The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

To Whom It May Concern,

I’d like you to take into consideration a suggestion for the next time you make a bigger, better, newer, more impressive iphone: the keypad size on the iphone because my fingers are TOO big! Yes, I kid you not! I mean, I know you can turn the phone sideways and the keypad gets bigger, but I swear my fingertips are just too big. I have tried everything, but either

1. I am a retard and can’t type (which I’d prefer not to believe)

or, clearly the more obvious reason

2. Your keyboard is just too small

I am thinking you can just custom fit keyboards to various fingertips in the future, you know like have iphones come in various sizes for finger sizes: Medium, Large and XLarge.

Thanks,

The Keypad Challenged

I am currently in Florida on a work trip. Life is rough, yea?

 Well, trust me, I couldn’t wait to get out of the Land of Far, Far Away since blizzard like conditions were fast approaching. I would leave Hubby and the pests pets to fend for themselves while I soaked up some much needed sun!

Although don’t think I couldn’t torture Hubby even from afar….be proud, I didn’t even need words!

Texting Day 1

Me:

Texting Day 2

Me: Morning….it’s gonna be 69 today!

Hubby: Morning…it’s 9 here.

Me: Eww. I am not coming back!

Hubby: You have too! You have to work.

Me: I will work remotely from Florida!

Hubby: But you’d miss me….

Me: NO RESPONSE

Encouragement. Sometimes that’s all my sister needs….and you can count on me for that!

Texts from Rae:

Rae: My life stinks. Everything sucks.

Me: Too bad.

Rae: I need to get away.

Me: You can’t. You have to work.

Rae: I need a vacation.

Me: You have no money.

Rae: I need to quit my life.

Me: You can’t you have too much debt.

Rae: You are a dream killer.

Me: Yup, that’s me.

Rae: More like a dream SLASHER.

Me: I like that, it has a nice ring to it….how about:

Got Dreams? I will slash them for you. 1-800-Slash

Gotta give the parents credit, at least they are trying other means of communication, albeit still not TEXTING YET….still working on the tough love as indicated below:

Email at Work:

From Dad

Subject: No texting allowed

Message: What is the latest on the car? How are things going? (the text hater)

Email back to Dad:

From: Me

Message: Learn to Text! Since you won’t let me text, here is what my response WOULD be in texting:

Car sux, doing gr8, whatev

Am I grounded now?

So, tonight I was minding my own business watching a movie when I get THE STRANGEST text from my FAVORITE (ok not really–for any other of you cuzins reading this….) boy cousin, Chester the texting molestor.

Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. But, who’s really THAT innocent, anyways?

Anyways, back to my story. So there I am watching a movie when I get the following text messages from my cousin.

Message:

Chester: Hey Girl! How are you? I miss that hot ass of yours….

Me (clearly this is NOT for me–I look at the text, examine the name and vomit into my mouth): EWW cuzin.

Chester (almost an hour later): Oops!  I mean I miss you cuzin, just not in that way!

Me: You are a creepy creepster, cuzin! And I don’t like you in that way! But this is good blogging material!

Chester: Hey! I obviously chose the wrong recipient! I was at work and trying to send a message quick….

Me: No duh? Really? ….I’m not backwoods cuzin!

Chester: Why would you want to blog about this? It’s kinda creepy!

Me: Exactly.

Chester: Whatever fine…you better not use my name though!

And that my friends is why you should be more careful when you text…you never know who is going to put it on there in the blogosphere…..

Love ya, Chester!

(Did you like your name?)

So, both my sisters are off on their “vacations” this week. Thus “getting out of helping” their older, wiser, amazing, smartest older sister move. EVIL SLACKERS. And yea, they DID plan this on purpose.

It’s “sister code” for getting out of  things we don’t want to do, well that and selective hearing. Irregardless, we text each other constantly just to rub it in.

Texting

Sar: I’m having an AMAZING, RELAXING time! How’s the move going?

Me: I HATE you. WHEN DO YOU GET BACK HERE to help?

Sar: Eh, Friday.

Me: You will be my slave!

Sar: I guess I DO owe you

(Remember people…I watched her EVIL puppy)

Than later on the younger one starts in…

Rae: Oh. Graduations are SO torturous! My life is WORSE than yours!

Me: OMG you are on VACAY. SHUT UP.

Rae: I’m hot.

Me: SHUT UP. I’m HOT AND MOVING.

Rae: SO what! Going to graduations are worse.

Me: I would go to 1000 graduations in trade for you moving us.

Rae: LOL

They are both dead meat when they come back.

HEAR ME? I know you are reading this, EVIL SISTERS.

PS. Don’t worry, I will save a LOT of boxes for you to help with!

It is no secret that I LOVE texting. I love it so much that Hubby just about divorced me over it. However, I love him SO MUCH that I decided to get unlimited texts, so he couldn’t leave me! (Smart, right….hey, I need someone to cook for me–hence, Hubby is a necessity) You don’t even want to know how many texts I have used so far…..ha ha!

So, after I got home last night, I decided to text Hubby and check in to see how he was doing, being the good wife that I am. Here’s how our conversations went.

Texting

Me: Hi

Phone Rings–it’s Hubby

Me: WHY are you calling me?

Hubby: Cause you texted me.

Me: I know! You are supposed to text me back, not call me!

Hubby: Can I help it that I prefer to hear your voice, rather than text you?

Me: Yea, you need to get over that. I prefer texting AND I am watching TV!

Hubby: But, you texted me!

Me: I know, I am a great multitasker, however I CAN’T talk to you on the phone AND watch TV!

Hubby: You are ridiculous!

Me: So.

My sisters are mean. This time BOTH of them. Today, as you know, is President’s Day, but do I get it off at my place of work? NO! How RUDE!

This is what I get to enjoy from my mean, evil sisters.

Text from Sar at 10pm:

Sar: Do you get tomorrow off?

Me: NO.

Sar: HA HA I do! I get to sleep in. Sucks to be you.

Me: HATE YOU.

Then later on, Rae is practically SKIPPING through the house last night (which is a rarity, considering she is usually so melancholy–must have something to do with the boy being around now)

Rae: HA HA HA I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Me: I hate you!

Rae: LA LA LA. I am going to relax ALL DAY!

Is it possible, to quit both of my sisters? Can I request NEW SISTERS? I don’t like the ones I have anymore!

Well, almost. I mean I do have a flair for the dramatic, just a little.

 I do admit that I have  a lot of crazy traits–obsessive deleting, inability to cook pasta, screaming NOT IT in the middle of conversations with the Hubby, deafness (only when I hear something I don’t want to do), and I suppose I am a bit quirky. BUT these are all things Hubby loves about me…right Hubby?

But, I just CAN’T.STOP.TEXTING. I admit it. I am obsessed.Rather than pick up the phone (EVER) I just text. Everyone, everwhere, all the time. This is where we get into the “ruining my marriage” part. The BILL. Not pretty people, not pretty AT ALL.

Me (trying to hide the Sprint bill, miserably failing)

Hubby: What have you got there?

Me: Hmmm you aren’t going to like it. My cell bill.

Hubby: How much did you go over THIS time? I mean you HAVE 1000 texts! I have 200 and I never go over!

Me (in true addict form): I know, but it isn’t enough, it is just NOT ENOUGH…really; I promise not to do it next time (all lies, mind you)

Hubby (sighing heavily): Do you have to text so much? Why don’t you just call people?

Me: Because I HATE talking to people. Texting is in and out… I don’t have to talk and if I am bored…I can just stop texting. You should blame my cousin for teaching me!

Hubby (exasperated): BUT, you always text back; it is like you ALWAYS have to have the last word!

Me (still in denial): They must have messed it up somewhere….right? I know…I know…..it is a serious problem! Do you think they have a Texter’s Anonymous?

Me (inspired by genius): I know! We should just pitch a “texting only” plan to the cell company….do you think they would go for it? That is what I need!

After all these NICE LOVE blogs I did for Hubby, THIS is the thanks I get. People, you have no idea what I put up with!
Texting

Me (he called earlier): Sorry been in meetings all day, hope you are having fun flying. Excited to have you home.

Hubby: Boarding for Cancun now…

NOTE: (That is NOT where we live….)

Me: I hate you!