The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

(Note to the Parents: You may not want to read this one….especially you, Dad. Consider yourself forewarned.)

Tonight I had an adventure, and no, not the good kind. It all began with this idea I had gotten into my head. Let’s just say my schemes are not always the best, or most thought out and yes I am being generous with myself.

One of my sisters (can’t name names here) and I had been talking about getting waxed down there. And frankly, it was not my first time. So, no big deal, right? Well, anyways, I had decided after the other sister and I had watched Keeping with the Kardashians do it to each other that it seemed quite easy to do this on oneself. (See, this is where the moron bit comes into play)

So, I pranced off to Target and got me some waxing strips. And that is where it all went wrong….very, very wrong.

Texts to Sister:

Sister: skank, what are you doing?

Me: Ummm crying….

Sister: Why?

Me: ummmm do you wanna know? It has to do with my snatch.

Sister: WTF!

Me: Well, I decided I would try to self-wax, only I about glued mine together….and now I guess (sniffle) I have my own, personal chastity belt on….

Sister: WTF you are so dumb!

Me: Well…it LOOKED easy on Keeping with the Kardashians…..

Sister: You are SUCH a moron!

Note: Do not try what you see on tv at home, well unless you are a professional or a Kardashian, and clearly I am neither!

From here on out I will stick to the professionals….

Went to a bar this weekend with friends and was ID’d. Guess that’s good right? Means I still look GOOD for my age (you can humor me NOW) and that’s when I heard the quote of the night…..

Bartender: I need to check your ID!

Girl at Bar in BARELY THERE BEACH COVER UP:  Ummm my ID?

Bartender: Yea, your ID hun….I have to check it.

Girl: Ok, ummmm, like, do you want the one PRE or POST my plastic surgery?

Bartender: Ummmmmm…

Girl: Yea, I have both.

This is REAL folks, I don’t make this stuff up.

So I’ve decided after a little soul searching and a trip down memory lane…that I am not throwing the towel in…I will make my way out of the ABJ and back into a life that makes me feel alive.

Lately I have noticed that I feel like a half dead version of myself.  All day long I sit at a desk listening to idiots who DON’T listen to me…I swear I have to repeat information at LEAST three times…No our hours are 8-5….they are eight to five.  Yeah if you ask me a third time they still DON’T change! WOW!

Also people I don’t make the rules….I know I may have told you something else the first time, well then someone else gave me a new rule to follow so I do so.  Yes I know this isn’t how it worked last time.  I am sorry for the confusion but this is how it is NOW I am following what others tell me…you can look at me and ask me in as many different questioning sentences as possible I still will not change what I have to say.

I also love how people look at me and cock their head when I tell them my schedule….Really yes I know I work shitty hours that change ALL WEEK LONG –you don’t need to look at me like that to remind me.

Also please do not tell me “wow you have a college degree and you are doing this”

Do you want my death to be on your hands?  Because I can make that a possibility-don’t tempt me or fate for that matter.

Now here is the sick truth readers….I am thinking of going back to school.  I just can’t make the decision for certain if that is what I should do because let’s face it I have bills and at least have to pretend to be an adult and I really am not sure how good of a multi- tasker I am.  But it’s an idea I’ve been throwing around my head….I would love to have a masters degree….and I like school so it seems like a win, win situation.  I just have to solidify myself on what I want to be when I grow up because let’s face it there is a difference between what I think would be a awesome job and what could actually make its way to reality. 

Also I miss my creative endeavors that made me feel like me…I miss dancing…and acting…and hanging out with friends…..i miss writing more than I do currently and I really want to love what I do…so I decided every night I need to put some time to these uses..whether that be exercising, blogging, or job searching it will be done….Wish me luck!

GBU2

So I was talking to the sister the other day about sister number two’s demon dogs and I decided to catalogue all the animal’s crazy personality types…..

Dog number one goes by S.  She is the oldest of sister twos animals.  She also likes to be a skank and show off her vagina to dog number two….she is the oldest and she is very comfortable with her sexuality..….which I guess we shouldn’t be surprised about.  She did LOVE the toy big fluffy toy grandma gave her.  And for reasons unknown to me believed it to be a sexual toy…poor humpty never had a chance of surviving.

Dog number two goes by C.  He is that teenage boy in high school that believes the more ANNOYING you are the more likely the girl is to fall madly in love with you.  He is like that boy in high school who thought that he was illustrating his admiration for you by jiggling your chair all through freshman honors English.  The boy you contemplated slapping in the face daily….Yes that is exactly who C is, except he believes following you, trying to trip you, and sniffing your crotch is the BEST THING EVER!

Sister number one’s dog P is the oldest of the bunch, but does not act like it at all.  She is needy, CAN NOT BE LEFT ALONE!  Loves to tattle on the other dogs when they are fighting.  Mopes around the house and wants her mother’s attention 24/7.  Also loves her butt scratched, just like her mother….hmmmm

I am also surrounded by two cats who love to have sex and chase each other around the house.  E is a girl and she can only handle girl attention.  She also is deathly afraid of sister one and runs like a lunatic around the house.  K is a needy boy who does not get enough attention as of late and walks around the house crying….searching for someone to love him.

THIS IS MY DAILY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL FOLKS!

BTW if you can’t tell I was babysitting the pets this last weekend….where is my vacation? 

Dear Fairy Godmother—

Don’t take this the wrong way but, I haven’t seen you around a lot lately. 

Where did you go?  Are you on vacation?  In the bathroom?  Indisposed?  In the hospital?

Please, Please make a return to my life and make it quick! 

It would be much appreciated if you came back before I drown myself

in a disaster of my own design!  Please and thank you!

Sincerely,

GBU2

If you put a group of girls together issues arise.  If you put a group of girls together with a few boys sprinkled in, issues still arise.

Each girl wants to be in charge, each girl wants to look the best, and each will try to win.

This does not change whether the girls are friends or sisters. The only thing that changes is HOW they try to get the control. 

I experienced a different level of GT a couple of days ago, I say different because I am used to my sister’s unique levels of GT as well as their usual weapons of choice.  I.E Screaming, yelling, threats to get me to do things for them, or even them taking something I want and using it for their own gain.  They essentially become a tag team when we live in the same house.  Basically it’s always two against one with us.  As long as someone that isn’t us is losing we are cool with that.

I can ignore their joint GT because it is a usual occurrence.  It is a part of my everyday life. 

Outside GT on the other hand is a difficult, daunting, or even draining experience because it is an assault on all one’s senses.  It is something that no one is used to, therefore you have no defense. 

With my sisters I can at least logic that they are my blood and never really could or would hate or judge me.  I believe for as much as sisters torture you-they also are a built in support system.  They tear you down so no one else can.  Sick I know.   

Anyway- when you grow up with specific attacks you need no defense it CAN NOT and will NOT tear you down.  It is the background music to your life.

Outside attacks on the other hand are a different breed.  They are like a horror movie that makes you jump repeatedly because you never know what is coming.  Are they attacking you with niceties?  Sass?  Sarcasm?  You never know what the battle will be….

There is no way, absolutely no way to get around GT.  At most you will be able to ignore familiar GT.

GT can be expected at work, home or play.

At best it is confusing and at worst GT is emotionally draining.

WARNING- GT- can be illustrated by; whining, crying, arguing, yelling, any device to help you get your way-sometimes even silence is utilized.  Short spurts of niceties complete with backhanded comments are a sign that GT has struck again!

I come home after dropping the boy off from a weekend of festivities with all three sisters…yes we do scare him… I get home, look at the counter expecting to see my delicious sugar cookies from paradise awaiting me…and they are gone….immediately I yell to the sister….

M-Did you steal my cookies?

S-No.

M-Where did you put them I left them right here on the island!

S- I did not take them!

M-I don’t believe you!

*Side note these cookies are the best sugar cookies EVER! Seriously they have to be laced with some kind of addictive drug or something… no joke and I needed them because tomorrow is sure to be a bad day…ABJ here I come.*

S-Did the animals get them?

M-No way they have been on the counter all day! And I don’t see any trash!

*Walks around house to discover ONE tiny sliver of evidence!  One tiny sliver of purple writing on brown paper…oh paradise cookies! My anger builds immediately and I want to cry that is how good these cookies are!  They were meant for my belly to help me through tomorrow!*

My sisters pets are demons…and currently I hate them for stealing my delicious snack….I can’t even look at those terror twins…oh paradise sugar cookies I feel your loss.

So the other day I am getting ready for the day brushing my teeth…thinking well this is as good as I am going to look today bantering with the sister who is doing the same in her room….and when I go to open the door…what do I hear?

Sister-don’t come out!

Me-Why?

S-I am changing my shirt

M-*re-closing bathroom door, thinking to myself not only is her bedroom door WIDE OPEN, but I totally saw naturual light from her room* Isn’t your window and blinds WIDE OPEN?

S- eh

M-Seriously you are worried about me seeing you when any chester molester out there can see perfectly well into your room?

And this dear friends is a regular day at my house…

So, last night was a late night.  After getting home late and finally crawling into bed, I remembered what it must feel like to be young and party like again….

Here’s why:

Just about to close my eyes and catch some MUCH needed rest when I lie my head down on my nice, fluffy pillow and I hear it…

OUTSIDE NOISES

Young, Drunk College Kids: MARCO! MARCO! MARCO!

Me (one eye open): you’ve GOT to be KIDDING me?!

Young, Drunk College Kids: MARCO! MARCO! MARCO!

Me (to myself): REALLY? How can you play Marco Polo outside of water???

And I watch them stumble around, obviously drunk through the streets…and think to myself FISH OUT OF WATER….I’m gonna call your parents you loud, BAD kids…

And then I realized it. I.AM.OLD.

Sad days.

I am not much of a facebook fan, but this is SO my sister and her quest for the MOST.FRIENDS.POSSIBLE. Right, Sar?