The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I was suffering from SEVERE withdrawls.  If any of you (Jersey Mike’s) out there are reading this. I NEED you to build a Jersey Mike’s store ASAP in the Land of Far, Far Away. I fear I might die from lack of JM’s. Do you want that kind of a tragedy on your hands?

I think not.

So, in order to combat death’s grasp on my dying, feeble existence, I decided to drive over 45 minutes to get some Jersey Mike’s. To ANOTHER state. Yes, you heard me right. I DROVE to go get some JM’s because it is THAT.GOOD. And let me tell you, once I made it to the far away store. Somehow, I KNEW everything would be ok.

I started pleading, begging, throwing myself at the owner to open one in the Land of Far, Far Away. I told him how FAR I would drive just to have my delicious 7 and 43 (yes I bought 4 giant subs to take home with me)!

And this is what happened:

Me (smiling and sniffing the JMs air): Oh kind sir, I need you to know I just drove from very far away to have your subs….

Owner: You drove THAT far just to have Jersey Mikes?!

Me: Oh yes, you don’t understand. I am your biggest fan. I live and breathe Jersey Mikes. I don’t care how far I have to drive. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Jersey Mike’s.

Owner: You really do, huh? Wow, I can’t get over you drove here just for that.

He disappears to the back….

Reappearing

Owner: I want to give you these 4 free sub coupons since you drove all the way out here…..

Me: Oh, thank you, thank you. No worries, I WILL be back. You are my new store. Well, until I start my own store…..

And that my friends, is why I LOVE Jersey Mikes! They complete me.

Love,

Your BIGGEST FAN FOREVER

The DRIVE that is…..the drive out to the land of far, far away.  Luckily, my dad will be with me, so we should make ok time. If I was on my own, we wouldn’t make it out of this state!

So, the car’s all loaded. The pod’s being picked up this morning. And it is almost time to hit the road. For 4 days….EH.

Are we there yet? First stop on this wonderful journey is a quick visit to Hacim.

PS Today’s the shortest day…..my Dad is in for it, huh?

If you recall, my car and I were having difficulites.

Now that I am getting ready to drive across country the mere thought of having to listen to the radio 4 days straight….TERRIFIES me.  So, I gave Hubby an ultimatum:

Me: OMG I am freaking out.

Hubby: Why?

Me: My car stereo doesn’t work, remember? I have about 5 cds stuck in there!

Hubby: Oh yea.

Me: And I am thinking 4 days worth of me, my dad and Patches in the car…will get OLD quickly without any music to be had! (Sorry dad, I know you are a scintillating conversationalist, but we both know WE NEED music!)

Hubby: So what do you want me to do about it?

Me: Buy me an iphone thing I can plug into my speakers….

Hubby: What’s in it for me?

Me: Me coming out there….OR not….your choice!

Guess what’s in the mail…

MUST.HAVE.MUSIC

So, this morning I had to get up to drive to a different office. I dread going to this office because it is FAR. But, I had Britney going and I thought it wouldn’t be so bad, I even left the house 10 minutes earlier than I needed to. There I am driving along, and singing to Britney when I encounter it. 

THE.WORST.TRAFFIC.EVER.

And no, I am not exaggerating. I tried pinching myself, hoping I was in some kind of disasterous-traffic-induced nightmare. But, I was definately awake. The on-ramp to the highway I usually get on is closed. Thus explaining the huge disaster on the off ramp and side streets. I am stuck. There is no where else to go, except sit in the maddening traffic. Everyone is pissed, driving terribly, and honking on their horns. It was horrible. And that is when I started sweating.

There was no way to avoid it. I was getting TMS (traffic madness syndrome). Before I knew it, I had all the symptoms:

*shouting expletives

*full force anger

*tired, achey muscles from stamping on the breaks

*crabbiness

*lack ot control

*middle finger uncontrollableness

So, instead of taking me maybe 45 minutes to an hour to get here…it took me one hour and 25 minutes exactly!   At least it is Friday! I am scared to think how long it will take me to get home tonight. I have a feeling it is going to be a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG day.

Stupid Traffic.

I definately have a case of full on TMS. I wonder if they make something for this? You know, some pill or something?  If so, I NEED it. Actually, I know just the thing that will help get me through the day…..

Lunch at Jersey Mike’s! I am starting to feel better already!

I must say Hubby is bad luck and brings out the worst in me.

This weekend we got Mario Kart. I am a bit of a crazy driver, but I am practicing and getting better. Watching me navigate the wheel is probably a bit like being in a New York City taxi cab at rush hour (you can’t understand a word of what I am saying, and are in fear for your life). A bit scary, and a bit thrilling, all at once. 

I feel like the wheel has a mind of its own and when my NYC taxi driver alter comes out…..watch out. Or maybe I am just that retarded. (Don’t comment)

Anyways, this morning I was practicing my driving skills and I was getting 1st and 2nd place for the most part. WHOA. I am amazing and feeling pretty good about myself. Then in walks Hubby asking me how I am doing and if I am getting any better.

And in that very instant, I fell to 12th place and my crazy alter “The NYC taxi driver” returns and I crash and swear every two seconds.

Me: Well, I WAS getting better. Til you came in here and jinxed me. Out. I say, Out.

That Bad Luck Hubby of mine had better stay on his side of the house!

So, yesterday, Hubby and I got in the car and decided to go visit my friend Hacim (see Where do Babies Come From? ) since he wouldn’t come visit me.  And since I have two “furlough” days at work this week. Yea, that means days off with no pay. Isn’t life grand? Gotta love the economy. Not that I am complaining about the days off…that part I like, but the part without pay is the part I am not so fond of.

Anyways, after the long, boring road trip of “are we there  yets?” We finally are almost there.

Texting

Me: Are you excited to see me? We are 30 minutes away.

Hacim: Not really.

In Person

Me: Where do babies come from?

Hacim: Your ass.

This should be a fun weekend!

Today’s episode of America’s Next Top Blogger is brought to you by a long time reader, Terra, at Beautiful Glimpses….

Her question was: if you hit someone’s car and did some damage, they weren’t in it, and no one saw you….would you leave a note and your information or just drive away? And would you feel guilty if the tables were turned?  

Could I just say GPS made me do it?

Well, I have NEVER done this, thankfully. However, I am definately ruled by a guilty conscience, so I would have to say that I would leave a note, if this person were not around. I believe what goes around comes around. And well, I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t confess. Now, don’t get me wrong…I have definately dinged some doors when opening mine, but never enough to do any real harm…or so it seemed at the time. My middle sister, however is a different story! But, I digress…

If you don’t believe me, you can even ask Hubby. I definately did a BIG DING on his truck (ok, maybe more than a ding)….which I confessed to right away, but that’s cause he was in the truck with me. But that blog is for another day and another time. Yea, better to not bring up this contencious spot, as he almost divorced me over it. However, this just goes to show my feelings of guilt, would prevail, no matter how much I might like to run away and pretend it didn’t happen.

So, Terra, I certainly can feel for you in this type of a situation. Hopefully, this won’t happen to me….knock on wood.

Or I can just blame GPS….

My sister, Free Sister is mean.

Here is what happened.

My dad was visiting from out of town and we had just driven into the driveway after having lunch, when my dad gets out of the car (mind you with they keys still running in the ignition).

Me: DAD! Did you mean to leave your keys in the car, with the engine running. (Senile, much? Sorry Dad)

Dad (incredulous): OH NO! Don’t shut your door! Whoa, good going! Glad I didn’t lock myself out of the car with the engine running because my spare set of keys are at home!

Me (knowing I had just SAVED the day): Yea, good thing, I noticed…I was thinking you must be crazy!

So, as I am getting out of the car, I realize that I may be senile too.

Me: OH NO!

Dad: What?

Me: I don’t have my house keys on me cause we took your car, and I just didn’t think about it!

Dad (chuckles): Oh no, what are we going to do?

I then call Sar and her Hubby, realizing they are both at work. CRAP! Then I call Rae, my mean sister, knowing the mere idea of getting in the car to come rescue me is the LAST thing she would ever want to do. She doesn’t like to help people because she is a PEOPLE HATER, she HATES everyone. (Whatcha gonna do Rae?)

Me: RAE! Where are you? I locked myself out of the house! And I need you to come home and let us in.

Rae: YOU STUPID SLUT! GUESS YOU ARE STUCK OUTSIDE!

Me: RAE! Get your sorry ass down here and let us in!

Rae: YOU ARE SO STUPID; I am NOT driving all that way!

Me: OH YES YOU ARE!

Well you get the gist of our fight over the phone. Anyways, she finally DID come home and let us in, but she did have the crazed psycho look in her eyes (you know, the one killers have–those of you that passed the serial killer test know what I mean).

Me: Thanks, Rae! You saved the day!

Rae: I HATE YOU!

Me: You are just the nicest sister ever.

Rae: I HATE people AND I am on my period.

And that my friends, is why you should stay away from the MEAN SISTER when she is on the rag. She is scary!

(Hopefully, I will be around to blog after this…if she doesn’t kill me, but that is why you don’t mess with a blog crazy sister–blog paybacks can get real nasty)

Love ya, Rae!

So, Friday morning was the worst.morning.ever. Here’s what happened.

Thursday night my sisters and I hung out. It was a fun night, however Rae was supposed to go with Sar to pick up some pizza and movies, but instead she made me go. This started the downward spiral in events.

Sar: Where’s your keys? You need to lock the front door.

Me: No I don’t; Rae is there.

Sar: GO GET YOUR KEYS AND LOCK THE DOOR!

Me: EH, fine. (Got the keys, locked the door)

Once we got back to the house, I had Sar grab my keys and unlock the front door, since my hands were clearly full with pizza and movies. And that was the end of a fun night of pizza and hanging out.

Now, fastforward Friday morning at aproximately 6:30 am.

I am almost out the door headed to work. Saying bye to the pets, and grabbing the keys. WAIT! WHERE ARE MY KEYS? Panic sets in. Then I remember Sar had them last, so I call her thinking she must have put them somewhere in the house. SOMEWHERE.

I call Sar. NO ANSWER. Great.

I call again. This time she answers.

Me: WHERE ARE MY KEYS.

Sar: How should I know what you do with your keys?

Me: Because you had them last! Remember you used them to open the door last night?!

Sar: Oh yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Hmmm I am driving, but they “might” be in my purse.

Me: OH MY GOSH. Well you need to come back here then.

Sar: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am halfway to work. (she works really far away)

Me: I have no choice. I could take Hubby’s car, but I still need all my work stuff and gate pass that is in MY car that is locked in the garage. OMG, I CANNOT believe you stole my keys!

So, after much bickering back and forth, she drives back and gives me my keys. Two hours later she is still driving to work…..texting me, telling me she hates me. But, WHO was the stupid one that put MY keys in her purse?

And after placing much blame on each other for the rest of the day, we discovered that ultimately it was Rae’s fault for not going with Sar in the first place. Because of that one decision, on Rae’s part, it caused a “tear in the universe” according to Sar, setting everything to be out of order and ass backwards for the rest of the day. Much like the movie Groundhog Day.

Moral of Story: Don’t ever let Sar near your keys. EVER. Or it could result in a tear in your universe ,as you know it, and you might end up  forever stuck in Groundhog Day.

So, we made it back. It was probably the worst trip back EVER because we got (a little) too many speeding tickets (we think). Well, Hubby did. One in the middle of TX for going 85 mph (PEOPLE THE SPEED LIMIT THERE IS 80) however, it was still dark out (being that it was 6am) and so he got a ticket because he should have been going 65 (night speed). OOPS! Then there was a camera set up in Tucson….I hate those stupid speed cameras. So, we can’t be sure, but it totally flashed. Oh well. It happens, but I think this trip got very expensive!

Anyways, besides that part and the long, boring drive we did have some good conversations….

On Driving

Me: I hate driving! (Mind you I think on the way back I drove maybe an hour and a half out of 14 hours….. )

Hubby: Why

Me: Cause I see dead things. And it is probably not a good idea to close my eyes like I do everytime I see them.

On How much longer

Me: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Hubby: I can pull this car over and you can walk!

On Speeding Tickets

Me: There goes our Christmas money. I think it may have been cheaper to fly!

Hubby: (DEAD SILENCE)

On the Best BBQ in Texas (Advice to Readers)

Me: If you ever see this place GO THERE!

On Small Towns in the Middle of West Texas

Hubby: Let’s stop there…at the one that says Travel Center

Me (slowing down..yea it was the one time I was driving) Oh yea, THIS looks like a nice travel center. (FYI…it was a run down shack with ONE pump) Kinda like this, but not exactly…

Hubby: After we fill up, want a tour of the town?

Me: I think I will pass.

On food in the car:

Hubby doesn’t like me to eat in the car, but I do it anyways.

Me: UH OH

Hubby(angry-like): Did you drop your pretzels?!

Me: uh oh

Hubby: You will pick that up!

Me: Ooops I think it fell somewhere out of reach…..

Coming soon…pictures of my pretzel art

Well, there you have it. Don’t you just feel like you were in the car with us?

We didn’t kill each other and we are still talking to each other, so all in all good times!