The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So I was talking to the sister the other day about sister number two’s demon dogs and I decided to catalogue all the animal’s crazy personality types…..

Dog number one goes by S.  She is the oldest of sister twos animals.  She also likes to be a skank and show off her vagina to dog number two….she is the oldest and she is very comfortable with her sexuality..….which I guess we shouldn’t be surprised about.  She did LOVE the toy big fluffy toy grandma gave her.  And for reasons unknown to me believed it to be a sexual toy…poor humpty never had a chance of surviving.

Dog number two goes by C.  He is that teenage boy in high school that believes the more ANNOYING you are the more likely the girl is to fall madly in love with you.  He is like that boy in high school who thought that he was illustrating his admiration for you by jiggling your chair all through freshman honors English.  The boy you contemplated slapping in the face daily….Yes that is exactly who C is, except he believes following you, trying to trip you, and sniffing your crotch is the BEST THING EVER!

Sister number one’s dog P is the oldest of the bunch, but does not act like it at all.  She is needy, CAN NOT BE LEFT ALONE!  Loves to tattle on the other dogs when they are fighting.  Mopes around the house and wants her mother’s attention 24/7.  Also loves her butt scratched, just like her mother….hmmmm

I am also surrounded by two cats who love to have sex and chase each other around the house.  E is a girl and she can only handle girl attention.  She also is deathly afraid of sister one and runs like a lunatic around the house.  K is a needy boy who does not get enough attention as of late and walks around the house crying….searching for someone to love him.

THIS IS MY DAILY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL FOLKS!

BTW if you can’t tell I was babysitting the pets this last weekend….where is my vacation? 

I come home after dropping the boy off from a weekend of festivities with all three sisters…yes we do scare him… I get home, look at the counter expecting to see my delicious sugar cookies from paradise awaiting me…and they are gone….immediately I yell to the sister….

M-Did you steal my cookies?

S-No.

M-Where did you put them I left them right here on the island!

S- I did not take them!

M-I don’t believe you!

*Side note these cookies are the best sugar cookies EVER! Seriously they have to be laced with some kind of addictive drug or something… no joke and I needed them because tomorrow is sure to be a bad day…ABJ here I come.*

S-Did the animals get them?

M-No way they have been on the counter all day! And I don’t see any trash!

*Walks around house to discover ONE tiny sliver of evidence!  One tiny sliver of purple writing on brown paper…oh paradise cookies! My anger builds immediately and I want to cry that is how good these cookies are!  They were meant for my belly to help me through tomorrow!*

My sisters pets are demons…and currently I hate them for stealing my delicious snack….I can’t even look at those terror twins…oh paradise sugar cookies I feel your loss.

This is my sister’s dog. He is still a puppy. Sure he MAY look cute, but he has the mind of a budding creepy creepster.

The Creepy Creepster

Why you ask?

Well, he chews his bones into the shape of a penis.

Again, you ask why?

 Because he is a perv. You don’t believe me? Judge for yourself….

The Evidence...

This weekend, while my sister and her husband go camping, Hubby and I got the privilege of watching her two dogs. Yea, I use the word “privilege” lightly.

Me: Does the puppy sleep through the night?

Sister: Oh yea, you just put him in his crate and he might whine for a bit, but he will go to sleep.

Me: Ok, good because you know we are in the process of moving and have a lot of stress right now and sleep is VERY IMPORTANT.

Fastforward to nighttime.

The puppy DOES NOT sleep through the night. Howling, whimpering and barking for hours…..

ummm my sister is SO DEAD when she comes back.  SO DEAD.

He IS cute when he is asleep!

I was puppysitting Cullen last night (he is aptly named after the vampires in Twilight). He runs at me with his mouth wide open: glistening, razor sharp puppy teeth bared for the kill….yea, you get the picture. Looks can be deceiving, people!

Don’t get me wrong, he is cute and all….but my arms look like I am trying to cut myself, but miss ALL.THE.TIME.

So, back to my OMG gross story. There I was minding my own business, playing with Cully as I call him, and what does he do? He takes a dump in the den. Never mind the fact that I had just taken him outside!

Anyways, I turn my back for ONE SECOND to grab the clean up materials….and low and behold the poop is mysteriously GONE! Where did it go?

Well, my little vampire friend decided to have a tasty snack.

GROSS.

Then my sister picked him up, and gave him kisses!