The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

(Note to the Parents: You may not want to read this one….especially you, Dad. Consider yourself forewarned.)

Tonight I had an adventure, and no, not the good kind. It all began with this idea I had gotten into my head. Let’s just say my schemes are not always the best, or most thought out and yes I am being generous with myself.

One of my sisters (can’t name names here) and I had been talking about getting waxed down there. And frankly, it was not my first time. So, no big deal, right? Well, anyways, I had decided after the other sister and I had watched Keeping with the Kardashians do it to each other that it seemed quite easy to do this on oneself. (See, this is where the moron bit comes into play)

So, I pranced off to Target and got me some waxing strips. And that is where it all went wrong….very, very wrong.

Texts to Sister:

Sister: skank, what are you doing?

Me: Ummm crying….

Sister: Why?

Me: ummmm do you wanna know? It has to do with my snatch.

Sister: WTF!

Me: Well, I decided I would try to self-wax, only I about glued mine together….and now I guess (sniffle) I have my own, personal chastity belt on….

Sister: WTF you are so dumb!

Me: Well…it LOOKED easy on Keeping with the Kardashians…..

Sister: You are SUCH a moron!

Note: Do not try what you see on tv at home, well unless you are a professional or a Kardashian, and clearly I am neither!

From here on out I will stick to the professionals….

So, this weekend I saw Pirahna 3D, but sans the 3D due to the small town I was in didn’t offer the 3D portion. I’d just like to say that this movie was terribly awesome. I don’t usually go see movies like this, but had to support my hometown (the whole movie was filmed in my hometown—does that make me famous? ) …that being said….go see it  and tell me what you think!

But, I think I liked it because the pirahnas reminded me of sharks…only much, much smaller

Dearest Hostage Blog Taker,

From: The ORIGINAL GBU

In response to your last blog…..your fairy godmother is on vacation. So, take one for the team and quit being a complainer….I mean it’s got to get a LOT worse before it gets better!

Just sayin……

Yea…this is SO accurate!

This week I got it into my head that the little sis should visit me in the Land of Far, Far Away. Mostly because I am bored and I want someone to suffer through the snow with me (don’t tell her this part). And also because I thought we could have some fun sister time bonding over booze and comparing whose life is worse, all while eating White Castle burgers. That is our specialty. She told me to find a cheap ticket and she would consider this idea.

However the little sister disappoints. She hates me, I am convinced. She wants nothing to do with me OR the Land of Far, Far Away.

Calling….(and I NEVER call)

Me: I found you an amazing deal!  Come now!

Rae: Uh huh. What did you find?

Me: Well the ticket was 232, but don’t ask me for how many days….

Rae: HOW MANY DAYS?

Me: Uhhhh just a few….

Rae: How many days?

Me: Umm 2 weeks….

Rae: OMG! I DO NOT WANT TO STAY THAT LONG.

Me: You don’t love me.

Rae: 2 weeks with you? What would I do?

Me: Play with me…when I am not a work.

Rae: Eh. The Land of Far, Far Away sounds boring.

Me: So…..we can have fun hanging out at wal-mart!

Me: I will buy you a book….

Rae: No.

Clearly my own sister hates me and wants me to suffer. Isn’t that awful?

Next time she should remember WHO has the upper hand when this sister has bribing materials in the form of  drunken baby sister pictures…..

I have a confession to make. I have taken up stalking. This is no small feat I tell you, as I am not the most subtle person. But, this new obsession of mine has become a little absurd.

I drive by first thing before work and after work and as I drive by I murmer “open, open, open” (just like the Mervyns commercials of old).  I give Hubby daily updates. I think he thinks I am crazy. I talk to the construction workers to get the inside scoop. They humor me.  And then I doze off dreaming of downing that nice, tasty beverage and I get EXCITED.

I have never really been much of a stalker, but when I set my mind upon wanting something, it does tend to overtake my system. Especially, when it comes to food. And especially when you live in such a SMALL town that they don’t have half the foods you are craving or wanting. But in this case, a familiar food joint was on the up and up and my stomach overtook my brain. I became a stalker.

And then….I saw it…the sign:

Opening Feb. 8th. SONIC! WOO HOO.

Is it sad stuff like this that makes my day? Well, I don’t care. I will be in line with the best of them, ordering my Cherry Limeaide!

mmmmm

So, after a beautiful weekend of 50 degree weather (and yes, I am STARTING to think that is warm) it decided to snow yesterday. First of all talk about weather teasing….I mean REALLY.

And upon seeing all that white junk on the ground again, my mood immediately soured. And having no one else to grouch at, I immediately turned to Hubby blaming him for the snow and the crappy weather. He, of course, didn’t say much and just smiled as he de-iced my car.

And after grumbling for most of the day at work about this terrible snow, everyone told me basically to get over it and I will adjust. So, I figured ok…maybe I SHOULD try and get over it.

I got home, was in a fairly good mood, and pranced up the stairs to get the mail. Now, here is where the snow had the last laugh. As I was walking NORMALLY back down the stairs to go into the house, I BIT IT hardcore and landed SMACK DAB on my butt. Luckily, I had enough cushion to protect me and didn’t land on my head, right? My sisters say it’s lucky I got the butt gene as apparently my butt is salvageable.

However, I now have a bruise the size of Texas on my butt and can BARELY sit down on it without howling in pain.

Stupid snow, I KNEW I cursed your very existence!

I’m just hoping I can make it through the day sitting on one ass cheek…

To Whom It May Concern,

I’d like you to take into consideration a suggestion for the next time you make a bigger, better, newer, more impressive iphone: the keypad size on the iphone because my fingers are TOO big! Yes, I kid you not! I mean, I know you can turn the phone sideways and the keypad gets bigger, but I swear my fingertips are just too big. I have tried everything, but either

1. I am a retard and can’t type (which I’d prefer not to believe)

or, clearly the more obvious reason

2. Your keyboard is just too small

I am thinking you can just custom fit keyboards to various fingertips in the future, you know like have iphones come in various sizes for finger sizes: Medium, Large and XLarge.

Thanks,

The Keypad Challenged

So earlier last week I realized I hadn’t set the DVR to record my favorite show, Ghost Whisperer. It’s been a favorite for awhile and it just helps me unwind. Well, upon my return to work last weekend a co-worker who had heard me mention my love for Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) asked me if I caught last week’s epidsode.

Co-worker: Did you see Ghost Whisperer last week?

Me: Oh no! Is it back on already!? I have to set the DVR to record it again! Currently, the DVR is littered with Hubby’s crappy shows.

Co-worker: Oh really, your Hubby doesn’t watch it with you?

Me: Oh no! He’s not into it.

Co-worker: That’s weird! My Hubby LOVES JLH! He comes to get me when “Jiggles” is on.

Me: Jiggles?

Co-worker: Oh yea, you know cause she bounces…my Hubby thinks she will marry him someday. We LIVE to watch Jiggles on tv!

And that my friends, was my SIGN that I knew maybe this city girl could fit in with these country folk…..now I just need to find me some MOONSHINE!

So, there is this new game that I am now officially ADDICTED to on my iphone. It’s called Words with Friends and it’s free…and it’s addicting! It’s like words on crack….

Hubby: How many games do you have going on?

Me: Oh, like 12-13 different games.

Hubby: That is too many!

Me: No, I need a lot going on….

now it is almost bedtime and I have been playing for hours….

Hubby: Stop it! You are an addict!

Me: I can’t stop (hiding phone)…..

Anyone out there wanna play? If so, let me know…nothing like one last hit….