The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Told you they were real…..

Especially when the rules are EVEN in the comics

Talking to Hubby last night on the phone, I was hit with a stroke of genius! I know, bear with me, as I am usually struck with genius ideas! Just no financial backers….YET.

Hubby: How’s Patches? Are you playing with her?

Me: No, I never do! But, she just had the most amazing time the other night! Some little boy came to the apartment trying to sell candy. He loved Patches though and wanted to play with her, so he and Patches played in the grass for a bit! She loved him. I told him he could have her!

Hubby: You did not!

Me: No, not really. But, while I was watching them play, I was struck with a stroke of genius! Are you ready for this?  I need to rent small children to play with her and tire her out! I think I am on to something! She was so good with him and they played together. Then maybe I can get them to feed her, pick up her poo, and take out the trash…all while I supervise! Sound good?

Hubby: You might be on to something!

Me: Yea, I think I will call it Rent-a-Kid for pet owners! I’m liking the sound of that already!

My future sign...

Any financial backers out there?

Help! Aliens have taken over my stomach!

This is Boston.

He is ALWAYS HUNGRY. Always.

This is last night’s dinner conversation:

Me: Do you think Boston is pregnant, cause he is ALWAYS hungry?

Hubby: Boys can’t be pregnant!

Me: Do you think he is on his period?

Hubby: Again, boys can’t get their period.

Me: Maybe aliens have invaded his body and when he eats, the food goes straight to the alien stomach and thus he is ALWAYS hungry?

Hubby: You have an overactive imagination.

Me: You have a very limited belief system.

So, on my way home from work yesterday, I called Hubby so that he could order me some Little Cesears Cheese Bread (that’s all I like from there). It’s comfort food! And while I was waiting, I stopped at Walgreens to grab some shampoo, since I have been out for well over a week and have practically used up all of Rae’s and Hubby’s shampoo too.

So, there I was in the Walgreens. Ready to pay….when the cashier starts talking to me. I hate when they feel obligated to talk to me. I just want to get my stuff and GET OUT. No small talk, you don’t even have to acknowledge me, really, it’s fine.

Cashier NON genius lady (CNGL): It’s hot in here.

Me (thinking to self: NO DUH): Yea, it’s HOT outside too. I guess that is why they call it summertime, right?

CNGL: Yea, I guess. Good point.

And that my friends is why you don’t have to be a genius to work at Walgreens. Or perhaps it is just cause I am a genius that I am so smart to state the obvious.

 What do you think?

When making conversation with people at work and at home, tag the line “cause I am a genius” to the end of everything you say. It will lead to some nice, awkward pauses!

For instance,

At work:

Annoying work person: Can you help me make some semblance of this paperwork?

Me: Absolutely…cause I am a genius!

At home:

Hubby: Can you help me clean up this mess.

Me: I can’t cause I am working on my blog cause I am a genius….

At the store:

Store person: Do you need help finding something?

Me: No, cause I am a genius.

Hanging with the sisters:

Sisters: Do you wanna play Dr. Mario?

Me: Yea, cause I am a genius.

Don’t really miss you yet and I am doing fine.

 Barely any bad behavior…even did the dishes, however Rae and The Hostage keep making more.

I love having the bed to myself….except I am constantly fighting Patches for space.

I am still thinking the whole concept of getting our own separate twin beds would work.

Think about it, this could be cute! How about it?

Love,

Wifey

It’s no secret that I love animals.

To get straight to the point, the order of love goes like this: I love my cat Boston, than Patches, than Hubby than Americus–in that order. It isn’t that I DON’T love Hubby, it is just that my pets don’t talk back and they have a tendency to be manipulated with food and favors more easily than Hubby. With this being said, I have learned a few training tactics that I thought I would share with you readers and anyone else who is interested in learning how to handle the difficult husband*.

(*Note: The word husband can be interchanged to be boyfriend, lover, etc., but in my case it directly refers to Hubby)

Here is my GENIUS idea: Write a book or create a television show much like the Dog Whisperer, only I will call it The Husband Whisperer. (Aren’t you glad I got my MBA? I am so amazing with ideas, but the money part, totally lacking…)

Here goes:

Training Tactic 1:

If a situation occurs where the Hubby asks you where his keys or any other item is….DO NOT scamper after him trying to find those items for him. If you do, you are being an ENABLER. Instead, do not acknowledge him and do not stop what you are doing. Instead you must remain silent, ignoring this bad behavior. This is an animal trainer tactic: You don’t reward bad behavior.

Training Tactic 2:

Do not use nagging, a typical last resort wife tactic. Why? Because the more you ask your Hubby to put down the toilet seat, the less he will do it. So, instead start noticing when your Hubby surprises you by doing laundry and thank him profusely; Squeal in delight when he makes you dinner—without being asked, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS praise him for remembering to do an assigned chore or task that is specifically a “boy’s job”. This method is called approximation tactics (I really do watch too much Animal Planet). Also known as the reverse psychology method. This tactic allows you to reward small steps toward a whole new behavior.

Training Tactic 3:

Do try and teach the Hubby to stop doing one bad thing, by associating that thing with another more productive, more positive thing. For example, my Hubby has a tendency to use the computer when I do, especially when I am blogging. This is not normally a problem, because we have two computers, however, he will tend to hover over me and ask me to pass him things while I am trying to type out my amazing thoughts. Not cool, right? So, rather than allow him to continue this bad behavior the key is to give him something else to do, so that if he does follow me into the computer room, I have already plotted out an activity for him to accomplish…such as researching an amazing vacation (Hey! A Wifey can dream) for us or having him work on bills. That way he is lured away from bugging me, and occupied with a different project. This is association theory. Eventually, Hubby will learn to associate my time at the computer with his time to be productive.

I know these tactics seem cruel; but trust me they really DO work because I have been testing them out on Hubby. He, much like the pets, desires to be trained. It is an inner desire to WANT to have some structure and discipline, he just doesn’t realize it all the time. Wife trainers, much like animal trainers, need to learn to reward behavior that is good and ignore behavior that is bad. This is a key tactic to master. Just think about it: You can’t teach your dog to roll over and play dead just by whining and stamping your feet at her, right?

So readers, you are tasked with trying this at home, and let me know how it goes after your trial run. I am interested in determining if I am on to something here…..

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I love Hubby sometimes, I really do (he did not pay or bribe me to say this)! However, it is my job to mold him into the perfect Hubby. You know, someone who might annoy me less and who will do what I say….thus making it easier for me to love him, just like I do the pets! J

1. I drive Hubby to the airport ALL.THE.TIME.

2. I actually made dinner tonight…and it wasn’t cereal…but it was cereal-like.

3. I am getting up to workout even on my furlough days…1 month and counting!

4. I did my dishes after dinner!

5. I did laundry.

6. I managed to play Dr. Mario against the Japanese….but they are too good. I cried.

7. I didn’t kill Hubby yesterday even though he was being a brat!

8. I don’t have to go to work tomorrow!

9. Hubby is headed somewhere where it is going to snow and I am wearing shorts and flip flops; I will be torturing him with my text messages.

10. I am going to lounge around tomorrow.

Do I get a gold star now?

I was reading my Bloggy twin’s blog and it is just so weird how alike we are. I mean we even use the exact.same.language AND we live in different countries. How weird is that? So check her out, she is pretty cool, kinda like myself! 

Hubby: Do the dishes.

Me: That’s a boy’s job!

Hubby: Take out the trash.

Me: That’s a boy’s job.

Hubby: Clean the bathrooms.

Me: That’s a boy’s job!

Hubby: Come outside and pick the weeds with me.

Me: That’s a boy’s job!

Hubby: FINE, what exactly isn’ t a boy’s job?

Me:  Ummmm hmmmmmm. Yea, I can’t think of anything.

The Hostage survived his torture last week.

I cannot give him 4 stars because he was being insubordinate. EVIL HOSTAGE. So, with that being said, I give him a 3 out of 4 stars.

(For those of you that need an explanation; the hostage is my baby sister’s Boy and we took him as a hostage while the Hubby was out of town so we could eat something besides cereal.)

His food was great, he kept up on conversations and he even did some dishes.

I like this.

I think I will keep him, except I am going to glue his mouth shut. FOREVER. He has no right to talkback because it is his JOB to serve us.

I did tell him though, thanks to you faithful readers, that I think we might have a new business on our hands. I even told him I would go 70/30 with him. It could be called RENT A HOSTAGE. I am FULL of great ideas!

Conversation with the Hostage:

Me (a bit too excitedly): I will do all the marketing, writing, and web design (cause I am amazing like that) and all you have to do is all the work, i.e. cooking, cleaning. Not too bad, right?

Hostage (skeptical): Is that right?

Me: Yea, I mean, it would be awesome. You’d have a lot of work, make some money and I will manage you cause I am the brains behind this business. (I mean that is why I got my MBA, right? Totally genius material here)

Hostage: Yea, I just don’t think it would work.

I think I am on to something here….anyone want to be my financial backer?