The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

(Note to the Parents: You may not want to read this one….especially you, Dad. Consider yourself forewarned.)

Tonight I had an adventure, and no, not the good kind. It all began with this idea I had gotten into my head. Let’s just say my schemes are not always the best, or most thought out and yes I am being generous with myself.

One of my sisters (can’t name names here) and I had been talking about getting waxed down there. And frankly, it was not my first time. So, no big deal, right? Well, anyways, I had decided after the other sister and I had watched Keeping with the Kardashians do it to each other that it seemed quite easy to do this on oneself. (See, this is where the moron bit comes into play)

So, I pranced off to Target and got me some waxing strips. And that is where it all went wrong….very, very wrong.

Texts to Sister:

Sister: skank, what are you doing?

Me: Ummm crying….

Sister: Why?

Me: ummmm do you wanna know? It has to do with my snatch.

Sister: WTF!

Me: Well, I decided I would try to self-wax, only I about glued mine together….and now I guess (sniffle) I have my own, personal chastity belt on….

Sister: WTF you are so dumb!

Me: Well…it LOOKED easy on Keeping with the Kardashians…..

Sister: You are SUCH a moron!

Note: Do not try what you see on tv at home, well unless you are a professional or a Kardashian, and clearly I am neither!

From here on out I will stick to the professionals….

This is my sister’s whiteboard. She likes to post chores on it for us and also likes to count down to stupid events, such as her upcoming vacations. That makes me NOT like her very much.

So, I leave her messages to show my disdain….

Ahhh nothing like a little subtlety to show your true feelings, no?

I don’t know what it is about the gas station, but I always seem to have the pleasure of meeting the weirdest types of people at the gas station. I think part of it is, that I must give off some kind of vibe that says, “yes, please talk to me—I LOVE awkward situations!”

That being said, I have noticed that I tend to get “hit on” at the gas station a lot. Now, no I am not super proud of this because to me the gas station doesn’t scream “class” but hey? Who am I to judge?

This is what happened to me the other day:

Random Strange Guy: WHISTLES

Me (thinking): 1. It is WAY too early in the morning for whistling and 2. He must be whistling a happy tune. 3. It is WAY TOO early to be this happy!

Random Strange Guy: (saunters up my way) Hey baby…you are FINE. I just wanted to tell you that.

Me (embarrassed): Ummmm thanks? 

Random Strange Guy: I don’t come up to girls usually, but clearly I had to tell you this.

Me: Ummm thanks.

Random Strange Guy: Can I have your number?

Seriously people? When will you realize it is just better to not talk to me in the morning….traffic, getting up early to go to work  and lack of my McDonalds coffee will get you no where in the morning…..better luck next time.

So, this weekend I saw Pirahna 3D, but sans the 3D due to the small town I was in didn’t offer the 3D portion. I’d just like to say that this movie was terribly awesome. I don’t usually go see movies like this, but had to support my hometown (the whole movie was filmed in my hometown—does that make me famous? ) …that being said….go see it  and tell me what you think!

But, I think I liked it because the pirahnas reminded me of sharks…only much, much smaller

This is my week…..

So, this weekend I went to hang out with MHCIW and my old roomie from college.  We had a nice time together, hanging out, reminicsing and playing “Princess.” Yea she dressed us up in dress up and told us we were princesses.

( Note: I will refrain from posting the pics of my roomie dressed up as a princess, for fear she may kill me….)

After a couple of bites from a “poisoned” apple and a few lectures on how to properly drink “tea.” I’d say all in all it was a rather nice weekend.

However, the BEST thing I’d take away was when I was getting ready to leave to go home, MHCIW decided that I needed to have some of her possessions to “borrow”

MHCIW (brings out her musicbox and Minnie doll): I want you to have this…..

Me: I can’t take those! Those are yours.

MHCIW (looks like she is gonna cry): but….well you can borrow them. Until you come back.

Me: Are you sure?

MHCIW: YES!

Roomie: That was very nice of you to share!

MHCIW (gleam in her eyes now): raids her treasure trove of toys…and you should have this…and this…and this..and this….

Me (glaring at roomie): Oh boy, I don’t need all of this….

MHCIW brings over a dancing Easter chick basket that sings songs.

Roomie: Oh that is really cool! Show her how it works MHCIW.

MHCIW brings over the dancing chick toy….starts it up.

MHCIW: OH SHIT!

Me and roomie look at each other and I try DESPERATELY not to laugh…but it was too late.

Roomie: MHCIW! Only grown ups say those kind of words! Don’t say that again!

MHCIW runs to her room upset.

Roomie (shakes head and looks at me): I can’t have her kicked out of school again for swearing!

Went to a bar this weekend with friends and was ID’d. Guess that’s good right? Means I still look GOOD for my age (you can humor me NOW) and that’s when I heard the quote of the night…..

Bartender: I need to check your ID!

Girl at Bar in BARELY THERE BEACH COVER UP:  Ummm my ID?

Bartender: Yea, your ID hun….I have to check it.

Girl: Ok, ummmm, like, do you want the one PRE or POST my plastic surgery?

Bartender: Ummmmmm…

Girl: Yea, I have both.

This is REAL folks, I don’t make this stuff up.

So it’s been awhile, no? But, my sister has been keeping you entertained as my stand-in-blogger as of late. However, I think I will still drop in on occasion to remind you that you MISS me, the ORIGINAL.

So, I have been going through a lot of changes—some good, some bad and some ugly. But, nevertheless I think I am re-finding myself and my sense of humor—thus the furlough from blogging life.

I have this new office at the job I work at. It’s your normal, average boxy like office with a desk, computer and all that good stuff. It’s nice you know, nothing above average. However there is THIS one thing that I am still getting accustomed to. Here’s the THING. The wall closest to my wall is the wall that is shared with the men’s bathroom. No big deal right? Yea…that’s what I THOUGHT. Who knew being this close to the bathroom would be the joke of the office?

Co-worker (comes in with a smile): Hi, I just have to WARN you about something.

Me (smiling): OK. What’s up?

Co-worker: Do you like your new office?

Me: Yes, it seems fine.

Co-worker: Well, I used to have your office and I want you to know…there is a downfall to it.

Me (unfazed): Ok, shoot….what’s wrong? Are there ghosts?

Co-worker: Well, no, but there IS the bathroom guy. You will hear him and he will SCARE you and I just wanted to warn you about him. Don’t be alarmed if it sounds like someone is dying in there. It’s just him going number 2. So, I wanted to warn you.

Me: Ok…well thanks….I haven’t heard anything yet….but I appreciate the warning.

Then I heard IT.

Um, folks? She wasn’t kidding. The first time I heard it, I thought someone was doing it in the bathroom…no joke! Complete with MOANS, curse words, and anything else that you don’t typically expect to hear from your work office wall.

The GRUNTING, The GROANING, The VERY LOUD, ODD NOISES. Now, these aren’t your typical I-am-just-trying-to-drop-the-kids-off-at-the-pool noises. They are full blown…the guy in the bathroom MIGHT be having a heart attack noises. NOT KIDDING.

It’s still a little unnerving, but I am starting to get used to it now…. it’s almost ODD if I don’t hear it. And I wonder to myself, what I ever did BEFORE I shared a wall with the bathroom?

Ahhhh, it’s the little things in life right?

So, last night was a late night.  After getting home late and finally crawling into bed, I remembered what it must feel like to be young and party like again….

Here’s why:

Just about to close my eyes and catch some MUCH needed rest when I lie my head down on my nice, fluffy pillow and I hear it…

OUTSIDE NOISES

Young, Drunk College Kids: MARCO! MARCO! MARCO!

Me (one eye open): you’ve GOT to be KIDDING me?!

Young, Drunk College Kids: MARCO! MARCO! MARCO!

Me (to myself): REALLY? How can you play Marco Polo outside of water???

And I watch them stumble around, obviously drunk through the streets…and think to myself FISH OUT OF WATER….I’m gonna call your parents you loud, BAD kids…

And then I realized it. I.AM.OLD.

Sad days.

I am not much of a facebook fan, but this is SO my sister and her quest for the MOST.FRIENDS.POSSIBLE. Right, Sar?