The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Dear Morning Traffic:

You make me want to cease to exist. Please go away. All of you.

Much Appreciated

It’s already a given that I’d rather cut off my right arm than get up on a Monday morning. However, since that IS NOT an option at this time  (I don’ t have sharp enough knives in my kitchen), I’d appreciate havingg the least amount of adversity possible on Monday mornings.

This includes the least amount of traffic possible. You know, it isn’t even the traffic that drives me crazy…though everyone knows at this point I am on the verge of needing to be put into a funny farm….but back to the point. The point is that there are 3 very distinct TYPES of drivers that make me want to saw off both of my arms this Monday morning. And they are:

1. Lookey Lous….those are the people that decide that they must look at the accidents on the side of the road. They MUST see exactly what happened, determine HOW it happened, and drive as SLOW as possible…perhaps even causing another accident. I WANT TO MAIM these types.

2. Speed Camera Stoppers…these are the types that (even though we are already going well below the speed limit, so no camera in its right mind is going to go off) MUST slow down and BREAK morse code or something like it so that all of us behind you want to reach through our windshields and shake some sense into you. TRUST me, slowing down for a speed camera when you are already going 20 under….well, let’s just say you’re safe. I WANT TO KNIFE these types.

3. Makeup Mavens…these are my personal favorite. Oh you know, they are barely holding on to the wheel, while applying their lipstick, blush, and who knows what else. Cause everyone knows that the car is the SAFEST place to put on your makeup in the morning, right? Yea, you heard me lady in the black 4Runner who almost killed me. Yea, don’t think I didn’t see you putting on your lipstick, while balancing your phone on your shoulder. I WANT TO SHOVE your makeup where the sun don’t shine.

And that is why I must take deep breaths and count in morning traffic or it very well might be the death of me!

Go away mom...

Talking to Patches this morning:

Me: What should I blog about?

Patches: SILENCE

Me: Why are you ignoring me?

Patches: SILENCE

Me: I know you can talk….WAKE UP

Patches: SILENCE

Me: You hate me.

Patches: SIGH

So, fellow friends, I am turning the reigns over to you. Entertain me…

Do you have any questions, suggestions, or things you’d like to know about? Or are you all going to give me the silent treatment like Patches?

Even the voices in my head are quiet this morning ….

Please, SOMEONE entertain my annoying mom!

So, tonight I was minding my own business watching a movie when I get THE STRANGEST text from my FAVORITE (ok not really–for any other of you cuzins reading this….) boy cousin, Chester the texting molestor.

Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. But, who’s really THAT innocent, anyways?

Anyways, back to my story. So there I am watching a movie when I get the following text messages from my cousin.

Message:

Chester: Hey Girl! How are you? I miss that hot ass of yours….

Me (clearly this is NOT for me–I look at the text, examine the name and vomit into my mouth): EWW cuzin.

Chester (almost an hour later): Oops!  I mean I miss you cuzin, just not in that way!

Me: You are a creepy creepster, cuzin! And I don’t like you in that way! But this is good blogging material!

Chester: Hey! I obviously chose the wrong recipient! I was at work and trying to send a message quick….

Me: No duh? Really? ….I’m not backwoods cuzin!

Chester: Why would you want to blog about this? It’s kinda creepy!

Me: Exactly.

Chester: Whatever fine…you better not use my name though!

And that my friends is why you should be more careful when you text…you never know who is going to put it on there in the blogosphere…..

Love ya, Chester!

(Did you like your name?)

I am now a successful housewife.

(Stop rubbing your eyes…you read this right)

Well….are you ready for this? Really ready? Are you sure?

Ok…..here goes.

I made dinner last night! Yup, I did. No cereal. It was a chef salad (and I didn’t even mess it up AND it was from scratch)! Well, I guess as much as you can make the salad parts from scratch, but I DID do a whole lot of slicing and dicing….way out of my comfort range!

So, what did I do? I immediately texted Hubby telling him of my success in the kitchen. He was very proud.

But the sad news was, I was so exhausted after making it that I (kind of) lost my appetite….Ok…the truth?

I snacked a lot while making it….and then was too full to really eat any. WAY to ruin my dinner, huh?

Eh, maybe next time! Are you proud of me or what?

 Look at this amazing salad! Hey, I gotta take small steps, I’m no Betty Crocker just yet….but I DO think I am on the cusp for trying out for Hell’s Kitchen!

Success!

Talking to Hubby last night on the phone, I was hit with a stroke of genius! I know, bear with me, as I am usually struck with genius ideas! Just no financial backers….YET.

Hubby: How’s Patches? Are you playing with her?

Me: No, I never do! But, she just had the most amazing time the other night! Some little boy came to the apartment trying to sell candy. He loved Patches though and wanted to play with her, so he and Patches played in the grass for a bit! She loved him. I told him he could have her!

Hubby: You did not!

Me: No, not really. But, while I was watching them play, I was struck with a stroke of genius! Are you ready for this?  I need to rent small children to play with her and tire her out! I think I am on to something! She was so good with him and they played together. Then maybe I can get them to feed her, pick up her poo, and take out the trash…all while I supervise! Sound good?

Hubby: You might be on to something!

Me: Yea, I think I will call it Rent-a-Kid for pet owners! I’m liking the sound of that already!

My future sign...

Any financial backers out there?

This is my sister’s dog. He is still a puppy. Sure he MAY look cute, but he has the mind of a budding creepy creepster.

The Creepy Creepster

Why you ask?

Well, he chews his bones into the shape of a penis.

Again, you ask why?

 Because he is a perv. You don’t believe me? Judge for yourself….

The Evidence...

I think my name could easily be inserted for Bob’s on this lovely Monday morning….

This weekend I slept over at my sisters…yep we had a sleepover party. Pillow fights, hair pulling, name calling, swearing, screaming, shouting—-yup all of it. We SO love each other.

The following took place:

Rae and Sar: GET IN HERE AND PLAY Rummicube!

Me: I am not playing with you guys, you are cheaters!

Sar: GET IN HERE!

Me: No. Not unless you call rummicube; it’s in the rules.

Sar: No it’s not!

Me: Yes it is!

(I then read the rules to her)

Sar: I don’t play that way.

Me: Cheater.

Well, really, I had to sleep over cause I have no food at my house and if they don’t feed me who will?

Me: I am hungry.

Rae: Me too. But I don’t know what I want…

(We both turn to look at the Hostage)

Me and Rae: Make us FOOD!

Hostage: No.

Me and Rae: DO IT.

Hostage: Ok, what do you want? Want me to make you something? How about eggs?

Me: EH. Sounds boring.

Rae: I want breakfast burritos. Go get us some……please?

And he did….he is such a good Hostage! Rae has trained him well!

I mean, we aren’t THAT demanding…..especially not if you feed us. And the Hostage clearly knows at this point, better to feed us and shut us up then argue….

So, I am going to let you in on another secret. I have never been that good at time change. You know it is XX time here and it is what time in New York? I mean I get the basic premise, but I’ve just never really had to adapt to it, so why bother, right? However, since I have now lived in a LOT of different places, I think (for the most part) I have generally learned to understand it. Now that you have that background, you should be able to see why this week took the cake in dumb things people ask me. So, clearly the irony in this story is that someone ELSE was asking me about time change….

Now, remember I have that KRZY vibe where all kinds of crazies ask me all kinds of crazy questions….well here goes:

On the phone, setting up an appointment:

Dumb person (DP): Ok, so I am going to call you back for that appointment next Tuesday at 1pm. Sound good?

Me: Sure that sounds fine, but you realize that I am 3 hours behind you, right?

DP: Oh, you are? Ok, so if it is 4pm here, right now, what time is it there?

Me (is this for real?): Umm that makes it 1pm here.

DP: OH! OK, I am SO glad you said something!

Me: Uh ok.

DP: So, if it is 3 hours behind me right now, is it always 3 hours behind or is it like 3 hours and maybe 15 minutes behind?

Me (exasperated): No, it is EXACTLY 3 hours! Exactly.

DP: Oh ok. Well, talk to you then.

Hang up. Phone rings about a minute later. It’s DP AGAIN.

Me: Hello?

DP: Hi, sorry. It’s me again. Did I tell you Monday or Tuesday?

Me: Sigh.

Hubby calls to check in on me after a LONG day, when the bad wife sneaks in and takes over my body…(this happens every once in awhile…it’s not my fault, really!)

Hubby: So, what happened today?

Me: Yea…it was a long day! I got a flat tire and Patches was whining the night before and then she tracked mud inside cause they are reseeding the grass outside…and well I guess that was about it. Nothing terribly new or exciting. How was your day?

Hubby: Well, my day was long and my computer…..BLAH BLAH BLAH….are you there?

Me: Silence

Hubby: Are you even listening to me?

Me: Ooops. Yea, sorry I was reading an email….

Hubby: Yea, you got really quiet. I knew you weren’t paying attention.

Me: Yea, I am not good on the phone…you should just email or text me!

Hubby: UGH.