The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So I was talking to the sister the other day about sister number two’s demon dogs and I decided to catalogue all the animal’s crazy personality types…..

Dog number one goes by S.  She is the oldest of sister twos animals.  She also likes to be a skank and show off her vagina to dog number two….she is the oldest and she is very comfortable with her sexuality..….which I guess we shouldn’t be surprised about.  She did LOVE the toy big fluffy toy grandma gave her.  And for reasons unknown to me believed it to be a sexual toy…poor humpty never had a chance of surviving.

Dog number two goes by C.  He is that teenage boy in high school that believes the more ANNOYING you are the more likely the girl is to fall madly in love with you.  He is like that boy in high school who thought that he was illustrating his admiration for you by jiggling your chair all through freshman honors English.  The boy you contemplated slapping in the face daily….Yes that is exactly who C is, except he believes following you, trying to trip you, and sniffing your crotch is the BEST THING EVER!

Sister number one’s dog P is the oldest of the bunch, but does not act like it at all.  She is needy, CAN NOT BE LEFT ALONE!  Loves to tattle on the other dogs when they are fighting.  Mopes around the house and wants her mother’s attention 24/7.  Also loves her butt scratched, just like her mother….hmmmm

I am also surrounded by two cats who love to have sex and chase each other around the house.  E is a girl and she can only handle girl attention.  She also is deathly afraid of sister one and runs like a lunatic around the house.  K is a needy boy who does not get enough attention as of late and walks around the house crying….searching for someone to love him.

THIS IS MY DAILY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL FOLKS!

BTW if you can’t tell I was babysitting the pets this last weekend….where is my vacation? 

I come home after dropping the boy off from a weekend of festivities with all three sisters…yes we do scare him… I get home, look at the counter expecting to see my delicious sugar cookies from paradise awaiting me…and they are gone….immediately I yell to the sister….

M-Did you steal my cookies?

S-No.

M-Where did you put them I left them right here on the island!

S- I did not take them!

M-I don’t believe you!

*Side note these cookies are the best sugar cookies EVER! Seriously they have to be laced with some kind of addictive drug or something… no joke and I needed them because tomorrow is sure to be a bad day…ABJ here I come.*

S-Did the animals get them?

M-No way they have been on the counter all day! And I don’t see any trash!

*Walks around house to discover ONE tiny sliver of evidence!  One tiny sliver of purple writing on brown paper…oh paradise cookies! My anger builds immediately and I want to cry that is how good these cookies are!  They were meant for my belly to help me through tomorrow!*

My sisters pets are demons…and currently I hate them for stealing my delicious snack….I can’t even look at those terror twins…oh paradise sugar cookies I feel your loss.

Patches has had some adjusting in the land of Far, Far Away. I mean she LOVES the cold weather here, BUT she clearly has become a MAMA’s girl. It’s weird because she was always a Daddy’s girl before, or so I thought. But, now she will not let me out of her sight! If I leave the room, there she is behind me. If I go to the bathroom, there she is whining at the door. So you catch my drift. Now don’t get me wrong, I LIKE that she loves me best, since Hubby has turned my cat, Boston against me…it’s nice to know that SOMEONE loves me….

But Patches? I mean…she’s cute and all…but she has ISSUES. Real big issues. And sometimes I wonder how she, a supposedly smart dog, could be so dumb…

Her biggest fear in the land of far, far away?

The Stairs in the rental house……

I kid you not…..she is TERRIFIED of them….

The BIG, BAD stairs....

Dear Blog Readers:

Rest Easy. My mom isn’t REALLY going to sell me. You see, I only drive her crazy to give her something to write about…and YES her life IS.THAT.DULL. So, simmer down.

However, I AM thinking of selling her to the highest bidder. Cause I want someone who can cook and feed me better table scraps, so here goes:

The Good:

*Hmmmmmmm

*Can’t think of anything….

The Bad:

*Can’t cook

*Doesn’t play well with others

*Rules through fear

*THINKS she is in “charge”

Any questions?

Bidding starts NOW

LOVE,

PATCHES (The BEST DOG in the UNIVERSE)

Don't let that cute face fool you...

The Good:

*Can hold her pee for HOURS

*Does not go potty in the house EVER

*Looks cute

*Will clean up kitchen for you, if you drop crumbs, like a vacuum.

*Has a pretty good temperment.

The Bad:

*Wakes up at the crack of dawn

*Likes to beg (courtesy of yours truly)

*Steals pinecones

*Does not like to share with other dogs

*WHINES A LOT

*Is a BED HOG

* DOES NOT listen in the mornings…runs away from you if you call her like a bat out of HELL, leaves you to swear at her under your breath while trampling through the grass at your apartment, thus getting your work pants wet and causing people to stare at you cursing your dog out….

Any questions? She is free of charge……

This is Patches, my demon dog.

Moody Lady

She’s been a bit moody this week, perhaps suffering from being on the rag, although she is fixed, so I am not sure. Perhaps it’s the lack of Busy Bones I have been giving her or it’s just the fact that her father has abandoned her for the land of far, far away thus entrusting me to care for her–LIKE I AM RESPONSIBLE?  (yea, that’s YOU, Hubby–you know she loves you more anyways).

So, in order to get her spirits up, I went over to the neighbors this week, to invite her good friend, Emmy out to play. This is Emmy, they are like twins….but not.

Emmy, the BFF

And like every BFF relationship, there is always one friend who is more dominant. And I think you can guess who that is in this friendship.  Patches and Emmy were BFF’s, well that is until a pinecone ruined there relationship. But, I am jumping ahead….here’s what happened.

I took the dogs out, but forgot to bring a ball of some sort, so I found millions of pinecones lying about, which I determined we could play fetch with….after they had had enough fetching time. They both sat down and started eating their cones.

Pinecone bliss...or so I thought

Well, apparently Patches is not into sharing. Apparently, her pinecone was dull and it was time to pull the DOMINANT role. All of a sudden she got the notion that she wanted Emmy’s pinecone….

hmmm her pinecone looks tastier than mine!

Patches was completely bored of her pinecone and little did I know, but a war was about to erupt….

Gimme your pinecone, bi***!!!

Poor Emmy, she didn’t even have a chance….

But, this is my pinecone...

the friendship ending culprit...

MORAL OF STORY: Don’t play with pinecones, they may ruin a friendship.

Contemplating playing with the kids...

So, yesterday evening I was peering out the window, like a creepy old lady, waiting for the little kids that like to play soccer on the grassy hill outside my apartment.

My plan was simple: as soon as they were out there, take Patches out, so they could play with her. Guess what? The plan worked.

I think she's tired....

Boy Kid: Why do you like us to play with Patches so much?

Me: Because you guys tire her out! Then she is good and sleepy in time for bed! You know, kinda like your mom probably likes it when you are nice and tired, right?

Girl Kid: Oh no! Our mom likes us when we go to school…at least that’s what she says.

Me: What a smart mom!

Patches in Kid Heaven...

The result: Dead dog…. 

Pooped

Dear Goodbadandugly2 lovers,

I promise not to eat your fearless blogger…it’s just we have kindled a type of friendship. She has “adopted” me as her new pet and in return I protect her. We even have long conversations in the mornings about relationships. I advise her to eat Hubby if he gets too annoying because that’s what I would do. 

I wasn’t expecting such backlash. Some of you (GASP) even suggested putting me to death. We, black widows, just have a bad rap…not ALL of us are bad! Just thought you should know. Don’t be so quick to judge….

She loves me, and I love her. I promise not to bite her….well, unless she gets out of hand….

Love,

The MIS-Understood Charlotte

Cat Sex that is…yup.

My cat, Boston is obsessed with it. He’s fixed so don’t ask me….but, the day I moved in with Hubby I warned him about it. He didn’t believe me; he is now a believer. I guess seeing is believing. Here’s the proof.

 (And for the record, I don’t usually watch…)

Americus is under him...look closely

And the biting begins...

But, then he likes to cuddle...

There it is your insight into our cats who like to get it on…….

Talking to Hubby last night on the phone, I was hit with a stroke of genius! I know, bear with me, as I am usually struck with genius ideas! Just no financial backers….YET.

Hubby: How’s Patches? Are you playing with her?

Me: No, I never do! But, she just had the most amazing time the other night! Some little boy came to the apartment trying to sell candy. He loved Patches though and wanted to play with her, so he and Patches played in the grass for a bit! She loved him. I told him he could have her!

Hubby: You did not!

Me: No, not really. But, while I was watching them play, I was struck with a stroke of genius! Are you ready for this?  I need to rent small children to play with her and tire her out! I think I am on to something! She was so good with him and they played together. Then maybe I can get them to feed her, pick up her poo, and take out the trash…all while I supervise! Sound good?

Hubby: You might be on to something!

Me: Yea, I think I will call it Rent-a-Kid for pet owners! I’m liking the sound of that already!

My future sign...

Any financial backers out there?