Dear Fairy Godmother—
Don’t take this the wrong way but, I haven’t seen you around a lot lately.
Where did you go? Are you on vacation? In the bathroom? Indisposed? In the hospital?
Please, Please make a return to my life and make it quick!
It would be much appreciated if you came back before I drown myself
in a disaster of my own design! Please and thank you!
Sincerely,
GBU2
Me and the sister were having an argument today…..she had a job interview that she was less than excited about, but it seemed kind of promising.
Sister’s reaction-Kill me now
Me-Yea!!! You can have an ABJ too!
S-NONONONO!
M-YES!!! Then we can move away from the other sisters’ crazy dogs! (who are super crazy lately by the way.)
S- No I don’t want it I hate them already!
M- You will take it! What are you too good for an ABJ?
S-I would rather sell my soul!
M- That is what I do every single day!
S-I would rather be a stripper! Then I would get paid more to sell my soul! I think I could get over the idea of taking off my clothes…
M-You are such a whore.
S-I wanna be a stripper!
Dear Morning Traffic:
You make me want to cease to exist. Please go away. All of you.
Much Appreciated
It’s already a given that I’d rather cut off my right arm than get up on a Monday morning. However, since that IS NOT an option at this time (I don’ t have sharp enough knives in my kitchen), I’d appreciate havingg the least amount of adversity possible on Monday mornings.
This includes the least amount of traffic possible. You know, it isn’t even the traffic that drives me crazy…though everyone knows at this point I am on the verge of needing to be put into a funny farm….but back to the point. The point is that there are 3 very distinct TYPES of drivers that make me want to saw off both of my arms this Monday morning. And they are:
1. Lookey Lous….those are the people that decide that they must look at the accidents on the side of the road. They MUST see exactly what happened, determine HOW it happened, and drive as SLOW as possible…perhaps even causing another accident. I WANT TO MAIM these types.
2. Speed Camera Stoppers…these are the types that (even though we are already going well below the speed limit, so no camera in its right mind is going to go off) MUST slow down and BREAK morse code or something like it so that all of us behind you want to reach through our windshields and shake some sense into you. TRUST me, slowing down for a speed camera when you are already going 20 under….well, let’s just say you’re safe. I WANT TO KNIFE these types.
3. Makeup Mavens…these are my personal favorite. Oh you know, they are barely holding on to the wheel, while applying their lipstick, blush, and who knows what else. Cause everyone knows that the car is the SAFEST place to put on your makeup in the morning, right? Yea, you heard me lady in the black 4Runner who almost killed me. Yea, don’t think I didn’t see you putting on your lipstick, while balancing your phone on your shoulder. I WANT TO SHOVE your makeup where the sun don’t shine.
And that is why I must take deep breaths and count in morning traffic or it very well might be the death of me!
So, this morning I had to get up to drive to a different office. I dread going to this office because it is FAR. But, I had Britney going and I thought it wouldn’t be so bad, I even left the house 10 minutes earlier than I needed to. There I am driving along, and singing to Britney when I encounter it.
THE.WORST.TRAFFIC.EVER.
And no, I am not exaggerating. I tried pinching myself, hoping I was in some kind of disasterous-traffic-induced nightmare. But, I was definately awake. The on-ramp to the highway I usually get on is closed. Thus explaining the huge disaster on the off ramp and side streets. I am stuck. There is no where else to go, except sit in the maddening traffic. Everyone is pissed, driving terribly, and honking on their horns. It was horrible. And that is when I started sweating.
There was no way to avoid it. I was getting TMS (traffic madness syndrome). Before I knew it, I had all the symptoms:
*shouting expletives
*full force anger
*tired, achey muscles from stamping on the breaks
*crabbiness
*lack ot control
*middle finger uncontrollableness
So, instead of taking me maybe 45 minutes to an hour to get here…it took me one hour and 25 minutes exactly! At least it is Friday! I am scared to think how long it will take me to get home tonight. I have a feeling it is going to be a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG day.
Stupid Traffic.
I definately have a case of full on TMS. I wonder if they make something for this? You know, some pill or something? If so, I NEED it. Actually, I know just the thing that will help get me through the day…..
Lunch at Jersey Mike’s! I am starting to feel better already!
I hate driving because people are crazy! I have already established I am NOT a morning person, but to have to commute in, on top of having to get up when it is still dark outside….. well, you would have a better chance of seeing pigs fly then trying to have a logical conversation with me. Not only are people in such a hurry to get to work, but they are also in the mood to just be plain rude (yea, you in the white car: do you feel better now that you cut me off to be one car ahead?)! I mean, really people, what is the hurry to get to work. I know that people (clearly) cannot be THAT excited to be going to work. Alright, what do I know?!
Anyways, on top of a horrible commute in and getting EVERY, SINGLE RED light, I am now ready to start my Monday morning….is it time to go home yet?
