The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

This is real folks, I don’t make this stuff up! You know you are definately in the Land of Rednecks when…

 

1. You are driving home from work and you see a truck that is riddled with sticker bullet holes and a bumper sticker that says “If duct tape don’t fix’r you might as well use more duct tape”

 

2. The check out lady in Walmart has two teeth.

 

3. The WHOLE town shuts down to go to the Basketball game and you know that’s the BEST time to go to 1 of the 2 Wal-marts in town because it won’t take you 2 hours to get through the lines!

 

4. People ask you if you’ve had a Pepperoni Roll yet. It’s famous cause you don’t have to heat it.

 

5. You actually have this conversation with someone:

Me: Excuse me. I belched.

Person: Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it!

 

6. People (including myself) are anticipating the grand opening of the ONLY Sonic in town. It’s the talk of the town!

 

7. You are encouraged at work “not to chew” and there are incentive plans of getting $250 dollars just BECAUSE you don’t chew. (If you don’t know what this is, don’t ask)

 

8. People ask you where you are from because YOU have an “accent”

 

9. Your neighbor has a chair with a BUG zapper light on his second story window ledge. And no, this is not a porch, it is a roof ledge.

 

10. The special for lunch (at work) is Redneck Tilapia with slaw.

 

11. Flannel shirts are a WAY of life.

 

12. Big Hair and Bangs are in. Just like in the 80s.

 

(Note to Sisters: I hope this doesn’t deter you from visiting your FAVORITE sister who misses you…)

 

This week I got it into my head that the little sis should visit me in the Land of Far, Far Away. Mostly because I am bored and I want someone to suffer through the snow with me (don’t tell her this part). And also because I thought we could have some fun sister time bonding over booze and comparing whose life is worse, all while eating White Castle burgers. That is our specialty. She told me to find a cheap ticket and she would consider this idea.

 

However the little sister disappoints. She hates me, I am convinced. She wants nothing to do with me OR the Land of Far, Far Away.

 

Calling….(and I NEVER call)

Me: I found you an amazing deal!  Come now!

Rae: Uh huh. What did you find?

Me: Well the ticket was 232, but don’t ask me for how many days….

Rae: HOW MANY DAYS?

Me: Uhhhh just a few….

Rae: How many days?

Me: Umm 2 weeks….

Rae: OMG! I DO NOT WANT TO STAY THAT LONG.

Me: You don’t love me.

Rae: 2 weeks with you? What would I do?

Me: Play with me…when I am not a work.

Rae: Eh. The Land of Far, Far Away sounds boring.

Me: So…..we can have fun hanging out at wal-mart!

Me: I will buy you a book….

Rae: No.

 

Clearly my own sister hates me and wants me to suffer. Isn’t that awful?

Next time she should remember WHO has the upper hand when this sister has bribing materials in the form of  drunken baby sister pictures…..