The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So I was talking to the sister the other day about sister number two’s demon dogs and I decided to catalogue all the animal’s crazy personality types…..

Dog number one goes by S.  She is the oldest of sister twos animals.  She also likes to be a skank and show off her vagina to dog number two….she is the oldest and she is very comfortable with her sexuality..….which I guess we shouldn’t be surprised about.  She did LOVE the toy big fluffy toy grandma gave her.  And for reasons unknown to me believed it to be a sexual toy…poor humpty never had a chance of surviving.

Dog number two goes by C.  He is that teenage boy in high school that believes the more ANNOYING you are the more likely the girl is to fall madly in love with you.  He is like that boy in high school who thought that he was illustrating his admiration for you by jiggling your chair all through freshman honors English.  The boy you contemplated slapping in the face daily….Yes that is exactly who C is, except he believes following you, trying to trip you, and sniffing your crotch is the BEST THING EVER!

Sister number one’s dog P is the oldest of the bunch, but does not act like it at all.  She is needy, CAN NOT BE LEFT ALONE!  Loves to tattle on the other dogs when they are fighting.  Mopes around the house and wants her mother’s attention 24/7.  Also loves her butt scratched, just like her mother….hmmmm

I am also surrounded by two cats who love to have sex and chase each other around the house.  E is a girl and she can only handle girl attention.  She also is deathly afraid of sister one and runs like a lunatic around the house.  K is a needy boy who does not get enough attention as of late and walks around the house crying….searching for someone to love him.

THIS IS MY DAILY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL FOLKS!

BTW if you can’t tell I was babysitting the pets this last weekend….where is my vacation? 

If you put a group of girls together issues arise.  If you put a group of girls together with a few boys sprinkled in, issues still arise.

Each girl wants to be in charge, each girl wants to look the best, and each will try to win.

This does not change whether the girls are friends or sisters. The only thing that changes is HOW they try to get the control. 

I experienced a different level of GT a couple of days ago, I say different because I am used to my sister’s unique levels of GT as well as their usual weapons of choice.  I.E Screaming, yelling, threats to get me to do things for them, or even them taking something I want and using it for their own gain.  They essentially become a tag team when we live in the same house.  Basically it’s always two against one with us.  As long as someone that isn’t us is losing we are cool with that.

I can ignore their joint GT because it is a usual occurrence.  It is a part of my everyday life. 

Outside GT on the other hand is a difficult, daunting, or even draining experience because it is an assault on all one’s senses.  It is something that no one is used to, therefore you have no defense. 

With my sisters I can at least logic that they are my blood and never really could or would hate or judge me.  I believe for as much as sisters torture you-they also are a built in support system.  They tear you down so no one else can.  Sick I know.   

Anyway- when you grow up with specific attacks you need no defense it CAN NOT and will NOT tear you down.  It is the background music to your life.

Outside attacks on the other hand are a different breed.  They are like a horror movie that makes you jump repeatedly because you never know what is coming.  Are they attacking you with niceties?  Sass?  Sarcasm?  You never know what the battle will be….

There is no way, absolutely no way to get around GT.  At most you will be able to ignore familiar GT.

GT can be expected at work, home or play.

At best it is confusing and at worst GT is emotionally draining.

WARNING- GT- can be illustrated by; whining, crying, arguing, yelling, any device to help you get your way-sometimes even silence is utilized.  Short spurts of niceties complete with backhanded comments are a sign that GT has struck again!

I come home after dropping the boy off from a weekend of festivities with all three sisters…yes we do scare him… I get home, look at the counter expecting to see my delicious sugar cookies from paradise awaiting me…and they are gone….immediately I yell to the sister….

M-Did you steal my cookies?

S-No.

M-Where did you put them I left them right here on the island!

S- I did not take them!

M-I don’t believe you!

*Side note these cookies are the best sugar cookies EVER! Seriously they have to be laced with some kind of addictive drug or something… no joke and I needed them because tomorrow is sure to be a bad day…ABJ here I come.*

S-Did the animals get them?

M-No way they have been on the counter all day! And I don’t see any trash!

*Walks around house to discover ONE tiny sliver of evidence!  One tiny sliver of purple writing on brown paper…oh paradise cookies! My anger builds immediately and I want to cry that is how good these cookies are!  They were meant for my belly to help me through tomorrow!*

My sisters pets are demons…and currently I hate them for stealing my delicious snack….I can’t even look at those terror twins…oh paradise sugar cookies I feel your loss.

So the other day I am getting ready for the day brushing my teeth…thinking well this is as good as I am going to look today bantering with the sister who is doing the same in her room….and when I go to open the door…what do I hear?

Sister-don’t come out!

Me-Why?

S-I am changing my shirt

M-*re-closing bathroom door, thinking to myself not only is her bedroom door WIDE OPEN, but I totally saw naturual light from her room* Isn’t your window and blinds WIDE OPEN?

S- eh

M-Seriously you are worried about me seeing you when any chester molester out there can see perfectly well into your room?

And this dear friends is a regular day at my house…

Last night they delivered the pod to start loading all my stuff up in.

Traffic on my way into work today (yes it is my last day). Traffic is not something I will miss, fyi. But, it makes me sad….ok, mad….but it rhymes with sad, plus you needed a little SARCASM thrown in there for good measure ;)

Eating at Jersey Mike’s —since the nearest one in the land of Far, Far Away is FAR! (And yes, I might DIE if you are wondering, I already started a petition–any Jersey Mike’s owners out there…please contact me for details of exactly WHERE I need you to open a store)

Watching (for hours) Dawson’s Creek with my sisters…..it is therapy for the soul. Oh to be in highschool again….

And most of all, I will miss you, work. I really will. I will especially miss my friends there. Look what one of my co-workers left me as a parting gift…..Do you get the SUBTEXT?  THANK YOU! I am going to miss you guys!

Thank you, wise friend...this might help me through the holidays....

Well, normally my holiday cheer around this time of year is at super sonic warp speed. However, I am noticing this year it is lagging. What is wrong with me, you ask?

 As you may recall, Christmas is my FAVORITE time of the year, due to it being the birth of yours truly. I love the smells in the air, the cooler weather and the thought of Christmas right around the corner. HOWEVER, this time around I feel as though something is missing. You know, like I am stuck in this eternal state of doldrums and nothing can cheer me up. Not even the thought of getting to choose my own birthday tree.

What has gotten me into this funk? Well, it came to me today.

It’s all Starbucks fault!

Because they have this drink (Peppermint Mocha) that usually jumpstarts my holiday cheer. And it appears this year they have stopped putting on the red sprinkles. Red sprinkles are what MAKES the Peppermint Mocha perfect and for some reason (cutbacks?) they are sorely lacking this year. All I ask for is a little consistency. Is that so hard, Starbucks?

I fear the Grinch may steal my cheer if I don’t get those damned red sprinkles. Perhaps it is best I carry some with me in my pocket?

Starbucks, I am pleading with you….bring back the red sprinkles. It’s crucial to my Holiday Cheer.

see....I NEED the red sprinkles!

I already miss you, house!

The move is officially completed. Although I can’t believe how sad I was to move out of the house. It was a beautiful house and last night it ended up making me really sad.

I think what makes me the most sad is the fact that no one is moving in, and it is most likely going into foreclosure. I mean, I know it is just a house, but that house had a spirit. I can’t explain it any other way. Just makes me sad. I got all teary eyed pulling away. It was sad.

I mean we didn’t own it, so I can’t even imagine what it feels like for the owner. But, for me, it definately hit hard. Well, I guess life goes on.

Bye, House, I’ll miss you.

Now to unpack the apartment…..FUN.

NOT IT?

Hubby would like to know when I am coming back from “sarcasm land.”

I told him never. It’s my way of dealing with things. And why would I want to come back? Sarcasm land is full of no people, quiet hills, lazy sprawling rivers, beautiful weather and you can sleep all day. Doesn’t it sound wonderful? I would take you all with me, but than there would be way too many people there! Especially, since today we are going to go sign the new lease over at the apartment. FUN times.

You know what that means right?

I am going to have to go and talk to CCCAG. Which is enough to give me an ulcer. My feelings for her have not changed. She is STILL completely annoying to me. But, no worries, I will let Hubby do all the talking and I will just stand quietly and meekly behind him. Yea, this should be fun. Can’t you see me doing that too? (Don’t answer)

The house is a mess, we are signing a lease with a crazy lady, and I am a permanent resident of sarcasm land! Maybe I will see you there?

During the visit with our Aunt we asked how our cousins were doing. If you can recall, these cousins are HILARIOUS.  One of their previous conversations consisted of this: Kids say the funniest things… ! So you can imagine my excitement to hear how they were doing.

My Aunt said she called to check on how the kids were doing. Apparently, Cousin Brother wasn’t feeling so good and had recently just finished reading the Twilight series….

Aunt: How are you doing?

Cousin Brother: Not so great. I feel awful.

Aunt: What do you think is wrong?

Cousin Brother: Well, I am concerned actually because I fear the worst.

Aunt: What do you mean?

Cousin Brother: Well, I hate the light and the sun hurts my eyes. I have to stay in the dark.

Aunt: Hmmmm

Cousin Brother: I fear I may be turning into a vampire!

Me: Should we straighten the house?

Hubby: I guess so.

Me: Ok, I will do the cat litter and vacuum and you should really do Poop Patrol outside cause it looks like the backyard is full of poop, instead of dirt.

So, being the good Hubby that he is, goes out to clean up the land mines. Without even a complaint!

And that is when I get out the vacuum cleaner, plug it in and set it up in a room, so it can “appear” as though I am about to vacuum. Then I head straight for the office to play on the computer “AKA checking my email.”

I am so lost in the moment of “checking my email” that I didn’t hear Hubby come in.

Hubby (yelling): WHAT are YOU doing?!

As he brings me the bag of collected land mines and swings it in my face.

Me (guiltily): Checking my email. EWWWWW!

Hubby: That is not on the chore list, nor is it a chore!

Me: Of course it is, and I was just taking a “break” anyways.

Hubby: You are so lazy!

Hmmmm I prefer sneaky!