The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Lately, I have been getting a lot of questions and emails on if I am on Twitter or if my blog has a Twitter page……

Now, truth be told, I don’t think I am that interesting…..but I do aim to please, so what do you think? I suppose, since I have recently become a bachelorette, I have found I have COPIOUS amounts of time now.  And I do tend to talk to myself A LOT in the apartment now.  Just between us, I think Patches is starting to think I am crazy. So, I suppose I could do this Twitter thing, though I don’t know  much about it.

What do you think, should I do it? Advise me, oh wise bloggy friends……

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Patches: Whine Whine

(interpretation): Cereal with lots of milk.

Me: Yea, that sounds good.

Is it sad that I can understand the dogs whines and make conversation with her?

NOT IT

For as long as I can remember I have believed in the NOT IT rules. It has been ingrained in my head. As children, my sisters and I consistently screamed “Not it” and that was it–no questions asked, you got out of that crappy chore.

Growing up, I continued this pattern way into adulthood (and maybe carried it a little to the extreme, but when you are passionate about something–why not go all the way):

Childhood Years

Mom: Someone needs to do the dishes.

3 Girls: Not it, not it, not it….(last one to call it looses)

Teenage Years

Mom: Someone needs to take your little sister to dance class.

2 older girls: Not it, Not it! (we did not want to be seen with Rae, worse yet be related)

College Years:

A house full of 5 roomates boys and girls combined equaled DIRTY HOUSE

Roomate: Someone needs to clean the bathroom.

Me: NOT IT

And then came the marriage years

Hubby: There is puke on the floor.

Me: NOT IT.

Hubby: SIGH (don’t feel sorry for him, he knew what he was getting into)

So, now you can begin to understand the history of the NOT IT rules and its’ significance to me. It’s basically a highly sophisticated version of Rock, Paper, Scissors…..only cooler because you can scream NOT IT from anywhere and if you are as clever as I, you can anticipate the NOT IT before anyone else (that is the key, my friends: ANTICIPATION–although a premature NOT IT, can forfeit you out of the game).

Well, now that I am living alone, I find I am STILL calling NOT IT. Only my new participant has 4 legs and cannot verbalize the NOT IT quite yet, though I am TRYING to teach her–you know, to be fair and all.

Bascially the scenario goes like this:

We are outside on a walk in the apartment complex. It is nighttime, a bit dark, yet the moon glows above us illuminating our path. Pretty, right?  (Well, this is the only time, Patches the big furry beast of a dog can get out when it isn’t 1000 degrees out.) So, there we are enjoying our nice walk when all of a sudden she takes a MASSIVE dump. She has completely ruined our nice walk.

Me: NOT IT!

Patches: no answer

Me: NOT IT!

Patches: still no answer, she doesn’t even have the decency to look up at me.

I guess I win, right…and I slowly creep away, feeling a little guilty and knowing it will probably be me that steps in it tomorrow anyways, but this is all Hubby’s fault for not teaching Patches the NOT IT rules!

P.S. Hubby, if you are reading this…there is some poo waiting here for you to clean up cause I called NOT IT. It still works long distance, right?

So the cat is finally out of the bag, I suppose. Hubby got offered a job in a Land Far, Far Away from where we live now. This has come with excitement (yay money) and much sadness, on my part, because I LOVE being close to torturing my sisters and I actually don’t mind where we live right now (and yes that is HUGE cause I am the biggest complainer usually–I know you all find that hard to believe—but I can admit to some small flaws in my character, I guess it comes with the GENIUS—small price to pay).

But, money doesn’t grow on trees and thus I am staying behind to work and keep the cash coming in for now. Hence, the apartment and the crazy psycho killer that lives upstairs. With that being said, I have mixed feelings of sadness (yea, I might actually miss Hubby–but please don’t tell him) and dreams of bachelorette days ahead of me. This DOES mean, I can now party and live it up sans Hubby, right?

Right?

Ok, maybe not, you damn party poopers! But now you know, if I start these long, rambling blog posts it’s because I am home alone, with no one to talk to but Patches and well, we don’t even have TV! So, dear readers, it is your job to keep me entertained and to talk to me every now and then to make sure I’m not crazy…or better yet make sure the crazy psycho killer upstairs doesn’t get me!  K?

BUT, Hubby and I were talking the other night and I think he is worried that I might kill Patches. Yup, Patches stayed behind cause she wants to live it up bachelorette style too….

Hubby: What will you eat?

(We ALL KNOW that I don’t cook–that’s why I got married—and yes I AM my Father’s daughter…but I can boil water! Sorry, Dad!)

Me: Hmmm well, I suppose I will be on the No Fail Diet.

Hubby: What is that?

Me: Well, I will eat TONS of cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner and Patches will eat LOTS of scraps.

Hubby: You both are going to be malnourished by the time I see you next.

Me: I prefer to think we will both be skinny!

Hubby: Don’t kill my dog.

Anyone out there want to cook for me? I think I can go months on cereal…

mmm cereal (who wants to bet I hate cereal after one week?)

This is how I felt about the people in the apartment above us.  I made up some story (in my head) that it was a creepy serial killer who watched movies all day.  Why do I think this? Because I have never seen them and he/she USED to be so quiet!

That is until recently. Now, the creepy serial killer has come out of hiding. And walks, no stomps around at all hours of the night…..that is what I get, I guess, with a creative imagination. If I disappear, you know who got me…..

My sister always told me I would die young!

Last night we were having dinner at Sar’s house when Hubby got up from the table to go check on something outside.

Rae: What is he doing?

Me: Oh, he is checking his propane tank. He needs to empty it so he can take it.

Sar’s Hubby: Can’t he just exchange it for a different tank?

Me (very matter of factly): Oh no, he is really crazy obsessed with having the same tank. He doesn’t like to exchange and get a different tank.

Rae: That’s weird.

Me: Nah, not really. Everyone has their WEIRD QUIRKS.

Sar’s Hubby: I don’t have any.

Sar (rolling eyes): YES YOU DO.

Sar’s Hubby: SURE. IF anyone has weird quirks it’s YOU.

Me: What are Sar’s quirks?

Sar’s Hubby: She freaks out if I move the furniture around. She HATES change.

Sar: Yup, it’s true. I don’t like when he moves stuff around cause then I can’t find it!

Sar’s Hubby (sarcasticly): Yea, like when I move the couch around…it’s hard to find where I put it.

Sar: It is! I mean I like things how I like them!

Me: Well, at least I don’t have any weird quirks!

Rae (to Hubby): Yes she does! Tell us what they are!

Hubby: I am not gonna say…don’t wanna get in trouble!

And that, my friends, is a wise Hubby…

Dad, will you take me Potty? Mom is BORING...

Me: UMM, Patches needs to go potty.

Hubby: So take her out!

Me: She told me she wants YOU to do it.

Hubby: Uh huh sure…..

Me: She did! She only likes when you take her out! She told me she thinks I am boring! And she likes spending time with you.

Me: Oh yea, she also prefers you to feed her, pick up her poo, and play with her too!

Now that vacation is officially over, I am sad.

Very sad.

It’s like waking up with a really bad hangover, next to a dirty toilet. (And no Hubby is not symbolic for the dirty toilet, I was just trying to give you an analogy, people!)

But I have decided for the benefit of those around me (and their sanity) I should change careers and become a professional vaction taker, as I find I am much more pleasant when on vacation.  Once back to the land of non-vacation, well you better run for cover…

Now I just have to figure out how one goes about becoming this…..

Does anyone know?

THE REUNION comes to a close

Now that we are on the last day of our trip, all of us cuzins are feeling sad. We actually enjoyed each other’s company! Can you believe it? Well, actually we enjoy terrorizing and making fun of each other…what can I say? It’s in our blood.

And last night was no different. We got back to the Twin Cities (Sar, do you remember what state we are in? Actually everyone, you should be proud…as I think Sar finally knows where we are…)

Anyways, last night we decided to watch Rob Zombie’s Halloween, and our Cuzin was VERY scared. So scared that he wanted to sleep near his big, strong, tough cousins….

My floor bed...

Cuzin's new bed for the night of the scary movie..

Me: Cuzin! How come you are sleeping on the couch? Is it cause you are too scared to sleep in your bed? Are you afraid Mike Myers will get you?

Cuzin: Eh…maybe. Besides if he DOES come in he will get you guys first.

Me: Actually, he would go straight for the bedrooms first…so you would be gutted first.

Poor Cuzin! He can’t handle those scary movies. Did I mention he is ALMOST 25?

Lately at the dinner table, us cuzins have been picking on the baby cuzin Molly. (Yea, she is the one who didn’t know what a Barnes and Nobles was….she calls it Barness and Nobles).

And last night, she reached her breaking point as her cuzin buddy smashed cake in her face….as you can tell by this picture…..

The Chocolate Wasters...

Uncle (incredulous): Molly, what is that on your face? IS that CHOCOLATE??????

Molly (making the saddest face ever): Yea, your evil daughter put it there!

Uncle (sadly): What a TERRIBLE thing to waste…CHOCOLATE! You better lick that off!

Moral of the Story:  We don’t like to waste dessert in this family!