to pay….when the cashier starts talking to me. I hate when they feel obligated to talk to me. I just want to get my stuff and GET OUT. No small talk, you don’t even have to acknowledge me, really, it’s fine.

Cashier NON genius lady (CNGL): It’s hot in here.

Me (thinking to self: NO DUH): Yea, it’s HOT outside too. I guess that is why they call it summertime, right?

CNGL: Yea, I guess. Good point.

And that my friends is why you don’t have to be a genius to work at Walgreens. Or perhaps it is just cause I am a genius that I am so smart to state the obvious.

 What do you think?

Can I just say that I hate boxes and chaos?

I.REALLY.DO. It drives me crazy. I think I am a little OCD with cleaning and neatness. Not that I am perfect, by any means, ok I am…BUT that’s cause I’m a genius!

I really do hate moving because it just adds to the mess that I can never seem to get ahead of.

Why, you ask?

Because this is what happens…..and sometimes I just think to myself we should just sell all of our crap!

Yucky Boxes

More

Pure, Utter Chaos

Cleaning Fairy, where ARE you? I need you desperately. Please come by soon….

Hubby and I decided to watch the movie Taken last night. Only problem?

I didn’t make it past the first maybe 15 minutes. I woke up to a puddle of my drool and realized I had just missed maybe the last 20 minutes of the movie. How did I know? Because someone had been “taken” and the last thing I remember was the girl asking if she could go to Paris.

Saddest Part?

It is only 8pm on Wednesday night. Is that sad or what?

I never used to fall asleep during movies!

It is HARD getting old. Or maybe it is just that I am overworked?

Yea, maybe that is it….well that is what I am going to tell myself anyways.

Poor, poor me. Yes, most definately.

Do you know what I detest more than anything? Not being challenged. Yup, you got it. I very rarely write about work. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. I have always been one that gets bored easily. I need to be learning or at least distracted at all times. Call it ADD, but I most definately have it.

Yesterday at work, I got to sit through a 3 hour meeting. Did I get to learn fabulous things? Maybe. BUT, I also like to be able to multitask. However, for the most part my activities revolve around hooking up a computer and projecting various images throughout the meeting. Not that I mind helping out every now and then. But, this is excruciating painful because it is all I do.

Not that you have to placate me, but this IS why I got my Master’s Degree, right? Cause I am just rolling in the dough right now…..

You may now feel sorry for me……now.

So, my sister has gotten it into her head that we (all three sisters) need to take dance classes again to make us happier. I think she might be on to something. Only scary thought? I haven’t taken dance since college.

 Now, don’t get me wrong. We all grew up taking dance. We loved it. Absolutely everything about it. My passion was ballet. I thought I would be a ballet dancer one day…..I lived it. Went to ballet camp, took classes, practiced whenever I could. It was a passion. Once I got to college, I kept going. But, I knew it wasn’t realistic. I wasn’t going to live up to the meaning of my name (wealthy) if I became a dancer.

 End Result: I would have had to eat PB&J for the rest of my life. Or just fruit. And I LOVE eating. So, that wasn’t gonna cut it.

Anyways, there is a ballet company where we live, that supposedly offers dance classes for adults. Now if I can just dig out my ballet slippers…….maybe I will go.

Maybe.

Hubby would like to know when I am coming back from “sarcasm land.”

I told him never. It’s my way of dealing with things. And why would I want to come back? Sarcasm land is full of no people, quiet hills, lazy sprawling rivers, beautiful weather and you can sleep all day. Doesn’t it sound wonderful? I would take you all with me, but than there would be way too many people there! Especially, since today we are going to go sign the new lease over at the apartment. FUN times.

You know what that means right?

I am going to have to go and talk to CCCAG. Which is enough to give me an ulcer. My feelings for her have not changed. She is STILL completely annoying to me. But, no worries, I will let Hubby do all the talking and I will just stand quietly and meekly behind him. Yea, this should be fun. Can’t you see me doing that too? (Don’t answer)

The house is a mess, we are signing a lease with a crazy lady, and I am a permanent resident of sarcasm land! Maybe I will see you there?

So, I have a HUGE crush on someone. And this time it isn’t Jersey Mike’s! It’s an actual person. Really!! You don’t believe me?

It’s HUGE.

I mean we are talking moving mountains kind of passion. I try not to focus on it. But, I can’t help it….it is overwhelming at times. The feelings. They are just uncontrollable.

Weird, right? I am usually so good at internalizing my feelings, but not this time.

This time is different.

Mostly because I am going through withdrawls now….

I have a girl crush. I feel like I know her, even though I only watch her on TV. I feel like IF I got the chance to know her we would be BFFs. Really.

Want to know who it is?

It’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. I.FREAKING.LOVE.HER. And the season finale of Ghost Whisperer ended last week. Now I won’t be able to see her til the summer is over. I think I suffer from depression. Can anyone help me?

It’s been one of those days…..

This is me.

Help me.

This is my Boss.

I'm ALWAYS watching you...

Can someone help me? Please?

 This week I went out to lunch with some friends. Somehow we got on the conversation of dancing. You know the kind, where you go out at night and a little drinking is involved.

Friend: Do you like to dance?

Me: Ummmm well, as long as liquor is involved.

Friend: What music do you like to dance to?

Me (incredulous): Are you really asking ME this question? Why…Britney of course.

Note: In the past, I have found that (for me) drinking and Britney don’t mix…as you can tell by this picture, it does SEEM to be my downfall…

PS. I have WAY worse pictures than this, but I am not dumb enough to plaster them over the internet

Back in the day...

 

 

 

DEATH by boxes...

As IF life isn’t bad enough with the unorganized chaos in my house and the move to the apartment, I have NOW found out that I need to be out of my office location as of Friday. Did I mention that Friday is a furlough day for me?

I have two words for you: FREAKIN AWESOME.

As IF I am not already CRAZY enough, right? (You can tell me, I can take it…)

Yea, so the business office at work yesterday let me know that construction begins this weekend. Here’s how the conversation went.

Business Office Bad NEWS Bearer (BOBNB): Ummm, so yea. You are going to have to be out of your office by Friday.

Me (unfazed, internally DYING): What?

BOBNB: Well, you see the construction for this area is occuring this weekend.

Me: What

BOBNB: Yea, we are gonna have to move you and you are going to need to get some boxes and start packing up!

Me (trying to REFRAIN from killing her): Ummm where do I go?

BOBNB: Uh I don’t know, but I will let you know by the end of today.

Me (realizing that boxes are out to KILL me): ummm hmmmm okay.

BOBNB (a bit too cheeful for my liking): Don’t worry we will figure everything out.

OF COURSE YOU WILL.

Are you freaking kidding me? Isn’t it enough that MY ENTIRE HOUSE IS FILLED WITH BOXES and we are MOVING THIS WEEKEND. But now my ONE serene place (work, and yea that is an oxymoron) is now wanting me to litter my office with more boxes….oh yay.

Keep it coming, I can take it. No really, I can…..

My thoughts are very deep, really. But sometimes this is as  deep as they get. Especially on Fridays…

Thank goodness for furlough days! Hmmm is that Jersey Mike’s calling my name?

Moving Sucks. Enough said.

Oh Yay! You only need to sign a FEW pages...

So, after lunch today, Hubby and I went to go see CCCAG to sign the lease over at the apartment. Yea, we were gonna do it last week, but I just couldn’t bring myself to face Miss Peppy.

Today, I could do it.

Today, I could FACE HER.

I plastered on my fake smile, entered the office with a cheerful demeanor and dragged Hubby in. He was more of the one who couldn’t handle CCCAG in all her glory today. It was ME who was the strong one. So, there we are signing the 1,250 pages that was our lease. Yea, and you think I am kidding. But, I’m not exaggerating. It was excrutiatingly annoying.

Yes, I won’t sue you if I fall on my ass and break it out by the pool. sign here.

Yes, I promise not to use a rug that has vinyl on the linoleum because it makes the linoleum turn yellow…WHA? sign here.

Yes, I promise not to spill koolaid all over the carpet. sign here.

Yes, I promise not to let some drifter live with me and not make them pay rent. sign here.

Yes, I promise to pay rent on time or get charged 1 million in late fees. sign here.

Yes, I promise not to park in a spot that IS NOT mine. sign here.

Well you get my drift….it was an increasingly FUN afternoon.

CCCAG: WAIT!

Me and Hubby roll our eyes at each other.

CCCAG: Don’t you have a dog? Hmmmm oh yea, it’s a girl collie, right?

Me: Yup

CCCAG: OH yea! DID YOU know I saw a collie a few days after you guys first came here to view the apartment?

Me (thinking…and I care because?): Oh, wow…so neat.

And that my friends, is hopefully the last time we have to come near the office. Apparently there is a drop box for rent checks…and that is about as close as I plan to get….

This weekend, while my sister and her husband go camping, Hubby and I got the privilege of watching her two dogs. Yea, I use the word “privilege” lightly.

Me: Does the puppy sleep through the night?

Sister: Oh yea, you just put him in his crate and he might whine for a bit, but he will go to sleep.

Me: Ok, good because you know we are in the process of moving and have a lot of stress right now and sleep is VERY IMPORTANT.

Fastforward to nighttime.

The puppy DOES NOT sleep through the night. Howling, whimpering and barking for hours…..

ummm my sister is SO DEAD when she comes back.  SO DEAD.

Me: SO whose idea was it to move during summer? 

Me: I am never moving during summertime AGAIN.

Me: IT’S SO HOT OUTSIDE.

Me: I think I have heat stroke. I’m dying.

Me: Are we done yet?

Me: How much more do we still have?

Hubby: Are you DONE complaining yet?

Me: No. Not really.

Hubby: All you do is complain and moan.

Me: Yup, I don’t deny it. But, that is because I have reached my capacity level of how much I can handle. I am out of steam.

And after this weekend….with our animal farm of dogs. I think between me, all the dogs, lack of sleep and our chaotic mess of a house….Hubby has reached his capacity of things he can take too….

He is NEVER tired...

Obviously, I have way too much time on my hands today….OR I am trying to get out of helping with the “next load” that needs to go over to the apartment. Now that the sun has gone semi down and my heat stroke excuse won’t work….

Me: So, what is our plan to tire out the evil puppy tonight, so he can sleep? OR am I just sleeping at the apartment tonight?

Hubby: NOPE you don’t get to escape THAT easy. We are feeding him vodka as a nightcap!

Me: Ok, good plan. But, I am still sleeping at the apartment….just in case the vodka doesn’t make him sleepy. He does seem to have ENDLESS energy…what if the vodka just makes him crazier?!

So, normally when I think of holidays my mind goes directly to beaches, vacations, sleeping in, lounging by a pool, reading a good book, eating lots of yummy food, grilling, hamburgers, hot dogs, relaxing, drinking mixed drinks,  lounging, being fed breakfast in bed (french toast to be exact)….ok, maybe that last one is a little far fetched cause Hubby would be rolling his eyes at this point.

But, here’s the thing: this “holiday” weekend has NOT been fun. Not that I am not thankful and contemplative of the Holiday, I am. Truly. But, this just isn’t what I had imagined for my 4 day weekend. Instead, I have barely showered, been cleaning up puppy piss (cause remember my sis said he was potty trained…yea right), barely sleeping,  moving in the hot sun, definately NOT drinking enough, and there has been a lack of beaches, reading, resting and sleeping in.

So, what’s my point?

I’m crabby. I know, you’re shocked, right?

I’ve decided that today we are doing something fun before I combust. I don’t care what we do. But, I am going to start with waking up Hubby and making him take me to breakfast. French toast is calling my name with mounds of sugar on it. Hello, sugar high.

Then after that, maybe go to a baseball game and eat some hamburgers and drink BEER because that is what people DO on the holidays. And I will not go back to work tomorrow hearing how rested and relaxed everyone is….while I hide in the corner rocking myself…..today we WILL have some fun.

Oh yea, that is after we drop all these dogs back to my sisters. I never want to see another dog again! Let the fun begin…

Happy Memorial Day everyone!

So, I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been avoiding calling our landlord because well it’s just ONE MORE thing I have to deal with and I am just not up for it.

Last night was the last night I could avoid her, she left me a long message. Here’s how it went (now don’t get me wrong, she is nice and all….BUT, the pressure of everything is getting to me):

voicemail

Landlord: SO, we need to touch base. I was just wondering if maybe I could get the keys back from you tomorrow and we could get everything sorted out?

Me (cursing under my breath at the voicemail): WHA? Tomorrow is ONLY WEDNESDAY! We have til Monday, right?

Terror grips my heart as I screech at Hubby

Hubby: Yea, just call her back and tell her.

Me (again, this lady is so nice, but I have reached my limit remember): WHY is EVERYONE so dumb? I cannot take the stress anymore. I am cracked…everywhere. Why does everyone want something from me.

Hubby: Just call her. Tell her she has to wait til Monday.

So, I call her. With that I tell her there is no way, unless hell freezes over, which who knows…it might…that I can get the keys to her before Monday, June 1. I mean that is what our lease goes to…..to which she is completely kind about. As I continue on about how work is killing me, and I can’t take a day off this week due to a major report being due and I have ulcers, and I am dying, and my sisters are out of town…and we just got the apartment and there isn’t enough time in the day….well, I think you get my drift.

So, anyways….yup, that’s my life right now…..Danger ahead. Steer clear!

Is it Friday yet? Work has made me feel like this….

I have this thing where I am just not good at telling lies, especially to those who know me well. Being the sarcastic person that I am, I decided there is no point trying to hide it all inside, so most of the time (especially at work) I have a tendency to always tell the truth which, in my defense, sometimes comes out awkward.

After not hitting the CLOSE DOOR button fast enough on the elevator…

Coworker: Wow, you get here early.

Me: Yup

Coworker: How come?

Me (a little too crazy and excitedly): Because I just cannot wait to get to work in the morning!

Awkward Pause

Random Co-worker (smiling and whistling a happy tune): Hey! How are you?

Me (fake smile on face): Dying

Random Co-worker: Oh! On the inside or outside?

Me: Both

Awkward Pause

Later on…after a long, arduous meeting where I was tortured unmercilessly for hours

Different Random Co-worker: Hmmm you look like you are having a hard day.

Me (thinking to self…no shit sherlock): Oh, yea, well at least I am still breathing.

Different Random Co-worker: Yea, take deep breaths and pray…that is what I do….

Me: (staring with glazed look)

Awkward Pause

Passing people I usually avoid in the hall….

Coworker: Hey! I haven’t seen you in a long time! Have you been hiding from me?

Me: Yes, I have! You are scary.

Awkward Pause

Coming back to work on Monday…

Coworker: I got a haircut this weekend!

Me: Yes….you did, didn’t you?

Awkward Pause

Some people just can’t handle me in all my glory….

So, both my sisters are off on their “vacations” this week. Thus “getting out of helping” their older, wiser, amazing, smartest older sister move. EVIL SLACKERS. And yea, they DID plan this on purpose.

It’s “sister code” for getting out of  things we don’t want to do, well that and selective hearing. Irregardless, we text each other constantly just to rub it in.

Texting

Sar: I’m having an AMAZING, RELAXING time! How’s the move going?

Me: I HATE you. WHEN DO YOU GET BACK HERE to help?

Sar: Eh, Friday.

Me: You will be my slave!

Sar: I guess I DO owe you

(Remember people…I watched her EVIL puppy)

Than later on the younger one starts in…

Rae: Oh. Graduations are SO torturous! My life is WORSE than yours!

Me: OMG you are on VACAY. SHUT UP.

Rae: I’m hot.

Me: SHUT UP. I’m HOT AND MOVING.

Rae: SO what! Going to graduations are worse.

Me: I would go to 1000 graduations in trade for you moving us.

Rae: LOL

They are both dead meat when they come back.

HEAR ME? I know you are reading this, EVIL SISTERS.

PS. Don’t worry, I will save a LOT of boxes for you to help with!

Dear God,

Please make it stop. The moving, the stress, the crazy people, the boxes that follow me everywhere, the crazy people, the moving, the boxes, the crazy people….well I think you get my point.

I’m tired. You win. I can’t handle anymore. I promise to be good…well for now anyways. IF and only IF you will just make IT.ALL.STOP.  Sound good? Do we have a deal?

PS. One last thing, can you also make it not too hot this weekend? A little rain might even be good, to keep me cool during the move.

How about it?

Can we work this out?

And the fun continues. The “official moving weekend” is now upon us. Anyone out there want to come and help out?

Yea, I didn’t think so….it doesn’t hurt to ask though. It should be cooler today only 100, according to the weather channel…..

So, let me know…..I’m never one to turn down free help!

Oh, and one more thing, do you think the NOT IT rules work in this situation? Here’s hoping!

Rae just got back in town from her vacay. I know, hard life right?

So, I got a call from her last night:

Rae: So, I was just wondering what time the move starts tomorrow?

Me: Well, we pick up the Uhaul truck tomorrow by 10. So be ready by 10:30am.

Rae: Ok, so is my bed still there?

Me: HA HA. You’re JOKING right? We moved everything! There is very minimal stuff in the house.

Rae: OK OK I was just checking. Anyways, I can’t do a lot of heavy lifting tomorrow…

Me: WHY?

Rae: I have a sunburn!

Me: ROLLING EYES OVER THE PHONE.

So, we are at the final stages of being done with the move. Thanks goes out to those that were enlisted in the “helping process” you know who you are…

So Hubby and I continue to clean….well Hubby continues to pack, while I clean…and take a few breaks. Breaks consist of every 10 minutes! They go like this:

*swish the toilet (break)

*clean the mirrors (break)

*vacuum a room (break)

*pack up the bathroom odds and ends (break)

*clean the bathtub (break)

*throw away lots of stuff that I don’t want to pack (break)

*play with the cat (break)

All while Hubby mutters under his breath…

Hey! I’m a good cleaner, I’m just not too motivated anymore….plus I have the art of taking a break down to a science!

I already miss you, house!

The move is officially completed. Although I can’t believe how sad I was to move out of the house. It was a beautiful house and last night it ended up making me really sad.

I think what makes me the most sad is the fact that no one is moving in, and it is most likely going into foreclosure. I mean, I know it is just a house, but that house had a spirit. I can’t explain it any other way. Just makes me sad. I got all teary eyed pulling away. It was sad.

I mean we didn’t own it, so I can’t even imagine what it feels like for the owner. But, for me, it definately hit hard. Well, I guess life goes on.

Bye, House, I’ll miss you.

Now to unpack the apartment…..FUN.

NOT IT?

This is SO me. And the week just keeps getting longer….

Well, for the next 2 days at work, I will be assisting with our move to a new location. I was “elected” move captain. Yea, I am SUPER excited. Trying to hide all my excitement, though I am sure you all can feel the excitement seeping through my blog….right?

Oh AND the stupid internet people won’t be able to hook up our internet until Monday night. So, dear readers, try and survive the weekend without me cause I know I will miss you all! Hopefully soon everything will get better….I think I might take some days off next week just to recover from my life and my destiny to become a professional mover.

Drinking tonight….for sure! Finally the weekend is upon us….and I am dead.

Well, you already know how deaf my sisters and I are….well, Rae has a knack for making the dirtiest comments…unbeknowist to her!  One evening last week, we went over to Sar’s house and Hubby grilled up some hamburgers and sausages! It was fun.

Maybe a little too fun:

Rae (screams a little): AHHHH this sausage  is squirting everywhere.

I make a face with raised eyebrows and then Sar, the Hubbies, and the Hostage all start giggling nonstop.

Rae: WHAT!?

Me (copying): ewwwww IT is squirting everywhere….eww gross!

Rae: OMG. Why do your minds always go straight to the gutter whenever I talk!??

Me: Well, you always choose the best word choices….and it is my JOB to humiliate you as your oldest sister. I take my responsibilities VERY seriously!

Rae: You better not blog about this!

Me: Ok.

It’s sad.

They say dogs take after their owners…you know? And since I am a genius, naturally, you would assume that MY DOG is a genius. Sadly, that is NOT the case. She is supposed to be a “smarter breed” however, it seems those smart DNA chromosomes are seriously lacking in her.

Patches has irrational fears.

Here is Patches:

She would like to come into our bedroom, however she is afraid to shove the door open with her long nose. Both cats CAN open the doors. But, for some reason the ajar door frightens poor Patches.

Example 1:

I want in...

So, what do I do? I mock her ( I KNOW, I KNOW, I’m a great mother!)….come on girl, you can do it, you tard….

Example 2:

This door is so HEAVY...

She almost has it. I said ALMOST, don’t get excited, people…

Example 3:

Did I do it?

But, then the irrational fears kick in….and she quits trying…

Example 4:

I can't do it....the door might bite me...

And that, my friends, is my NON GENIUS dog. 

Isn’t she cute? She takes after Hubby….

So, last night I decided to take Patches for a walk around the apartment complex. The complex is rather large– so large, in fact, that there are two pools…which I have yet to frequent, but I plan on it! Anyways, so there I am walking Patches, minding my own business, trying to let her determine the “perfect” area to take a dump (she is picky like that). Once she finishes, we continue on our way….I then sit down for a bit and let her hang out in the grass. She likes to contemplate her surroundings and zone out for a bit. We are alike in that way.

So, there we are…. both just sitting there…when up comes this HUGE, burly guy in a bathing suit (obviously just come from the pool), for the sake of this post he will be referred to as HULK cause he was BIG. Anyways we had a brief conversation and it went like this:

HULK: Wow, that’s a big dog.

Me (thinking gotta love the irony): Uh huh

HULK: Does he bite?

Me: It’s a SHE and no, she only bites when I tell her too…. (ha ha yea right)

HULK: Oh, wow, still he’s big.  Is he friendly?

Me: Ummmm no, not really…SHE has rabies and hates people.

HULK: stares at me like I’m crazy and walks away

Me To Patches

Me: And that, Patch, is how you make friends at the new complex!

This morning, I awoke to my cat, Boston, licking my eyelids. He does that when he wants to eat. If I hold real still sometimes he will stop…but usually I move a little and he knows he has succeeded in waking me. Then he starts meowing and being obnoxious (his specialty).

So, anyways, I take the dog out and come back in to the cats meowing LOUDLY in the kitchen for food. But, that is when I saw it….the telltale spoon that was already in the sink….what did this mean? Hubby had already fed them. Sneaky bastards…they thought I wouldn’t notice the spoon.

So, I promptly walked out of the kitchen, and told them they are not getting anymore food. I then walked back out to the kitchen a bit later, and found Boston chomping down on Patches’ dog food, while Patches watched helplessly….

Boston had managed to eat all her food too!

FEED ME

Yesterday Rae decided that she would take me, Sar, and Sar’s friend (SF) out to go get massages. Now, I must admit, I was the party pooper saying I didn’t want to go….but after many text messages and death threats, I thought I had better go do this with them…and I was pleasantly surprised. Before the massage, we had a couple of questions for Rae:

Sar’s Friend (SF): Do we have to get naked?

Me: Only if you want a happy ending…

Rae (rolling eyes): You only strip down to your comfort level…

SF: Ok…what? I wasn’t sure….

 We all went our separate ways to our different massage people. Mine was fairly good. She told me about her previous job as a truck driver….which was interesting. AND she kept telling me to RELAX. Apparently I am uptight.

Then when we were all done we compared notes:

SF: I got a coupon to come back for another one for free!

Rae: My massage was amazing. She even did my scalp!

Me and Sar: WHAT? We didn’t get that part.

Sar: Well, mine did my glutes. That is your butt by the way….

SF: WHAT? I GOT NO BUTT ACTION!

Me: I did…and it was good….

Sar: Yea, me too…I think my butt is even a little sore!

SF: That is so unfair…she didn’t even touch my butt. No action there whatsoever!

Me: Hmmm maybe your butt is a little unwelcoming….

Well, I don’t know what it is lately. The moon, all the moving, stress, or maybe just having a few days off….but….my brain seems to be seeping out of my head. I don’t know how this happened. But, for example, I am either getting dumber (this was a statement, stop nodding your head in agreement) or I am in greater need for a vacation than I thought. How do I know? Well today has just been one of those days (I know it’s not even 9am yet…) for instance:

1. I failed to set my alarm last night for work, luckily Patches came through with her whining and woke me up..not that missing work is a BAD thing…

2. I nailed my thumb in my desk at work…

3. I was saying hi to my friend at work, got to my desk and somehow in that one step lost my phone. When I realized this, I went back to her office…..and she tried calling my phone (which was on vibrate). There we were, both on our hands and knees searching for this lost phone…and there it was…right in front of my face, in my chair…vibrating….it must have fallen out of my pockets and I was sitting on it.

4. I have meetings at work today. They are torture, especially when your brain is gone.

5. I am not sure what else…yet…..but I will be sure to fill you in.

Is it too early to start drinking?

After a long day of this…..

Combined with a long stint in rush hour traffic….(barely breathing)

FUN STUFF

Makes this PRICELESS!

So, not gonna lie. I have been going through some not so fun times lately. But, I’m fine and things will work out. However, today I went to my first “counseling” session. I’ll be real honest here…I am a bit skeptical of the whole “tell me your feelings” stuff. But, whatever. I am willing to try anything once.

 I like to think I keep an open mind. Or try to anyway! So, here is how the conversation went:

Counselor: Do you listen to the voices in your head?

Me: Excuse me? I don’t understand what you are asking me.

Counselor: Oh, I mean how do you make decisions….do they come through intuition or do the voices inside you tell you…

Me: Well, I would have to say intuition because if I listened to the “voices inside my head” they would bicker all day and I would never get anything done! It would be a complete disaster!

Counselor: nodding and smiling

I don’t think she gets my sense of humor….what do you think?

The Hubby and I went out of town this past weekend. Didn’t go too far and I have some interesting stories and pictures…mostly that I was charged by deer at the deer farm. They look cute and all, but they are CRAZY! So, until I can organize myself and get out of my millions of meetings for today, you will have to stay tuned…

So, it’s no secret really, but I HATE peas. You know, that little round, green vegetable that tastes nasty? Yea, that one. I don’t consider myself THAT picky, so the other night while Hubby was making dinner I questioned WHAT he was thinking…

Me (maybe a bit snotty–but in my defense I had had a LONG day at work): WHAT are you making for dinner?

Hubby (ever so patient): Umm some chicken casserole dish.

Me: Eh, WHAT is in it? AND what are you doing with that vegi pack? You KNOW I hate peas.

And then I walk away to find my Crown and Coke (hey, it makes me nicer…Hubby encourages me to drink). I return to find him picking out the peas out of the vegi pack.

Hubby: See, this is how much I love you.

Me: That’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t do that for you….you shouldn’t do that for me!

So, he stops….

It’s only later that I realize, once the dinner is ready,  I just SHOULD have let him pick out all those nasty peas, as  I had inadvertantly eaten some that hadn’t made it into my pea pile…..

You KNOW they are gross when even the dog won't touch em...

Swarmed...yea they LOOK cute...

Last weekend we went out of town. One of the things I was DYING to do was go to the Deer Farm to feed the deer. It was a childhood memory people, ok? Stop shaking your heads….I KNOW I am not 7 anymore….

Mostly, I wanted the “I fed the deer cup” because it seemed cool and it was the one relic from the past that  I remember proudly showing  ALL my friends when I was about 7 years old. Please don’t ask me why. I have no idea what I thought was so cool about this cup. Probably just the fact that it said “I Fed the Deer!”

So, there we were….at the deer farm, and let me tell you I was excited! That is, until we opened the gate and I quickly lost all interest in feeding them, as they charged after me. I shoved my “I FED the Deer Cup” in Hubby’s hand….no longer was this cup a prized possession. Those deer immediately charged whoever had the food. First thing that occurs is the scouter deer (the ringleader) noses the cup and makes half the feed fall all over the floor. I was shocked!

Are deer really this smart? Yes, apparently they are.

Next thing I knew Hubby  was mocking me for being terrified of them. I mean, don’t get me wrong…I thought the deer were CUTE, but they were swarming me….and one even stepped on my foot. I think they were trying to maul me, and all I wanted to do was pet and feed them! So, what did I do? I ran away….only they kept following me….

the followers...

The ringleader had one goal: GET THE GIRL WITH THE FOOD! And they were all in unison.

This way, guys! This way!

So while I am glad I went….all in all, the Deer Farm was not what I remembered, and once you run out of food, they are no longer interested in you. NOR will they allow you to pet them. They will, however, be happy to eat your clothing….

Hmm this is yummy too....

Me (upon entering the deer farm to Hubby): I want a pet deer! Can I have one?

Hubby: No!

Hubby (after leaving the deer farm to Me): You still want that pet deer?

Me: NO!

This is RED BALL.

RED BALL is Patches’ most FAVORITE toy. She brings it out about 2 million times a day and flings it at us. She is trying to tell us she wants us to fill it with bones by flinging it on our stomachs, feet, or any other appendage she can manage to aim at, maim or cause bodily harm to.

Here are our different takes on how to parent our obstinate dog:

Hubby to Patches as she flings RED BALL onto his toes

Hubby: NO! You already had that once today. Now go eat your dinner! NO.MORE.RED.BALL.

I WANT RED BALL!

 

 

Me to Patches as she flings RED BALL at my toes, after many failed attempts to get Hubby to give in to her…..

Me: You want RED BALL? Ok, I will give it to you!

Hubby: NO! I TOLD HER NO!

Me: So what….girls rule….I over-rule you….she wants it, she gets it.

Hubby: That is not a way to teach her! You can’t give in to her all the time….

Me: Yes I can! It shuts her up!

This is how I know I was not cut out for child rearing…

I just realized something….I MISSED my Unbirtday on June 25th! Is this what getting older does to you? You forget your own UNBIRTHDAY?

WHO does that? I’ve been looking forward to it and somehow I completely spaced out on this!

Someone needs to get me a late unbirthday present. I am feeling VERY sad for missing this!

Hanging out with the sisters is always good for the self-esteem. They have this “magical” way of knowing just what to say to make one feel good about themselves. It’s true, you don’t believe me? Just judge for yourself…

Sisters: WOW! Is your butt getting BIGGER?

Me (trying to look at it over my shoulder): What do you mean?! It’s NOT getting bigger.

Sisters: I thought you were working out!?

Me: Yea, sometimes, but not every day lately….

Sisters: I mean, IT moves INDEPENDENTLY of your body when you walk…..

Personally, I think they are just jealous. Yea, that’s it…cause their butts are as flat as pancakes! So there!

The apartment that is. Why you ask?

Because GODZILLA has moved upstairs above me. NOT COOL. Especially when I can’t sleep because someone doesn’t know how to walk quietly.

NOT FUN.

Hope they are gonna go on a diet soon, because everytime they walk around the ceiling shakes!

Hubby: Hey did someone move upstairs?

Me: YUP. THIS is not good.

Hubby: I shall call them He who does not walk lightly.

Me: I shall call them: FAT ASS!

This weekend I visited my old friend from college and her baby– The Most Hilarious Child In the World (MHCIW). MHCIW is hilarious and she knows it. At least I like to think so. She cracks me up. Here is our conversation from last night.

(A little background she is learning to go potty on the big girl pot and I am impressed with how well she is doing. She is only 2.5 and she appears to be VERY motivated by chocolate. Every time she goes in the big girl pot she gets a reward…and she KNOWS it, she consistently demands her chocolate after tinkling….that’s a girl after my own heart…motivated by chocolate. )

Anyway in this instance, she had just finished a successful potty and had decided to flash us all with her bare bottom:

Me: MHCIW, stop showing us your butt!

MHCIW: I like big butts….

Me: Wow, did she just say that?

Mommy: MHCIW! Put your dress down, we don’t want to see your butt. It is private, that is why we cover it.

MHCIW: Just like boobies!

Playing Doctor with the Most Hilarious Child in the World (MHCIW):

MHCIW: Your sick I can fix you.

Me: You can? Ok.

MHCIW: Come with me to my office.

Me: Ok.

MHCIW (she checks my heart): Now take a deep breath…

MHCIW: hmmm it’s broken.

Me: My heart?

MHCIW: uh huh, but you aren’t dead….

Me: yet…..

You know it’s gonna be one of THOSE days when…

1. You have only been at work for 45 minutes and you are ready for a nap.

2. Your boss calls you within the first 5 minutes of being at work to tell you she is going to be late because she has diarrhea.

3. You have spent the last hour looking for a paper that you need for a meeting, which somehow was right there this WHOLE time on your desk.

4. You are counting down the seconds til the Holiday weekend. And NOT because you are doing anything fun….

5. Your patience level is at a 0.

6. Your alarm didn’t go off this morning…or maybe it did and you just chose not to hear it.

7. Your boss continues to tell you about her diarrhea problem…WHAT?

8. You have 14 days til you go on vacation and it seems like an eternity….

9. You have cleared your desk, so you can start banging your head on the wood, in the hopes that the pain will cause you to not focus on the headache that is forming…

10. It isn’t even 8am yet….

We are visiting the parents this weekend. And my Mom is making me go through old boxes in the garage. I said I wouldn’t do it, but then Rae and I discovered some of my old diaries from when I was about 7 years old….

Good stuff. Basically they went like this:

I hate Molly. She doesn’t do what I say. We are not friends anymore.

Next Page/Day: I forgive Molly, but she should do what I say more.

Later on Rae and I are talking about what was written in the diaries:

Me: Wow, I guess somethings never change.

Rae: Yea, you were ALWAYS a whore….

Happy 4th everyone!

 Hope you all have a restful and fun Holiday! Don’t get too drunk….I plan on it…

I know I am an irratible person by nature, but everyone has these, right?  I mean, I can’t be the only irrational one out there that sees something  or someone and thinks WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THAT PERSON, right?

1.    Bad drivers. You know the ones that don’t use their signals, weave in and out of traffic , tailgate you and then flip you off. Yup those ones. Those are the types that I want to kill and maim. Do you think I have road rage?

2.    Moving. I really despise moving and packing up boxes.

3.    People who don’t say what they mean. Just be frank with me. I can handle it, but I am not going to play the mindreading game with you…..either say what you mean, mean what you say or just say nothing. ( I think I prefer the latter)

4.    No, seriously. I REALLY HATE MOVING.  

5.    Waiting. I am the most impatient person EVER. I can barely contain myself if someone tells me to WAIT….eh.

6.    Have I mentioned yet, that I HATE moving?

In case you were not sure…I think I am the girl on the right

Let me paint a picture for you….

I am in one room and my sister, Sar is in another. So we are basically on two separate sides of the house. When we decide we will start talking with each other. We have done this FOREVER. Even when we were kids…we would shout at each other from opposite ends of the house. My Mom didn’t quite enjoy our LOUD forms of communication.

Sometimes we shout about very important things. Although the following was just a conversation about watching TV, which Sar would probably argue as a very important conversation! 

Me: SAARRRR! STOP WATCHING TV WITHOUT ME!

Sar: I’M WATCHING IT WITHOUT YOU.

Me: STOP IT.

Sar: NO!

Me: YES!

Sar: NO!

Me: YES!

Well, you get the picture….in walks Hubby, Rae and the Hostage, clearly exasperated by us.

The Hostage: You guys have a weird way of communicating.

Rae: THEY ALWAYS DO THIS! (as you can see she shouts too, clearly it is in the genes…)

Hubby: Is it THAT hard, that you can’t get up and talk with each other?

Me and Sar (screaming): WE LIKE TO SHOUT…..

Hubby: No wonder they are deaf….

Help! Aliens have taken over my stomach!

This is Boston.

He is ALWAYS HUNGRY. Always.

This is last night’s dinner conversation:

Me: Do you think Boston is pregnant, cause he is ALWAYS hungry?

Hubby: Boys can’t be pregnant!

Me: Do you think he is on his period?

Hubby: Again, boys can’t get their period.

Me: Maybe aliens have invaded his body and when he eats, the food goes straight to the alien stomach and thus he is ALWAYS hungry?

Hubby: You have an overactive imagination.

Me: You have a very limited belief system.

WOO HOO…let the countdown begin: I will be there for the 12AM showing (not that I will be much good at work the next day)

5 more days!

SO EXCITED

mmmm #7!

I ate too much Jersey Mike’s for lunch and I had to unbutton the top button of my jeans.

My stomach is so full. I think I might give birth to a giant sub someday if I keep up with this JM obsession.

But, it is just THAT good….mmmmm

yea...this is NOT actually me...but this is what I HAD to do....

Well, we already knew I was evil……….so why try and change?

Me: NOT IT NOT IT NOT IT

Hubby: UMMM no…you are not getting out of it this time!

Me: Yes I am.

Hubby: No you are not. I KNOW you see cat puke some mornings and you just walk past it!

Me: That’s not true, I get up when it is still dark out! How could I possibly see any puke? (insert evil smile here)

And that, my friends, is the truth. Cross my heart and hope to die….

Yesterday,  Hubby, myself and Sar’s Hubby went to the ballgame. It was fun. I love going to the games! LOVE.IT. But, I will let you in on a little secret. The REASON I love going so much is for the food. Yup, F.O.O.D. I love ballgame food. Don’t know why, but there is just something about eating hotdogs, drinking beer, and people watching–you get some real crazies at the ballgame!

Yesterday, however, I was craving peanuts. Now, I am not much of a peanut eater because it is SO MUCH WORK to get that darned peanut out of the shell and I always manage to ingest half the shell while trying to get out that crappy little nut. NOT.FUN.

But, yesterday, I was impressed with my skills of getting out that peanut! (Well, despite that wad of drool that came out with the peanut–yup, I am a bit messy). So much so, that before I knew it, I had eaten half the bag! Yes, NOT GOOD. Why you ask? Because by the time we got home, I had a stomachache and squirts to match it. I know, NOT FUN.

So, then we have to go to Sar’s for dinner and have the lovely dinner conversations we always have:

Sar: Why aren’t you eating more?

Me: My stomach hurts.

Sar: WHY?

Me: I ate too many peanuts.

Sar: What about a penis?

Yea, I think I will be laying off peanuts for awhile….

Last night Sar and I went over to Sar’s BFF’s house for dinner and to hang out. We have basically grown up with her and her family and are STILL friends, can you believe it?

Sar and BFF: You should write a blog about us…we are hilarious.

Me: Uh huh. Well, IF I do, not saying I will, what should I call your BFF? Since real names must be changed to protect the innocent?

BFF/Britney: You HAVE to call me Britney! That’s my SEX name!

Me: Huh?

Britney: You know, like what you are called in the bedroom…..

Sar and Me: HUH?

Then later we were all hanging out having some fun. When Britney blurted out that she was so excited cause she just found out she is preggo.

There we were, hanging out in the kitchen:

Me: Rae’s grumpy, I think she is on her period.

Britney: Guess what, I don’t have my period anymore!

Me: No joke, that is cause your preggo.

Britney: Oh yea!

Me: You see, Britney, when you get preggo, you no longer have your period!

Poor Britney, she tries…..and we love her just the same…..

Well, it’s move day here at the funny farm (that’d be work…for those of you that couldn’t figure it out).

THANK GOODNESS it is ALMOST over….you know what that means right? My days as “elected move captain” are almost over. Sigh, whatever will I do with myself?

What will I do to celebrate? (Drink, yes…but also a vacation is on the horizon!)

 Sar and I are flying out Thursday night for some fun sister/cousin/family reunion time! We are pretty excited and I am sure the good ol fam will give me lots of material…they usually do!

Wish me luck!

Well, Sar and I are at the airport awaiting to board our flight…woo hoo. We are excited, but I am not sure she really KNOWS where we are going….

Sar: UMMM WHERE are we going? When we checked bags, I told the guy we were going to Minnesota, and you said something different!

Me: Yea, cause we are flying into Minneapolis, which is IN Minnesota….

Sar: Oh……….

She doesn’t get out much…..

OOO Trees!

So, we arrived safe and sound to the first part of our trip! The Cuzin came to get us last night.

Me: Wow, the weather is gorgeous!

Sar: WOW, what are those purple plants!

Sar: WOW, look at all the trees!

Cuzin: Yea, we have those here…..

Sar: Well, we don’t have those in the desert! This is like a whole other world.

Cuzin: We are still in the USA, you know….

Is that enough of a clue for you to figure out where we are?

Vacation is amazing! I’ve decided my new job should be traveling around the world trying out new places and food. What? I feel like it is my calling in life!

We started out the day with my Uncle’s World Famous Waffles…mmm yummy!

famous waffles

Then it was off to downtown to go see the sites and the Lincoln museum and the old capitol building.

Capitol Building

Lincoln practiced law in here...

yea..we ARE cool....

Now, gotta go… off to play Old Maid and make family reunion shirts….I fear mine will turn out bad, since I barely know how to color in the lines….

Where's the food?

So Rae is watching the pets at the apartment this week, while I am out of town. What a good sister, right? Although she is not impressed with the looks of the apartment…as she explained to me one day over the phone when I was checking in…..

Rae: I’m pretty sure you were meant to be a boy!

Me: Why?

Rae: You have only plastic silverware and you have like nothing in the fridge or in the cupboards, for example plates or anything!

Rae: It’s like a man apartment!

Me: Yea, I guess so. It is very minimalistic.

Rae: Very man cavish….

Uncle: Come on girls…who wants to go for a walk with me and Stinky? (Stinky is the dog)

Sar: I will.

Me: Eh…I don’t know….

Uncle: Come on you need it…

Cuzin: I think he is saying you are fat!

Nothing like a little family love, right? So, we are on our way out the door when my Uncle starts pouting at his sister.

Uncle (to my Aunt, his sister): You have to come too.

Aunt: I don’t know..ok I will come, you just wait outside for me and I will be right there.

So, there we are waiting for our Aunt, while our Uncle confides to me and Sar the REAL reason he wants his sister to come!

Uncle: I need her to come, because she always picks up the dog poo!

Stinky, the poo maker....

Me: Ah, siblings…guess it doesn’t matter how OLD you get!

And without further adieu, I give you the park….

Foliage...what is that?

The Holey Leaf

Pretty Bridge

Swans in a lake....

I swear there are lightening bugs in this pic. Look in the center, for the lights...(Sar thinks I am crazy)

Who knew the Midwest was so pretty! Now, if only I could catch some of those lightening bugs!

Matt: Hey Cuzin, will you rub suntan lotion into my shoulders?

Chris:  No way, that’s gay….

Matt (to me): Cuzin…will you rub suntan lotion on me…

Me (with an evil smile): Of course, cuzin come closer….

A few nights ago at dinner we were talking about how our cuzin, Lainey’s life was over as she knew it (because she had to move here):

Me: So, it isn’t so bad here? Eh? You are all morbid and dramatic because you had to move here!

Lainey: You try moving here when all your friends are somewhere else in the middle of highschool….so that’s why I am full of sarcasm!

Matt (her brother): Well, you know that girl in Twilight had to move somewhere in highschool…what’s her name, Bella…

Lately at the dinner table, us cuzins have been picking on the baby cuzin Molly. (Yea, she is the one who didn’t know what a Barnes and Nobles was….she calls it Barness and Nobles).

And last night, she reached her breaking point as her cuzin buddy smashed cake in her face….as you can tell by this picture…..

The Chocolate Wasters...

Uncle (incredulous): Molly, what is that on your face? IS that CHOCOLATE??????

Molly (making the saddest face ever): Yea, your evil daughter put it there!

Uncle (sadly): What a TERRIBLE thing to waste…CHOCOLATE! You better lick that off!

Moral of the Story:  We don’t like to waste dessert in this family!

THE REUNION comes to a close

Now that we are on the last day of our trip, all of us cuzins are feeling sad. We actually enjoyed each other’s company! Can you believe it? Well, actually we enjoy terrorizing and making fun of each other…what can I say? It’s in our blood.

And last night was no different. We got back to the Twin Cities (Sar, do you remember what state we are in? Actually everyone, you should be proud…as I think Sar finally knows where we are…)

Anyways, last night we decided to watch Rob Zombie’s Halloween, and our Cuzin was VERY scared. So scared that he wanted to sleep near his big, strong, tough cousins….

My floor bed...

Cuzin's new bed for the night of the scary movie..

Me: Cuzin! How come you are sleeping on the couch? Is it cause you are too scared to sleep in your bed? Are you afraid Mike Myers will get you?

Cuzin: Eh…maybe. Besides if he DOES come in he will get you guys first.

Me: Actually, he would go straight for the bedrooms first…so you would be gutted first.

Poor Cuzin! He can’t handle those scary movies. Did I mention he is ALMOST 25?

Now that vacation is officially over, I am sad.

Very sad.

It’s like waking up with a really bad hangover, next to a dirty toilet. (And no Hubby is not symbolic for the dirty toilet, I was just trying to give you an analogy, people!)

But I have decided for the benefit of those around me (and their sanity) I should change careers and become a professional vaction taker, as I find I am much more pleasant when on vacation.  Once back to the land of non-vacation, well you better run for cover…

Now I just have to figure out how one goes about becoming this…..

Does anyone know?

Dad, will you take me Potty? Mom is BORING...

Me: UMM, Patches needs to go potty.

Hubby: So take her out!

Me: She told me she wants YOU to do it.

Hubby: Uh huh sure…..

Me: She did! She only likes when you take her out! She told me she thinks I am boring! And she likes spending time with you.

Me: Oh yea, she also prefers you to feed her, pick up her poo, and play with her too!

Last night we were having dinner at Sar’s house when Hubby got up from the table to go check on something outside.

Rae: What is he doing?

Me: Oh, he is checking his propane tank. He needs to empty it so he can take it.

Sar’s Hubby: Can’t he just exchange it for a different tank?

Me (very matter of factly): Oh no, he is really crazy obsessed with having the same tank. He doesn’t like to exchange and get a different tank.

Rae: That’s weird.

Me: Nah, not really. Everyone has their WEIRD QUIRKS.

Sar’s Hubby: I don’t have any.

Sar (rolling eyes): YES YOU DO.

Sar’s Hubby: SURE. IF anyone has weird quirks it’s YOU.

Me: What are Sar’s quirks?

Sar’s Hubby: She freaks out if I move the furniture around. She HATES change.

Sar: Yup, it’s true. I don’t like when he moves stuff around cause then I can’t find it!

Sar’s Hubby (sarcasticly): Yea, like when I move the couch around…it’s hard to find where I put it.

Sar: It is! I mean I like things how I like them!

Me: Well, at least I don’t have any weird quirks!

Rae (to Hubby): Yes she does! Tell us what they are!

Hubby: I am not gonna say…don’t wanna get in trouble!

And that, my friends, is a wise Hubby…

This is how I felt about the people in the apartment above us.  I made up some story (in my head) that it was a creepy serial killer who watched movies all day.  Why do I think this? Because I have never seen them and he/she USED to be so quiet!

That is until recently. Now, the creepy serial killer has come out of hiding. And walks, no stomps around at all hours of the night…..that is what I get, I guess, with a creative imagination. If I disappear, you know who got me…..

My sister always told me I would die young!

So the cat is finally out of the bag, I suppose. Hubby got offered a job in a Land Far, Far Away from where we live now. This has come with excitement (yay money) and much sadness, on my part, because I LOVE being close to torturing my sisters and I actually don’t mind where we live right now (and yes that is HUGE cause I am the biggest complainer usually–I know you all find that hard to believe—but I can admit to some small flaws in my character, I guess it comes with the GENIUS—small price to pay).

But, money doesn’t grow on trees and thus I am staying behind to work and keep the cash coming in for now. Hence, the apartment and the crazy psycho killer that lives upstairs. With that being said, I have mixed feelings of sadness (yea, I might actually miss Hubby–but please don’t tell him) and dreams of bachelorette days ahead of me. This DOES mean, I can now party and live it up sans Hubby, right?

Right?

Ok, maybe not, you damn party poopers! But now you know, if I start these long, rambling blog posts it’s because I am home alone, with no one to talk to but Patches and well, we don’t even have TV! So, dear readers, it is your job to keep me entertained and to talk to me every now and then to make sure I’m not crazy…or better yet make sure the crazy psycho killer upstairs doesn’t get me!  K?

BUT, Hubby and I were talking the other night and I think he is worried that I might kill Patches. Yup, Patches stayed behind cause she wants to live it up bachelorette style too….

Hubby: What will you eat?

(We ALL KNOW that I don’t cook–that’s why I got married—and yes I AM my Father’s daughter…but I can boil water! Sorry, Dad!)

Me: Hmmm well, I suppose I will be on the No Fail Diet.

Hubby: What is that?

Me: Well, I will eat TONS of cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner and Patches will eat LOTS of scraps.

Hubby: You both are going to be malnourished by the time I see you next.

Me: I prefer to think we will both be skinny!

Hubby: Don’t kill my dog.

Anyone out there want to cook for me? I think I can go months on cereal…

mmm cereal (who wants to bet I hate cereal after one week?)

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Patches: Whine Whine

(interpretation): Cereal with lots of milk.

Me: Yea, that sounds good.

Is it sad that I can understand the dogs whines and make conversation with her?

Me: I am excited to try and live by myself cause the apartment will always be clean!

Hubby: But, you barely know how to make dinners!

Me: What are you saying? That I can’t survive? I’m a BIG girl, darn it! I can handle it.

Hubby: But you barely can remember our new zip code!

Me: True. What is it?

NOT IT

For as long as I can remember I have believed in the NOT IT rules. It has been ingrained in my head. As children, my sisters and I consistently screamed “Not it” and that was it–no questions asked, you got out of that crappy chore.

Growing up, I continued this pattern way into adulthood (and maybe carried it a little to the extreme, but when you are passionate about something–why not go all the way):

Childhood Years

Mom: Someone needs to do the dishes.

3 Girls: Not it, not it, not it….(last one to call it looses)

Teenage Years

Mom: Someone needs to take your little sister to dance class.

2 older girls: Not it, Not it! (we did not want to be seen with Rae, worse yet be related)

College Years:

A house full of 5 roomates boys and girls combined equaled DIRTY HOUSE

Roomate: Someone needs to clean the bathroom.

Me: NOT IT

And then came the marriage years

Hubby: There is puke on the floor.

Me: NOT IT.

Hubby: SIGH (don’t feel sorry for him, he knew what he was getting into)

So, now you can begin to understand the history of the NOT IT rules and its’ significance to me. It’s basically a highly sophisticated version of Rock, Paper, Scissors…..only cooler because you can scream NOT IT from anywhere and if you are as clever as I, you can anticipate the NOT IT before anyone else (that is the key, my friends: ANTICIPATION–although a premature NOT IT, can forfeit you out of the game).

Well, now that I am living alone, I find I am STILL calling NOT IT. Only my new participant has 4 legs and cannot verbalize the NOT IT quite yet, though I am TRYING to teach her–you know, to be fair and all.

Bascially the scenario goes like this:

We are outside on a walk in the apartment complex. It is nighttime, a bit dark, yet the moon glows above us illuminating our path. Pretty, right?  (Well, this is the only time, Patches the big furry beast of a dog can get out when it isn’t 1000 degrees out.) So, there we are enjoying our nice walk when all of a sudden she takes a MASSIVE dump. She has completely ruined our nice walk.

Me: NOT IT!

Patches: no answer

Me: NOT IT!

Patches: still no answer, she doesn’t even have the decency to look up at me.

I guess I win, right…and I slowly creep away, feeling a little guilty and knowing it will probably be me that steps in it tomorrow anyways, but this is all Hubby’s fault for not teaching Patches the NOT IT rules!

P.S. Hubby, if you are reading this…there is some poo waiting here for you to clean up cause I called NOT IT. It still works long distance, right?

Lately, I have been getting a lot of questions and emails on if I am on Twitter or if my blog has a Twitter page……

Now, truth be told, I don’t think I am that interesting…..but I do aim to please, so what do you think? I suppose, since I have recently become a bachelorette, I have found I have COPIOUS amounts of time now.  And I do tend to talk to myself A LOT in the apartment now.  Just between us, I think Patches is starting to think I am crazy. So, I suppose I could do this Twitter thing, though I don’t know  much about it.

What do you think, should I do it? Advise me, oh wise bloggy friends……

Lately ever since Hubby left, my car has decided to revolt. I don’t know why she hates me. But, she does. Actually maybe she loves me because she wants me to stay home ALL.THE.TIME. Which might be both a blessing and a curse.

Here’s the deal. The morning Hubby drove away, she decided that she would torture me, by killing the alarm battery in the alarm remote. Ok, so no big deal, right? Yea, that’s what I thought. The problem is if I set off the alarm, it automatically kills the engine. So, even if I manually open the doors, I am stuck cause she WILL NOT start. Ok, so no big deal again right? Just go and get a new battery when she decides to let me.

So, off I go, after I slap the battery around and finally get her to start I go and get new batteries. Two to be exact, in case this happens again. See the problem is we bought the car used and it only has one key/remote. God forbid, I accidentally lock myself out, but so far so good….knock on wood. (Yea,  I know I can get another key made, but it isn’t cheap. I checked).

Anyways, this weekend she did it again. Refused to start, refused to let the alarm work. So there I was in the apartment complex, looking like I was trying to break in to my own car and cursing. Meanwhile, people are starting to peer out and LOOK at me, since apparently I am a car thief and an abusive car owner.

Long story short. I can’t figure it out cause the alarm will work ANYWHERE but the apartment complex. It works everywhere else. BUT, I now have to manually lock the doors whenever I park at the complex in fear that she will try and sabatoge me again. I think she is revolting cause the alarm works EVERYWHERE else.

Evil Car. Why do you hate me?

My bloggy friend, JW Nichlaus, has written a guest post to cheer me up and help put a smile on my face. So, without further adieu, I give you his words of wisdom to help me smile:

There once was a man from Nantucket . .
 
I’ve never been to Nantucket, much less Massachusetts. But I’m thinking that guy would be worshipped as a modern-day flesh idol. I’m not of that persuasion—not that I’m the least bit phobic, just isn’t my thing—but I’m just sayin’! Upon closer reflection, however, I’d think that would be an awful lot of baggage to lug around.
 
There is another take on this picturesque limerick, having to do with a man from Ghent. Apparently it was so much trouble that he kept it double—so goes the rhyme.
 
I don’t make these up, people!
 
This brings to mind another re-arrangement of a soldier’s classic:
Do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow
Can you carry them on your back like a soldier with his pack
 
I’m sure you have heard it, perhaps even recall it from when you were knee-high to a grasshopper. Amazingly, I remember being taught this in first grade! Probably a good thing I didn’t know how tea was made at that time, but as you can see, maturing has a very flexible nature about it ;^)
 
Amazingly, it’s thought that very song may have originated as far back as the Revolutionary War as a slight against the British, although I’m stumped as to how it would offend them. Later, in the early 1900’s it was revived and became so popular as to allow for the replacement of different anatomical parts (’cause “parts is parts”). None of those shall be mentioned here.
 
See, the whole point to this guest post isn’t to show just how corrupt or naughty we are as a society, but rather as an opportunity to hold a mirror up to us so we can smile, and maybe even laugh a bit. They’re meant to be funny and nothing else. They’re meant to shine a little light when the clouds become a little too dark. All in all, they’re meant to showcase us as what we are — human.

I am about out of cereal, which means I have to venture out and try other things for dinner. GASP.

So, tonight I attempted to make dinner for me and Patches. I made salad for me, and dog food for her. Both were an epic failure. (Please don’t ask me how I messed up salad, ok? But, I got MAD skills in the kitchen…ok, maybe not)

Patches: Are you KIDDING me, Mom. This looks nasty. I’m gonna tell Dad you are trying to kill me.

Patches: What IS this?

Me: Fine, but look how much WORSE mine is! (BTW, Patches wouldn’t even touch mine–she at least sniffed hers!)

Me: Why does it look like my salad threw up on itself?

Ok, let’s go get some McDonalds!

Mmmm burgers

Moral of Story: we both ate our dinner and I didn’t kill the dog. YET.

hamburgers make dinnertime better!

Me and Rae

Dear Little Sis:

 In honor of your birthday and to make up for years of torture and psychological damage, I have decided to let you in on a little secret:

Are you ready for this?

You REALLY weren’t adopted.

Really.

 Love ya,

Your big sis

Rae is the baby sis and today is her birthday and in honor of that event, I am going to be nice to her for the whole day (trust me, this is HARD people). Instead of writing her a Hate Blog, I will write her an I love my Sis Blog.

Here are 10 things I love about Rae, in no particular order:

1.      She used to believe everything I say. Not so much anymore, but I love her ability to trust her sisters so implicitly, even when we give her every reason not to.

2.      She has a good sense of humor.

3.      Sometimes when I beg, she buys me stuff!

4.      She turned out pretty ok, despite all the years of sister damage inflicted onto her.

5.      She and I share a love for DRINKING. We both are collectors of BIG BOTTLES OF BOOZE. Hey, don’t judge us!

6.      She has a natural ability to get out of chores and stuff she doesn’t want to do. I have yet to discover this secret ability.

7.      She has a way with words: her terms of endearment consist of “hey hooker” “whore” or “you’re a slut” and best of all “lamesauce”

8.      She has an obsession about brushing her teeth, but I can’t tell you why or she will kill me in my sleep. (But, if you pay me I might be bribed…)

9.      When Rae was little, Sar and I used to hide in her closet and jump out and scare the crap out of her. I STILL do this.

10. She now wishes she was adopted….I don’t know how anyone could wish this…especially cause WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO BE RELATED TO AN AMAZING SISTER LIKE ME?

Happy Birthday Rae!

Rae: Whore.

Me: Eh

Rae: You have to do what I say, it’s my birthday.

Me: No I don’t.

Me: You aren’t born yet, thus you don’t exist; thus I don’t have to be nice to you.

Rae: You said in your blog you would be nice to me. I KNEW you couldn’t do it.

Me: CRAP. I forgot. Maybe I will try again next year.

besides Christmas is……

SHARK WEEK!

Rae: WHAT are you doing? WHY aren’t you playing with me? (in her defense it was her birthday)

Me: CAUSE it’s Shark Week! I LOVE shark week! Just let me watch one more show….

Top Reasons why I love Shark Week:

1. Because sharks are awesome, which equals a week of awesome.

2. Because Jaws is so cool….I can’t stop watching him eat people and imagining they are people I want him to eat…

3. Because it’s like a holiday all in itself! A week of holiday! Now, does this mean I get off of work?

4. Because who doesn’t like watching sharks eat people?

5. Because they make cool tshirts like this, that I will have to buy….

Have to get this...

Black eyes...

So, the parental units are visiting this weekend which equals interesting conversations. But, then again, that’s family, right?

Me: I think it is WEIRD to have your parents as your friends on Facebook. I am not all about that.

Mom: But, I am your friend!

Me: I know! If it were up to me, I would have denied you….

Rae wanders into the family room after a nap.

Dad: Rae, are you wearing makeup or are your eyes turning black?

Rae (rolling eyes): I’m wearing makeup. It’s smokey eyes.

Dad: Oh. I thought you liked being natural.

Rae: Dad, girls can wear makeup! (P.S. Dad, Rae isn’t 10 anymore…)

Dad: Oh, I wasn’t sure if your eyes were turning black….

ON trying to decide what is for dinner

Sar: I want Spaghetti Factory.

Dad: Do they make spaghetti there?

The weekend was an overall success. The parents came, they fed me, and they even got me some more milk for my cereal! Who doesn’t love when the parents come to visit?

 Dinner:

Mom (to me): You don’t have to eat so fast! It’s like you have never seen food before!

Rae: Mom, she is used to eating cereal; she forgot what real food was like!

Dear Mom,

Thanks for making me some dinners this week. Now, I won’t have to eat cereal everyday.

Dear Dad,

Thanks for giving me some extra money to get through the week! Now, I won’t have to hit the streets.

Love,

Your “can’t even make a salad without screwing up” daughter

yup, this is me...

I don’t know what it is, but there is something about being at work–where my sarcasm just thrives like bees to honey. I don’t know why. Mostly I think it is because most people don’t get it…maybe that is it….or maybe it is just my way of making friends…or enemies…whichever.

So there I was in the elevator pressing the buttons as fast as I could to get the doors to close, but there is ALWAYS that person that wants to get on at the last minute. I don’t like those people. If I could shoot lasers from my eyes and kill them right there in the elevator I would. Yup. Definately.

Work Person: Why do you press the door close button so much?

(I have an obsessive habit of pushing that button like 3-4 times, hoping it will make the doors close faster by some miracle of God. It never happens though, but someday it MIGHT, don’t ruin my delusions…)

Me: Because I believe it makes the elevator close faster, thus getting us to our final destinatation that much faster.

Work Person: Are you being sarcastic or do you really believe this?

Me: Oh. I really believe it. I’m never sarcastic, I’m far too ditzy to grasp the subtleties of mockery.

Work Person: Oh, ok.

Me (smiling)

Many of you have asked if I miss Hubby yet….

And the simple truth? 

If Hubby texts, calls or emails me ONE more time telling me how he is eating like a KING–oh you know, steak dinners and whatever else that makes my tongue salivate as I type I WILL strangle him. All I have to eat is cereal. Doesn’t he care? Nope, no siree, he does NOT care. He wants me to DIE from only eating cereal. Yup folks, true story.

Don’t tell me to take cooking lessons. I got married for a reason, remember? And Hubby is not upholding his part of the bargain: which is to make me food.

These are the types of texts I get:

Me: This day is lasting entirely TOO long.

Hubby: Oh. I’m at home with my feet up.

Me: I hate you.

More Texts:

Hubby: It’s thundering and raining here.

Me: I hate you.

But then he sends me an email of Boston…who I REALLY DO miss…and then I sorta DO miss Hubby….sorta

Email: Boston says good morning. He likes to watch me from the top of the stairs.

My Response: He is so adorable. I prefer to think he is plotting his escape to come back to me

Can you see him? He is peering down from the top of the stairs...

This weekend the sisters and I are planning to go visit with Hacim. Yea, it’s been awhile. Anyway, I have known Hacim for a very long time. This being said the sisters and I are looking forward to spending some time torturing our (honorary) adopted brother.

But, the funny part is, apparently he is more excited to be tortured by us then I thought! I received an email from him the other day. It said:

Hacim: 3 more days…

Me: You that excited to see me, huh…that you started a countdown? How cute!

Hacim: No. Not really.

Me: Yea right….you miss me…HEY, do you know where babies come from?

Ahhh 3 more days til the torture begins…..

Last night I was talking on the phone with Hubby and I could hear loud noises in the background. Guessing it was probably the tv, I asked what he was watching. He informed me he was watching pre-season football. Now, I am not the hugest football fan ever—I prefer baseball and basketball, but I think I have an average intelligence when it comes to rooting for teams. My method of picking the winning team? I either pick one that is sentimental to me, for instance, one that represents a state I am fond of (if I happen to like that state) and also one that Hubby isn’t rooting for.

The latter is actually my specialty. I don’t like rooting for teams that Hubby does, mostly out of principle–you know, I do like to be the devil’s advocate, but sometimes we do overlap on teams we like. However, last night I discovered what a TRAITOR Hubby has become and he has only been gone a little over 2 weeks.

Me: So, what are you watching?

Hubby: Oh, the pre-season Steelers/Cardinals game.

Me: Oh, who are you rooting for?

Hubby: Steelers

Me: WHAT?!! You went to college in AZ, and you lived in AZ! How can you root for the Steelers?

Hubby: Well, I’ve always liked the Steelers and now I live near Steeler country.

Me: YOU ARE THE BIGGEST TRAITOR!

Hubby: Why, WHO are you rooting for?

Me: Why, the cardinals of course. I’m LOYAL like that.

Hubby: But, when the Cards played the Steelers in the superbowl, I told you I didn’t care who won.

Me: That’s not true…you said you would root for the Cardinals, since you loved Arizona!

Hubby: Well, I like the Cardinals…yadda yadda (this is where he goes off on a long rant about teams and this is where I stop listening…..)

Me: YOU ARE A TRAITOR, I am not sure I can even talk to you anymore.

Hubby: You’re ridiculous.

Me: TRAITOR.

TRAITORS!

So, this weekend we hung out with my good friend Hacim and his family. We drank, we ate, we hung out by the pool AND of course we bantered and fought….but that goes without saying. I think Hacim got just the right amount of torture.

Here is a summary in no particular order:

* Upon seeing Hacim, I promptly ask him where babies come from and then proceed to tell the story to all his sisters for their enjoyment.

*Hacim pushes Rae into the pool. Me and Rae then try and depants him in the pool. Paybacks are a bitch, no?

*Hacim then pushes Sar in the pool. (And no he does not learn) Sar punches the crap out of him and punches him in the forhead. He still has a welt.

*Hacim tries to drown me. I poke him in both eyes while he cries bloody murder.

*Hacim complains about getting “swamp ass” (Swamp ass is a condition you get in the car…usually when your butt cheeks are so hot they stick together) and “swamp legs and pits” and attempts to wipe it all onto my shrieking sisters in the backseat. We almost have to pull the car over. He says its his job to be like a brother to us, since we never “officially” had one….now we know what we are missing out on.

 *Within the first few hours of us sisters seeing  Hacim…..

 Rae: Your butt is getting bigger….

Hacim: Yea, SO?

Rae: You need to take ownership of that big butt of yours.

 Later on we are all sitting on the bed in the hotel room talking….Hacim sits on the bed and the leg on the left corner of the bed frame BREAKS.

Overall, the weekend was so fun. It was great to see him and I think we sisters got about a year’s worth of torturing in. Unless he is willing to come back for more…..

Right, Hacim?

BEWARE!

So, this weekend was like a mini-college reunion. My old college roomie came out to hang out with Hacim as well. I hadn’t seen her in a bit, so it was nice to touch base again. She is the mother of the most hilarious child in the world (MHCIW) and she reminded me that I need to come see MHCIW soon because apparently she remembers my last visit quite vividly….I do have that type of affect on the little people, but I prefer to think it is because MHCIW and I are kindred spirits.

Roomie: So, bad aunite, when are you coming out to visit MHCIW again?

Me: Oh, I should! Does she miss me?

Roomie: Why yes. I’ve had the most terrible time lately with her scaring off the babysitters!

Me: What?! Why?

Roomie: Because she keeps telling them about firebugs!

Me: Firebugs?

Roomie: Yes, and everytime we get home we are asked if we are having a bug problem. All thanks to you!

Me: Firebugs?

Roomie: Yes, remember when we were at that restaurant and MHCIW kept trying to crawl under the table and then you ….

Me (lightening bolt of remembering strikes!): Oh yea! I told her that she can’t go on the floor cause the bugs that breathe fire (firebugs) would get her and eat her toes off….oh yes!

Roomie: Yea, and now she tells the babysitters they can’t put their feet on the floor or the firebugs will get them! Thanks for this….now people are gonna think she is crazy as she gets older and tells them about firebugs!

Me: I am pretty sure firebugs are real….

Hubby calls to check in on me after a LONG day, when the bad wife sneaks in and takes over my body…(this happens every once in awhile…it’s not my fault, really!)

Hubby: So, what happened today?

Me: Yea…it was a long day! I got a flat tire and Patches was whining the night before and then she tracked mud inside cause they are reseeding the grass outside…and well I guess that was about it. Nothing terribly new or exciting. How was your day?

Hubby: Well, my day was long and my computer…..BLAH BLAH BLAH….are you there?

Me: Silence

Hubby: Are you even listening to me?

Me: Ooops. Yea, sorry I was reading an email….

Hubby: Yea, you got really quiet. I knew you weren’t paying attention.

Me: Yea, I am not good on the phone…you should just email or text me!

Hubby: UGH.

So, I am going to let you in on another secret. I have never been that good at time change. You know it is XX time here and it is what time in New York? I mean I get the basic premise, but I’ve just never really had to adapt to it, so why bother, right? However, since I have now lived in a LOT of different places, I think (for the most part) I have generally learned to understand it. Now that you have that background, you should be able to see why this week took the cake in dumb things people ask me. So, clearly the irony in this story is that someone ELSE was asking me about time change….

Now, remember I have that KRZY vibe where all kinds of crazies ask me all kinds of crazy questions….well here goes:

On the phone, setting up an appointment:

Dumb person (DP): Ok, so I am going to call you back for that appointment next Tuesday at 1pm. Sound good?

Me: Sure that sounds fine, but you realize that I am 3 hours behind you, right?

DP: Oh, you are? Ok, so if it is 4pm here, right now, what time is it there?

Me (is this for real?): Umm that makes it 1pm here.

DP: OH! OK, I am SO glad you said something!

Me: Uh ok.

DP: So, if it is 3 hours behind me right now, is it always 3 hours behind or is it like 3 hours and maybe 15 minutes behind?

Me (exasperated): No, it is EXACTLY 3 hours! Exactly.

DP: Oh ok. Well, talk to you then.

Hang up. Phone rings about a minute later. It’s DP AGAIN.

Me: Hello?

DP: Hi, sorry. It’s me again. Did I tell you Monday or Tuesday?

Me: Sigh.

I think my name could easily be inserted for Bob’s on this lovely Monday morning….

This is my sister’s dog. He is still a puppy. Sure he MAY look cute, but he has the mind of a budding creepy creepster.

The Creepy Creepster

Why you ask?

Well, he chews his bones into the shape of a penis.

Again, you ask why?

 Because he is a perv. You don’t believe me? Judge for yourself….

The Evidence...

This weekend I slept over at my sisters…yep we had a sleepover party. Pillow fights, hair pulling, name calling, swearing, screaming, shouting—-yup all of it. We SO love each other.

The following took place:

Rae and Sar: GET IN HERE AND PLAY Rummicube!

Me: I am not playing with you guys, you are cheaters!

Sar: GET IN HERE!

Me: No. Not unless you call rummicube; it’s in the rules.

Sar: No it’s not!

Me: Yes it is!

(I then read the rules to her)

Sar: I don’t play that way.

Me: Cheater.

Well, really, I had to sleep over cause I have no food at my house and if they don’t feed me who will?

Me: I am hungry.

Rae: Me too. But I don’t know what I want…

(We both turn to look at the Hostage)

Me and Rae: Make us FOOD!

Hostage: No.

Me and Rae: DO IT.

Hostage: Ok, what do you want? Want me to make you something? How about eggs?

Me: EH. Sounds boring.

Rae: I want breakfast burritos. Go get us some……please?

And he did….he is such a good Hostage! Rae has trained him well!

I mean, we aren’t THAT demanding…..especially not if you feed us. And the Hostage clearly knows at this point, better to feed us and shut us up then argue….

Talking to Hubby last night on the phone, I was hit with a stroke of genius! I know, bear with me, as I am usually struck with genius ideas! Just no financial backers….YET.

Hubby: How’s Patches? Are you playing with her?

Me: No, I never do! But, she just had the most amazing time the other night! Some little boy came to the apartment trying to sell candy. He loved Patches though and wanted to play with her, so he and Patches played in the grass for a bit! She loved him. I told him he could have her!

Hubby: You did not!

Me: No, not really. But, while I was watching them play, I was struck with a stroke of genius! Are you ready for this?  I need to rent small children to play with her and tire her out! I think I am on to something! She was so good with him and they played together. Then maybe I can get them to feed her, pick up her poo, and take out the trash…all while I supervise! Sound good?

Hubby: You might be on to something!

Me: Yea, I think I will call it Rent-a-Kid for pet owners! I’m liking the sound of that already!

My future sign...

Any financial backers out there?

I am now a successful housewife.

(Stop rubbing your eyes…you read this right)

Well….are you ready for this? Really ready? Are you sure?

Ok…..here goes.

I made dinner last night! Yup, I did. No cereal. It was a chef salad (and I didn’t even mess it up AND it was from scratch)! Well, I guess as much as you can make the salad parts from scratch, but I DID do a whole lot of slicing and dicing….way out of my comfort range!

So, what did I do? I immediately texted Hubby telling him of my success in the kitchen. He was very proud.

But the sad news was, I was so exhausted after making it that I (kind of) lost my appetite….Ok…the truth?

I snacked a lot while making it….and then was too full to really eat any. WAY to ruin my dinner, huh?

Eh, maybe next time! Are you proud of me or what?

 Look at this amazing salad! Hey, I gotta take small steps, I’m no Betty Crocker just yet….but I DO think I am on the cusp for trying out for Hell’s Kitchen!

Success!

So, tonight I was minding my own business watching a movie when I get THE STRANGEST text from my FAVORITE (ok not really–for any other of you cuzins reading this….) boy cousin, Chester the texting molestor.

Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. But, who’s really THAT innocent, anyways?

Anyways, back to my story. So there I am watching a movie when I get the following text messages from my cousin.

Message:

Chester: Hey Girl! How are you? I miss that hot ass of yours….

Me (clearly this is NOT for me–I look at the text, examine the name and vomit into my mouth): EWW cuzin.

Chester (almost an hour later): Oops!  I mean I miss you cuzin, just not in that way!

Me: You are a creepy creepster, cuzin! And I don’t like you in that way! But this is good blogging material!

Chester: Hey! I obviously chose the wrong recipient! I was at work and trying to send a message quick….

Me: No duh? Really? ….I’m not backwoods cuzin!

Chester: Why would you want to blog about this? It’s kinda creepy!

Me: Exactly.

Chester: Whatever fine…you better not use my name though!

And that my friends is why you should be more careful when you text…you never know who is going to put it on there in the blogosphere…..

Love ya, Chester!

(Did you like your name?)

Go away mom...

Talking to Patches this morning:

Me: What should I blog about?

Patches: SILENCE

Me: Why are you ignoring me?

Patches: SILENCE

Me: I know you can talk….WAKE UP

Patches: SILENCE

Me: You hate me.

Patches: SIGH

So, fellow friends, I am turning the reigns over to you. Entertain me…

Do you have any questions, suggestions, or things you’d like to know about? Or are you all going to give me the silent treatment like Patches?

Even the voices in my head are quiet this morning ….

Please, SOMEONE entertain my annoying mom!

Dear Morning Traffic:

You make me want to cease to exist. Please go away. All of you.

Much Appreciated

It’s already a given that I’d rather cut off my right arm than get up on a Monday morning. However, since that IS NOT an option at this time  (I don’ t have sharp enough knives in my kitchen), I’d appreciate havingg the least amount of adversity possible on Monday mornings.

This includes the least amount of traffic possible. You know, it isn’t even the traffic that drives me crazy…though everyone knows at this point I am on the verge of needing to be put into a funny farm….but back to the point. The point is that there are 3 very distinct TYPES of drivers that make me want to saw off both of my arms this Monday morning. And they are:

1. Lookey Lous….those are the people that decide that they must look at the accidents on the side of the road. They MUST see exactly what happened, determine HOW it happened, and drive as SLOW as possible…perhaps even causing another accident. I WANT TO MAIM these types.

2. Speed Camera Stoppers…these are the types that (even though we are already going well below the speed limit, so no camera in its right mind is going to go off) MUST slow down and BREAK morse code or something like it so that all of us behind you want to reach through our windshields and shake some sense into you. TRUST me, slowing down for a speed camera when you are already going 20 under….well, let’s just say you’re safe. I WANT TO KNIFE these types.

3. Makeup Mavens…these are my personal favorite. Oh you know, they are barely holding on to the wheel, while applying their lipstick, blush, and who knows what else. Cause everyone knows that the car is the SAFEST place to put on your makeup in the morning, right? Yea, you heard me lady in the black 4Runner who almost killed me. Yea, don’t think I didn’t see you putting on your lipstick, while balancing your phone on your shoulder. I WANT TO SHOVE your makeup where the sun don’t shine.

And that is why I must take deep breaths and count in morning traffic or it very well might be the death of me!

So, Rae and I were hanging out this weekend and got to talking. Sometimes it is SCARY how similar we are……..

Me: Where’s the Hostage?

Rae: Oh, I sent him home.

Me: Oh, how come?

Rae: Cause. He was being a woman….

Me: Oh yea.

Rae: And I told him I will love him more if he goes away for a bit…..

I swear, if we weren’t already sisters I would think we shared the same brain!

And without further adieu, I give you the top 10 things that just might kill me this week (in no particular order):

1. Traffic (need I say more?)

2. The copy machine at work (Do I look like a copy machine expert?)

3. My bank account (what money?)

4. Patches, the dog, whining to get back up on the bed at 2AM. Yup, I’m not a happy person at 2am…

5. Stupid people

6. Traffic (did I mention this…)

7. Lack of Jersey Mike’s this week (see #3 for reference)

8. Dog Hair….I JUST vacuumed this weekend, too bad it’s snowing dog hair in the apartment.

9. Optimistic People…it just doesn’t seem natural.

10. The weird stompers in the apartment upstairs…I SWEAR it sounds like they are dragging bodies around at 2am. I just know they are mass murderers! (How do I know this? See #4)

Is it the long weekend yet? This might need to become a weekly post….

NOTE: This is not ACTUALLY MHCIW, due to stranger danger.... :)

Last night I was talking with my old Roomie from college, that is, the mother of the most hilarious child in the world (MHCIW) for those of you that might have forgotten. Here is how our conversation went:

Me: How’s MHCIW and the firebugs? I need to come visit soon, so I can see her again!

Roomie: Yea she’s a cutie. It’s a LONG story for another time, BUT she’s been suspended from preschool. Bastards.

Me: SHUT UP! Did she say “shit” again?

(note to readers: MHCIW is not a bad word spewer, but she is SO brillant and her hearing is SO good that sometimes she picks up “bad words” quickly when we accidentally forget she is right there near us…)

Roomie: No, not this time. She had an “accident” in her class and she REFUSES to keep her shoes on! FOR REALS.

Me: Suspension at almost three, huh? Crap! They sound like a shoe nazi preschool!

Roomie: It’s Catholic…

Me: At least make her suspension sound cool like ….she scared the other kids with her “firebugs” story!

Roomie: Or she punched that crabby ass teacher in the face…

Me: Well, like mother like daughter…what can I say?

Poor MHICW, almost 3 and already a potential dropout….

Did I ever tell you, as a little girl, I fell into a toilet because my BOY cousins had left the seat up, and what did my mother do, as I yelled helplessly with my feet in the air, with my bum almost all the way in the toilet?

She LAUGHED. Way to go, Mom….no wonder I have so many issues! It is ALL your fault!

yup this was me as a small child

So, this weekend I am away in the land far, far away to visit Hubby. It was while I was here that I realized all of my years of training Hubby (to be a good Hubby) had gone to Hell in a Handbasket…

Hubby leaves the seat up!

Me: Hubby! You left the toilet seat up! I could have fallen in! Do I have to retrain you?

Hubby: Well, you were the one that decided NOT to come with me, so I’ve reverted to my old ways.

Me: Do I have to get a new Hubby? Retraining is A LOT of work?

So the question remains, can I retrain Hubby in the next 3 days? Guess we shall see.

What’s better then….a nice, BIG, alcoholic drink?

mmm alcohol...

What’s better than leaving the HEAT of the scorching desert and being out in 70 degree weather all Labor Day weekend?

Dorothy, you're not in Kansas anymore...

What’s better then spending all weekend with Hubby (that you haven’t seen in over a month) by a babbling brook?

Yea, I was HERE...

Seeing my cat, Boston! Whom I love more than anything (yea, it’s ok, Hubby KNOWS this)

PRICELESS

He LOVES me again...but don't tell him I have to leave...

So, Hubby came home to have lunch with me yesterday….

Me (rushing around to get dressed, still in my PJs): WOW! That was QUICK.

Hubby: Yea, it’s not that far. So what have YOU done today? I thought you had stuff you were going to work on.

Me: Yea…well, Boston wouldn’t let me. He told me he wanted to stay in bed ALL DAY! Who am I to argue that concept?!!!

Hubby: Oh yea? So much for being productive…

Mom, the plan is to stay in bed ALL DAY!

The Forest

Yesterday Hubby and I went for a walk in the forest, since I barely knew what one was. I was actually quite excited to go to the forest and my goal was to see as many woodland creatures as possible.

However, the woodland creatures had other plans. They decided to hide out. Apparently, I smell funny…but no one told me! I mean really, I come all this way to the land of far, far away and all I wanted to do was see something. When lo and behold we come across a sign that tells us to be on the lookout for fox squirrles.

Fox squirrels, eh? What the HELL is a fox squirrel?

Be on the Lookout: FOX SQUIRRELS!

Me: Hubby! Where are the fox squirrels?

Hubby: They are mythical creatures. Just be patient.

Me (hearing a NOISE): Is it a fox squirrel?!!!

Hubby: No, that was me stepping on a twig.

Me: SIGH. I WANT TO SEE A FOX SQUIRREL!

5 minutes later after much heavy sighing and complaing about NOT seeing these mythical beasts

Hubby: I found you a woodland creature….

Me: Is it a fox squirrel?!

Hubby: Come see for yourself…

NOT a fox squirrel. Clearly.

And that my friends, was my day in the forest. Apparently woodland creatures HATE ME. SIGH.

Fox Squirrel-LESS branches...

Cat Sex that is…yup.

My cat, Boston is obsessed with it. He’s fixed so don’t ask me….but, the day I moved in with Hubby I warned him about it. He didn’t believe me; he is now a believer. I guess seeing is believing. Here’s the proof.

 (And for the record, I don’t usually watch…)

Americus is under him...look closely

And the biting begins...

But, then he likes to cuddle...

There it is your insight into our cats who like to get it on…….

I can barely keep my eyes open today, so you aren’t getting much from me. I have been up since 3:30am (EST) and am back home (MST) and can barely keep my eyes open. I was stuck on the airplane next to a Chatty Cathy who wanted to tell me her whole life story. I was trying to feign interest, but I don’t think she cared….

I got nothing for ya….NOTHING. Sorry. This list of things that annoy me on the airplane should help! Here is what annoys me MOST:

1. The Rapid Recliners: You know who THEY are…..the ones who recline into your lap the MINUTE the plane is in the air.

2. Elbow Hogs: Seriously? I mean come ON! I HATE being stuck in the middle!

3. Chatty Cathy’s: Non-stop, wants to know your whole life story seatmates.

4. Carry on Crazy: Brings aboard WAY too large of a carry on and then manages to knock everyone over just to try and squeeze it into the overhead bin.

5. Bathroom Crazed: Wants to get up and go non-stop. (Although I am guilty of this one)

6. MUSIC Djay: Yea, are you SURE your ipod is loud enough? I can hear you across the aisle…

All of these people were on my flight today.

ONE WORD: AWESOME.

Sar: SOMEONE NEEDS to get in here and set the table.

Me: Oh, I gotta go to the bathroom!

I disappear

Rae (whispering under the door): I KNOW what you are doing. You are trying to get out of helping!

Me: No…..I’m….ummm going number 2!

Rae: You are a liar. I know what you are doing and I am gonna tell on you!

Me: You better not!

Rae: Or what?

Me: Paybacks…….

What can I say? The bathroom has always been a safe zone…..

I have a “special” knack for finding new pets. So much so, that Hubby has FORBADE me to find anymore. He says we are done. Even though I have had my eye on this cute little gray cat that runs around the apartment complex, but I just can’t seem to catch him. SO, I have taken it upon myself to adopt a new pet, unbeknownst to Hubby. Last night, I decided to break the news…

Texting Hubby to Lessen the Blow…

Me: I have a new pet.

Hubby: What…?!!!???

Me: Her name’s Charlotte. She is guarding my door. She loves me. She says “Hi” but she is very shy…..

 Me: Can I keep her?

Dear Goodbadandugly2 lovers,

I promise not to eat your fearless blogger…it’s just we have kindled a type of friendship. She has “adopted” me as her new pet and in return I protect her. We even have long conversations in the mornings about relationships. I advise her to eat Hubby if he gets too annoying because that’s what I would do. 

I wasn’t expecting such backlash. Some of you (GASP) even suggested putting me to death. We, black widows, just have a bad rap…not ALL of us are bad! Just thought you should know. Don’t be so quick to judge….

She loves me, and I love her. I promise not to bite her….well, unless she gets out of hand….

Love,

The MIS-Understood Charlotte

So, my sister Sar is OBSESSED with playing board games. Obsessed, I tell you. She likes to WIN, if she is not WINNING, then she likes to make the rest of our lives MISERABLE.

So, last night was no different.

Texting

Sar: COME OVER NOW. You ARE PLAYING Monopoly with me.

Me: NO.

Sar: Do what I say.

Me: No, well will you feed me?

Sar: Yes. Come over!

So, I drive over there….and then am FORCED to play this new Electronic Monopoly game. You have credit cards, instead of money….apparently it’s the newest rage….you know, rack up the credit card debt, why not?

Sar: I am going to BUY EVERYTHING. I AM GOING TO WIN.

Me: ROLLING EYES

Sar’s Hubby (whispering to me): You are in for it…she is crazy….

Me: GREAT.

Sar: I will be the banker, since I am a genius and I work in Finance.

Me: uh huh

5 minutes pass

Sar (after practically buying up all the property): HA you landed on my property! You OWE ME. 6 times 40 is 140. You OWE ME!

Sar’s Hubby: UMMM no, genius, 6 times 40 is 240! Count much? Wait, I thought you were GOOD with math….

Sar: I worked all day…

Me: AND you wanted her to be the banker….

Guess who won!

Yup, your’s truly! Who’s the genius now, Sar?

Rae is sitting with us reading a romance book and occasionally looking up to talk to us. When Sar blurts out some very important advice to our baby sis….

Sar: Don’t EVER get married. EVER.

Me: Yes, don’t do it!

Rae: Why?

Sar: Everything goes to crap when you get married.

Me: It’s true. Just keep a boyfriend or whatever. Once you get married, the boy stops being nice.

Sar: Yea, and he isn’t attentive anymore…

Rae: Is that right?

Me: Yea, listen to us…we know! It’s the best advice you will EVER get!

This weekend I got to see MHCIW and my roomie from college. We decided to meet up for breakfast Saturday morning. I was excited because I hadn’t seen MHCIW in awhile.

Upon arrival at the breakfast rendevous:

MHCIW (to me): hi! Be careful of the firebugs.

Roomie (rolling eyes): See what you did…

Me to MHCIW: What are you going to have for breakfast?

MHCIW (matter of factly): Chocolate cupcakes.

Me (raising eyebrows to her mom): Oh yea?

Roomie: Oh yea, she can have that. A sugar high is ok today, since she is going to Grandma’s…

Cupcakes: The breakfast of Champions...

I love you more than life itself. You are my best friends. If not for you, I don’t know how deep into the depths of despair I would sink; there would be no light at the end of the tunnel; I fear I would cease to exist. You guys are my love, my match, my soulmate.  Sometimes I fear I will DIE if I don’t see you. Like yesterday, for instance, luckily for you we met in person. I don’t know what I would have done, had I not seen you.

Why do I need you so, you ask?

Well, I am just undeniably attracted to you: your tasty bread, your succulent tomatoes, the shredded lettuce, the PILES of meat….see, I already have myself salivating for you again. As I have gotten older, I appreciate you even more, and the longer we have known each other (I think it has been almost 3 years now, since we first met—and I still love you) the more I appreciate your true inner beauty. As our love has progressed, I have learned to love you more and more every day.

BUT, I am afraid to tell you that my inner desires have gotten out of control as of late. No longer, does seeing you once a week do. Lately, I find myself daydreaming of you ALL.THE.TIME. I am like a Jersey Mike’s addict and I am beginning to think I need an intervention. (Ok, really Hubby thinks I need an intervention). Our relationship is turning me into a crazed animal—I can’t control myself when you are around and when we are apart, you are all I think about! It ISN’T healthy. So, it’s not YOU, it’s me. Maybe I should break this off, our love affair?

Or maybe I just need to see you again, like today?

 Undeniably Yours,

A True Addict

Soulmates...

You know how sometimes you get “signs” and then you just KNOW it’s gonna be a BAD day? You know the kind, where you had an inkling you should have stayed in bed, under the covers to hide from what could potentially be the WORST.DAY.EVER?

Well, let’s just say I had those signs today. AND I chose to ignore them. What were my signs? Well they started early. VERY EARLY this morning. Here goes:

The SIGNS:

1. Tossed and turned all night, after having a recurring nightmare.

2. The dog started whining to go out this morning at 4AM. NOT COOL.

3. I moved at the pace of a snail this morning…which made me LATE.

4. I decided to stop and get McDonalds, this morning since I was starving, hoping eating would distract me from what I knew would be the worst traffic of my life.

5. Dumb McDonalds lady forgot to give me a straw (they always do that at this McDonalds….I need to quit going there) so after waiting for almost 6 minutes for her to notice me again I gave up.

6. Went into McDonalds to get said straw, and due to my stomping, nearly tripped over my own two feet and nearly broke my ankle.

7. I managed to dribble and spill McDonalds all over my shirt. AWESOME.

8. The worst traffic of my life was WORSE THEN EVER. Made me want to kill myself several times over.  

9. Made it to work finally. WHY did I come in? The elevators in the garage wouldn’t work. It’s like they were taunting me and telling me to go home.

10. Not sure what is next…..but I really don’t want to know.

It's totally gonna be a bad day.....

Phone Conversation with Hubby

Background: Hubby is living in the land of far, far away where things are a little bit more country than I’d like….

Me: So, how’d work go?

Hubby: Oh it was fine, we had a show going on tonight and we had a special guest in the audience.

Me: Oh yea? Who?

Hubby: Oh, a Moutaineer lady. She was wearing her fringe pants and a tank top. It was DEAD sexy.

Me: Oh yea? Did you wanna take her home? Maybe you should take her on as your new wifey? She sounds sexy and if she is a “mountain” lady she probably can cook!

Here is what I imagined, and I explained this image to Hubby (see how generous I am)

Sexy right? Fringe skirt...

Hubby: Oh, that’s nice and all, but out here girls are mountain women…you know they wear pants for a reason…and they look more like this……..

no words.........

Me: Wow….thanks for killing my imagination…my image was better…….

Contemplating playing with the kids...

So, yesterday evening I was peering out the window, like a creepy old lady, waiting for the little kids that like to play soccer on the grassy hill outside my apartment.

My plan was simple: as soon as they were out there, take Patches out, so they could play with her. Guess what? The plan worked.

I think she's tired....

Boy Kid: Why do you like us to play with Patches so much?

Me: Because you guys tire her out! Then she is good and sleepy in time for bed! You know, kinda like your mom probably likes it when you are nice and tired, right?

Girl Kid: Oh no! Our mom likes us when we go to school…at least that’s what she says.

Me: What a smart mom!

Patches in Kid Heaven...

The result: Dead dog…. 

Pooped

This happens to me all the time. Although most of the time, I believe that a magic fairy will place some money in there for me, but maybe she forgot my account number?!

Good news, people! My obsession is reinstated! What obsession you might ask? Don’t tell me you forgot already! Stick with me here…this is important.

My girlie crush can come out of remission now. Thank GOD for Season Premieres!

She’s back.

The girl that makes me happier than Jersey Mike’s…ok, wait a minute…maybe eating JM’s and watching Ghost Whisperer should be something I should do together?

It might be like Heaven if I did.

Just for the record: I LOVE HER. ( I know you couldn’t tell, right?)

Poor Hubby, he is SO LAST YEAR now…..

This is Patches, my demon dog.

Moody Lady

She’s been a bit moody this week, perhaps suffering from being on the rag, although she is fixed, so I am not sure. Perhaps it’s the lack of Busy Bones I have been giving her or it’s just the fact that her father has abandoned her for the land of far, far away thus entrusting me to care for her–LIKE I AM RESPONSIBLE?  (yea, that’s YOU, Hubby–you know she loves you more anyways).

So, in order to get her spirits up, I went over to the neighbors this week, to invite her good friend, Emmy out to play. This is Emmy, they are like twins….but not.

Emmy, the BFF

And like every BFF relationship, there is always one friend who is more dominant. And I think you can guess who that is in this friendship.  Patches and Emmy were BFF’s, well that is until a pinecone ruined there relationship. But, I am jumping ahead….here’s what happened.

I took the dogs out, but forgot to bring a ball of some sort, so I found millions of pinecones lying about, which I determined we could play fetch with….after they had had enough fetching time. They both sat down and started eating their cones.

Pinecone bliss...or so I thought

Well, apparently Patches is not into sharing. Apparently, her pinecone was dull and it was time to pull the DOMINANT role. All of a sudden she got the notion that she wanted Emmy’s pinecone….

hmmm her pinecone looks tastier than mine!

Patches was completely bored of her pinecone and little did I know, but a war was about to erupt….

Gimme your pinecone, bi***!!!

Poor Emmy, she didn’t even have a chance….

But, this is my pinecone...

the friendship ending culprit...

MORAL OF STORY: Don’t play with pinecones, they may ruin a friendship.

Yesterday at work I had the most awkward thing happen to me in the elevator. (Guess I didn’t hit the door close button fast enough, shame on me).

So there I was trapped (out in the open) waiting for the elevator to come pick me up and take me downstairs when all of the sudden someone was there standing with me. Now, just so you know this person who will remain nameless, let’s call them Nellie; well Nellie recently became a girl. She was a boy before. Not that I am judging cause I couldn’t care less what kind of bits you got down there…know what I mean? It’s not my business, but whatever makes you happy, makes me happy, but I had to tell you that piece so you could appreciate the awkwardness in my situation.

So, anyway, here’s how the conversation goes….

Me: Oh, I am not going up, you might want to catch the next elevator. (You know how I am about awkward elevator conversations…)

Nellie: Oh, that’s ok. I have been wanting to talk to you.

Me: Oh yea, ok.

Nellie: I was just curious what it is about you? I mean, do you have some magic about you?

Me: Huh?

Nellie: Well, it’s just there are ALWAYS a multitude of boys surrounding your desk at work and I just wondered how come you are always surrounded by boys?

Me (nervous laugh): Ummmm, I do? I don’t think so! I mean, I have a lot of guy friends. Maybe I am just man-like.  (No pun intended)

Nellie (hearty giggle): Oh I don’t think THAT’s IT…..wink wink

AWKWARD PAUSE

I run out of the elevator…

NEW RESOLUTION: I am taking the stairs from here on out!

kinda awkward, no?

Dear Car:

I don’t understand why you are trying to kill me. I mean, I’ve always taken pretty good care of you. Yea, ok, maybe you are in dire need of a good bath, but other than that we’ve had our good times, right? So why do you hate me? And why do the car people at Sears keep telling me you need a new EVERY.THING? I drew the line when they told me you needed a snorkel. What the heck IS that anyways? Were you (in another life) a car from James Bond that had secret swimming powers?  Car, we need to try and get along better. It’s not you, it’s me. I can be nicer, really. Just tell me what you want…..

You are trying my patience. You constantly sputter, shake and shriek. And for what reason?

My only guess is that you are trying to transform into a witch for Halloween.

But Car, it’s not Halloween just yet…..

Come to Fear Farm....

Besides Christmas (due to it being the birth of yours truly, in case you have forgotten), Halloween is MY. MOST. FAVORITE. OTHER. HOLIDAY.

 Why you ask?

I don’t really know. I think part of it is the fact that I like the changes in the weather, the association with fall, and the fact that it means watching scary movies. There is just something about carving your own pumpkin and hiding out to scare the kiddos half to death when they come trick or treating. (Not that I would do something like that).

Who am I kidding, yea I love practical jokes….I’m all about that!

Anyways, this weekend I was talking to the baby sis telling her how EXCITED I was for Halloween, just around the corner….

Me: OOOOO OOOOO  we NEED to go to Fear Farm this year!

Rae: What is Fear Farm?

Me: It’s this scary corn maze with haunted houses. And I just like saying the name. Fear Farm, FEAR farm, Fear FARM, FEEEAAAARRRR FAAAARRRRMMMM!

Rae: Quit it.

Me: Let’s go.

Rae: No way! I don’t like scary things! I am more of an ABC family channel Halloween girl.

Me: What does that mean? You mean you aren’t gonna watch scary movies with me?

Rae: Sure, if they consist of the Disney channel and Halloween Town.

Me: You are SO LAME.

Me: Fear Farm, Fear Farm, Fear Farm……

 (and I chanted this all the way home)

Now, I wanna know: What do you do to get in the “Halloween” spirit?

Wow…it came and went without me even noticing…..see, that’s how good I am at dates. That is  exactly why Hubby had our wedding date engraved on my rings, so even if I forgot…I could take them off and look…..

But, don’t fret….tomorrow I will be back with a giveaway of passionate proportions for two lucky winners!

STAY TUNED!

Well, it’s crazy to think I have been blogging for a whole year now. It seems like time has flown by, and while I think about all the crazy stuff I have told you stalkers friends out there in internet land, I also realize how cool you guys are. You have given me some advice, stood by me when times were tough and you even laughed at my inane, often crazy antics….so I kinda feel like we should take the next step you know?

Like maybe you all should give me PRESENTS in return for entertaining you, making you laugh and putting a little smile on your face! How about it? My address is…..ahhh nevermind. But you gotta give me points for trying, right?

Anyways, the kind folks at Jersey Mike’s have decided that in honor of my one year blogging anniversary: they will give two lucky readers a coupon to try a free Jersey Mike’s sub! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? My stomach is growling as I type this. Remember, I am crazy obsessed with them. I mean, I’m telling you, until you try it for yourselves you will never understand the unquencheable desires that are Jersey Mike’s subs. But you don’t have to take my word for it. You can enter the giveaway yourself and let the passions of your stomach take over. You can thank me later.

Just tell me what your favorite food passion is and why. Also if you link to my blog from your blog you can be entered in the drawing more than once. AND if you tell me you love Jersey Mike’s too….well that will get you extra brownie points…..Good luck! Two winners will be announced on Friday’s random drawing (although my sisters are trying to bribe me to let them win, but they haven’t made me an offer I can’t refuse yet)!

Good luck and a HUGE THANK YOU to Melissa at Jersey Mike’s!

mmm subs!

This poem is dedicated to all those non-believers out there that think I am capable of learning to blow my nose, when I know I am not capable of it. Not by choice, but by genetics.

There once was a girl who had a runny nose,

that made her cough and sneeze.

It was quite red and sniffley

because she had a cold.

Day and night her nose would run,

It caused her such disgrace.

She shoved the tissues up her nostrils

And  hoped it would fall off her face.

For she could not blow her nose,

Try and try as she might,

Her nose refused to give in.

To the blows from within.

Many a friend had tried to teach her,

But her nose would not be taught.

It was stubborn as all hell.

And would only run more as if to say “I care not”

So, this girl continued to stuff tissues up her nose,

Hoping to appease it

Her nose was the culprit for all the pain

And replied, when asked, you blow in vain.

Moral of Story: Do not mock those that cannot blow their noses, or you will reap the curse of the “Revenge of the Nose”

If you do not know what this is, be very afraid. It is a terrible curse which inflicts only those who mock those that cannot blow their noses.

And the winners for the extraordinary, melt in your mouth Jersey Mike’s coupons are:

DRUM ROLL, please…………

Me (UH HUH you know who you are) and Delaney, numbers 1 and 4 powered by Random.org.

Please email me at goodbadandugly2@gmail.com and tell me where to send your mouthwatering coupon! And don’t forget to tell me how much you liked it!

Thanks again to all who participated and most of all to Melissa at Jersey Mikes! YAY JERSEY MIKE’S! Speaking of which, I should go have some…..

why don't they rise?

I know you are all going to find this quite shocking, really, but….I am no betty crocker. Truth be told, I don’t even try really. It’s just like I am innately terrible in the kitchen. It’s like trying to mix Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs, in theory it sounds good, you know, marshmellow, chocolately deliciousness, right? But the outcome just doesn’t work. Did I loose you there? Yea, me too. I don’t know what I was thinking that night. But the point is, if you want destruction, disasters, or to be entertained, then all you need to do is stick me in the kitchen!

It is not really a big deal cause I got married for the specific reason that I would have someone to cook for me. Shocking right? No, not really. Anyway, back to the story.

Sunday afternoon I got it into my head that I would make chocolate cupcakes…I mean how hard could it be? It came in a box. I can follow directions, I think.

Ok, not really.

There I was mixing the batter……over and over and over, but it was like a rock! I couldn’t figure it out!? How did this Betty Crocker recipe turn into what resembled a big, chocolate rock (although it still tasted fine, I checked, several times–cause that is the chef’s job to make sure it tastes good). So, I started to put it into the cupcake tins….still rock like.  I must have forgotten something. When all of a sudden, I had an epiphany (yes, I do get those on occasion) : I forgot to add water!

(Yea, obviously Sunday’s are a day of rest and thus my “genius” side is off on vacation. Don’t judge me. ) So, I scooped the rock batter back out of the tins (no harm done, right?)

rock remanants...

Since the the first batch would obviously be crappy, I decided I would bring it to work, i.e. because work peeps eat ANYTHING! You know it, right?

It’s like an unwritten rule….you know those crappy leftovers that no one will eat? Bring em to work! SOMEONE will eat them: GUARANTEED. SHHH don’t tell!  It’s not like I was going to say I made them, I figured I could just leave them out somewhere  in the open and it would be like stray animals to scraps….or something like that.

And I could improve on the second batch by adding water! And, GUESS WHAT? I did! Maybe there is hope for me yet…..what do you think?

 (BTW, I kept these ones for myself!)

who knew water could make such a difference?

Talking on the phone to Hubby, after finally getting my car back (it had been shrieking and making weird noises) and they had it for a week and 2 days! You don’t realize how hard it is to go without a car, til you are car-less!

Me (clearly SUPER excited to have my car back): It’s amazing! My car is like NEW! It doesn’t make any noises anymore when I am driving, it is, LIKE, quiet.

Hubby: Hmmmm that’s good, so clearly it was worth the 13oo dollars then?

Me: Totally. Maybe it will last FOREVER now…it’s like it had its’ second wind.

Hubby: Ok, that’s good. So you better start making the money back on it. Go pimp yourself out…..

Clearly, a loving Hubby, no?

And on that note, my friends, I had better get to work….any donors out there?

Dear Taco Bell,

Thank you a thousand times over for bringing my Fully Loaded Nachos back! I LOVE fully loaded nachos! This time, don’t take them away! I need them to be happy, there isn’t much that makes me happy these days AND I am having a hard week!

So, don’t fail me, K?

Thank You,

Your BIGGEST FULLY LOADED NACHOS FAN

MMMMMMMMM

This is my car. It just came back from the shop, remember?

Well, long story short. My car HATES me. I don’t know why.

Today, it stuck its’ middle finger out at me. In the form of the “service engine soon” light.

REALLY, car? REALLY? Why do you hate me? 

Back to Sears in the morning. UGH. I have a hunch they will be excited to see me.

At this point, we are all BFF’s.

Yea, it’s been a bad one….

Yesterday I was hanging out with the sister, listening to her fun night out, when I realized she just MIGHT be funnier than me. Darn, I need to up my game…..

Me: So, did you have fun last night; did you go out drinking?

Rae: Yea, I did.

Me: Did you do anything bad?

Rae: Ummm no, but somehow we got on the topic about how I like to kiss girls when I drink. But, don’t worry, I’m not dirty…I only kiss girls I know.

And that is when I knew she had surpassed me in witty one-liners….

You suck. Why do you insist on being quiet ALL DAY, but as soon as it’s 2am…..the NOISES start?

What’s your deal? I am on to you. I know you are dragging dead bodies around up there. The chainsaw noises are giving you away, along with the loud thumps of (probably) limbs falling to the floor.

I don’t mind if you feel the need to kill people, but really, can you keep it down when I am trying to sleep? Please?

Thanks,

Your concerned neighbor

Mom and Dad: Chant after me: I think I can...I think I can...

ET: Phone Home…..THAT was the message I got from my Mom the other day.

Why?

Because I NEVER call anyone, I only text. BUT, she should know this by now!

Dear Mom and Dad,

No, I am not dead. I am very much alive. I know you would like me to call you, but you both need to learn to become more efficient texters, so until you do, I cannot call you. If I give in to your every call you will never learn to text me. I know this is tough, but sometimes a little tough love is needed to break you of your bad habits. I know this because you taught me all about tough love.

Guys, this is the new and modern age. Where texting is the rage! You don’t need to hear my voice! Really, come on….give it a try….I promise to text you back

Love ya,

Your Texting only daughter

if cars could talk....

Car (to me): I am so over you. I don’t like you anymore. I don’t care to work properly anymore and you can’t make me.

Me (begging): Please? I need you to last me another 2 years at least…because times are tough, Car! And well, I KNOW deep down inside you love me, don’t you?

Car (deep sigh): No, not really. I loved the mechanic at Sears. He knew how to get under my hood. You? You give me nothing.

Me (even deeper sigh): BUT, I DO love you,  maybe I just don’t say it enough? I’m sorry. I am not good with emotions.

Car (revengeful): Well, those are things you need to work on. Until you can talk to me more, and tell me what you are feeling, I will act up. Sorry, it’s just the way it is. Sometimes, I think you need a little tough love.

Me: FINE.

Few minutes later….the cd player stops working. FOREVER (ok, it’s only been a day now…but COME ON……..)

Me: 0 points

Car: 2, 565 points

Gotta give the parents credit, at least they are trying other means of communication, albeit still not TEXTING YET….still working on the tough love as indicated below:

Email at Work:

From Dad

Subject: No texting allowed

Message: What is the latest on the car? How are things going? (the text hater)

Email back to Dad:

From: Me

Message: Learn to Text! Since you won’t let me text, here is what my response WOULD be in texting:

Car sux, doing gr8, whatev

Am I grounded now?

Yea, somedays you just feel like this……….I LOVE angry little girs!