The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

During the holiday weekend, the sisters and I went home to visit the parentals. Visiting the parentals is much like going back to the past. You know what I mean, horse drawn carriages, slow (almost non exsistent) internet, speed limits of 25 mph, and nothing open past 9pm. However, we do have a lake and pool so I guess that is supposed to make up for the lack of everything else? Still not convinced? Me neither.

Even, my iphone rebelled to the quaintness, and refused to be on 3G or Edge half the time. It was almost like it couldn’t find itself! Poor, iphone.

So, in the event to not get too crabby, I decided to go out and get myself a nice, refreshing, cheap Iced Coffee from McDonalds. Yea, I am a bit of an addict.

I headed out to the McDs traveling a fast 25 down the main streets, envisioning the nice taste of that cold, iced coffee when I noticed I had driven right past where the McDs should be…so I turned around and drove past again…this time rubbing my eyes. The sign was there, but the building was gone.

I quickly dialed my mom:

Mom: Hello?

Me: MOM! Where is McDonalds! Did it move?

Mom: Oooohhhhh I forgot to tell you! They tore it down because they are building a new one! Oh whoops!

Me: NOOOOOOOO! I NEED an iced coffee!

Mom: Sorry, yea it’s gone.

And that is how I knew I was transported to a different, darker time. SIGH.

Imagine this scenario:

It is a little after 10PM and you are sleeping soundly in your bed. A little bit restless because you are recovering from the brink of death (AKA the 24 hour stomach flu). You are finally, blissfully asleep. There’s a cool breeze from the above fan, and your faithful dog is lying at the foot of your bed (you kicked her off the bed cause she is a BED HOG). You are dreaming you just won the lottery when all of the sudden you are awoken VIOLENTLY by SOUNDS.

This is not just ANY loud sound, but imagine the sounds of some large,  metal substance dragging on the concrete. Along with gutteral, morbid war cries coupled with whoops of “we got another one!”

Sounds like the makings of a wonderfully, horrific horror movie, doesn’t it? Well….welcome to my life.

In actuality, it is the next door hoodlums. What are they doing? They seem to be set to massacre any and every bug they come into contact with. First, one hunts them down with a flashlight, then the other drags the shovel behind him (in a terribly, horrific way—-ie think nails on the chalk board) while the other one hollars and whoops that he has found their next victim. Shovel boy immediately smacks down on poor, unsuspecting bug and smites him out of existence, laughing menaically. (Personally, I don’t think said bug ever knew what hit him)

Do I live in the ghetto? Perhaps. I prefer to hope it’s just not future murders in the making…..SIGH.

(Note to the Parents: You may not want to read this one….especially you, Dad. Consider yourself forewarned.)

Tonight I had an adventure, and no, not the good kind. It all began with this idea I had gotten into my head. Let’s just say my schemes are not always the best, or most thought out and yes I am being generous with myself.

One of my sisters (can’t name names here) and I had been talking about getting waxed down there. And frankly, it was not my first time. So, no big deal, right? Well, anyways, I had decided after the other sister and I had watched Keeping with the Kardashians do it to each other that it seemed quite easy to do this on oneself. (See, this is where the moron bit comes into play)

So, I pranced off to Target and got me some waxing strips. And that is where it all went wrong….very, very wrong.

Texts to Sister:

Sister: skank, what are you doing?

Me: Ummm crying….

Sister: Why?

Me: ummmm do you wanna know? It has to do with my snatch.

Sister: WTF!

Me: Well, I decided I would try to self-wax, only I about glued mine together….and now I guess (sniffle) I have my own, personal chastity belt on….

Sister: WTF you are so dumb!

Me: Well…it LOOKED easy on Keeping with the Kardashians…..

Sister: You are SUCH a moron!

Note: Do not try what you see on tv at home, well unless you are a professional or a Kardashian, and clearly I am neither!

From here on out I will stick to the professionals….

This is my sister’s whiteboard. She likes to post chores on it for us and also likes to count down to stupid events, such as her upcoming vacations. That makes me NOT like her very much.

So, I leave her messages to show my disdain….

Ahhh nothing like a little subtlety to show your true feelings, no?

I don’t know what it is about the gas station, but I always seem to have the pleasure of meeting the weirdest types of people at the gas station. I think part of it is, that I must give off some kind of vibe that says, “yes, please talk to me—I LOVE awkward situations!”

That being said, I have noticed that I tend to get “hit on” at the gas station a lot. Now, no I am not super proud of this because to me the gas station doesn’t scream “class” but hey? Who am I to judge?

This is what happened to me the other day:

Random Strange Guy: WHISTLES

Me (thinking): 1. It is WAY too early in the morning for whistling and 2. He must be whistling a happy tune. 3. It is WAY TOO early to be this happy!

Random Strange Guy: (saunters up my way) Hey baby…you are FINE. I just wanted to tell you that.

Me (embarrassed): Ummmm thanks? 

Random Strange Guy: I don’t come up to girls usually, but clearly I had to tell you this.

Me: Ummm thanks.

Random Strange Guy: Can I have your number?

Seriously people? When will you realize it is just better to not talk to me in the morning….traffic, getting up early to go to work  and lack of my McDonalds coffee will get you no where in the morning…..better luck next time.

So, this weekend I saw Pirahna 3D, but sans the 3D due to the small town I was in didn’t offer the 3D portion. I’d just like to say that this movie was terribly awesome. I don’t usually go see movies like this, but had to support my hometown (the whole movie was filmed in my hometown—does that make me famous? ) …that being said….go see it  and tell me what you think!

But, I think I liked it because the pirahnas reminded me of sharks…only much, much smaller

This is my week…..

Dear Work….

I have found I am allergic to you. This is not a joke. I know you think I am making this up. That this is another ploy to get out of coming to the office. But, it’s the truth! My eyes have decided to all but quit on me. They spaz out with tears, itchiness, and freaky red blood vessels as soon as I walk in the door! It’s like they refuse to come here.

So, what can I do? I feel I must telecommute everyday in order to appease them. Sorry, it’s not you, it’s me….And I think I am allergic to you. So, forgive me, but it appears we are not seeing eye to eye lately.

Now, where IS that financial backer when you need them? Anyone? Anyone?

So, this weekend I went to hang out with MHCIW and my old roomie from college.  We had a nice time together, hanging out, reminicsing and playing “Princess.” Yea she dressed us up in dress up and told us we were princesses.

( Note: I will refrain from posting the pics of my roomie dressed up as a princess, for fear she may kill me….)

After a couple of bites from a “poisoned” apple and a few lectures on how to properly drink “tea.” I’d say all in all it was a rather nice weekend.

However, the BEST thing I’d take away was when I was getting ready to leave to go home, MHCIW decided that I needed to have some of her possessions to “borrow”

MHCIW (brings out her musicbox and Minnie doll): I want you to have this…..

Me: I can’t take those! Those are yours.

MHCIW (looks like she is gonna cry): but….well you can borrow them. Until you come back.

Me: Are you sure?

MHCIW: YES!

Roomie: That was very nice of you to share!

MHCIW (gleam in her eyes now): raids her treasure trove of toys…and you should have this…and this…and this..and this….

Me (glaring at roomie): Oh boy, I don’t need all of this….

MHCIW brings over a dancing Easter chick basket that sings songs.

Roomie: Oh that is really cool! Show her how it works MHCIW.

MHCIW brings over the dancing chick toy….starts it up.

MHCIW: OH SHIT!

Me and roomie look at each other and I try DESPERATELY not to laugh…but it was too late.

Roomie: MHCIW! Only grown ups say those kind of words! Don’t say that again!

MHCIW runs to her room upset.

Roomie (shakes head and looks at me): I can’t have her kicked out of school again for swearing!

So, this week has not been the greatest…between work drama, personal obstacles to overcome, electronics hating me and kicking my ass, and a flat tire, I think I have had my fill.

Then I realized today is Friday the 13th….

But when I think about it, I think I have had my fill of that this week, so maybe it will be my lucky day? Well, who knows…here is hoping I can psych myself out enough so that the drama can go find someone else.

Well, here’s hoping anyway….

What about you? How’s your Friday the 13th going?